smart_chick2008

This is my current work. A friend just recently helped me work out a few kinks so I should have the next chapter up fairly soon if I'm lucky. The server wouldn't let me post this thread the first time so I hope it doesn't mess up again. Thank you for your time.

EDIT: Gah, I always forget to post the URL! http://www.geocities.com/smart_chick2008/Analani.html So sorry.

EDIT (again): I would like to point out that this could be rated around
PG-13 for language and possibly later for violence. It shouldn't be too extreme.

Set

I only read chapter one, so...

All right, first I'd like to say your grammar was near perfect. I had just one little issue, and that was this sentence:
"Analani and Lorelei stopped chatting with Netty Filgin about whether Poison-Spitting Cacti should be outlawed or not twenty minutes later when the headmaster stood up to give his annual welcoming speech. "

That seems like a run-on. I would write it like this: "Analani and Lorelei stopped chatting with Netty Filgin about whether poison-spitting cacti should be outlawed or not. Twenty minutes later, the headmaster stood up to give his annual welcoming speech."

From what I read, the story was well-done. The characters seemed life-like. Some of the dialogue is confusing.
"Hey dudettes! How’s it goin’, Ana? What’s up, Lor? I can’t believe school’s already starting, what a bore! Hey, at least we’re out o’ here after this year! Dudes, you won’t believe how my summer went! First, I went skiing - skiing in the summer, how weird is that? Oh, and then I went swimming in Brazil - so fun, I went with my third boyfriend of the summer - I had seven in all. And I got twelve awesome bikinis - one for each day I was in South America - oh yeah, I went to Panama and Chile too, by the way. Man, those bikinis drove the men wild; you should have been there! Dude, it was so fun! So, how’ve you two been?”
That may be the way she speaks, but there is a way to express her way of speaking without confusing the reader.
All in all, though, it was a good start.

smart_chick2008

My grammar better be fairly good because of all the drilling we do in AP English. It must pay off, I tell you!

Yeah, that one sentence was hard to write. Maybe it would sound better as: "When the headmaster stood up to give his annual welcoming speech twenty minutes later, Analani and Lorelei stopped chatting with Netty Filgin about whether Poison-Spitting Cacti should be outlawed or not, and they turned their attention to the front. " Good? Bad? Meh?

That dialogue was supposed to be very confusing. You're not even supposed to be able to understand it without looking at it for a while. I did that on purpose, and it shall stay that way.

Thank you for your time and advice.

~Angie~

__________________
"I'm your shadow on the wall,
Walking one step behind you.
I'm the wind in your hair,
Whispering in your ear."

smart_chick2008

Well, chapter five is now written, typed, and formatted. The link is in my first post. I know this story's not particularly wonderful, but I've written so much it seems a shame to stop here. Besides, my friend Christine would probably wring my neck if I did. Well, enjoy!

~Angie~

__________________
"I'm your shadow on the wall,
Walking one step behind you.
I'm the wind in your hair,
Whispering in your ear."