Daughters of the Moon: The Next Generation (Chapters) - Writers Forum

Darktrue · 02-10-2005, 06:43 PM

Chapter 1 - Alex the Fire Star

(It start off a little slow, but trust me, u will get into in the up coming chapters.)

Alex Maximus opened up her eyes, as she got out of bed. She stretched out her arms and yon still half asleep. She turned and looked at her clock and saw that it was 7:30 a.m. She jumped up and took her shower. When she was done, she stepped out of the Shower grabbing a towel, raping it around her wet body. Alex walked into her room while draying her hair with another towel. With the door closed, she continued to get dress by putting on a light orange tank top, dark blue jeans, and orange hilled shoes. She also put on her orange hula hoop ear rings. Once done, she walked down stairs and grabbed her book bag and saw her mother making breakfast.

"No time mom, I'm running late," Alex said, making her way toward the door.

"You can't just leave without any food in your system. You have to eat something."
Alex ran back to the kitchen and grabbed a peace of toast.

"There, happy now" Alex said sarcastically. She kisses her mom good-bye and walked outside.
~~~~~
It took awhile, but Alex made it to school with time to spare. She opened up her locker and started to take out her supplies for the day. She took out her math, science, and notebook. As she started to put that stuff in her book bag someone taped her on her left shoulder. Alex turned around and saw this girl that she had never seen in school before.

"I just had to tell you that your outfit looks tight!"
"Thanks," Alex said with a smile, looking down at the girl rings. The girl had on a ring for all ten fingers.
"O, yeah my rings, what can I say I'm a big fan. By the way, my name is Maria, I just moved here a couple days ago" Maria extends her hand out.
"You’re the new girl. My name is Alex and welcome to boring La Brea High" Alex joked while shaking Maria’s hand.
"It’s alright, I just need to get settled and find out when the next party is."
"Well if you like to party then Planet Bang is the place to go," Alex explained.

"I'm going to go tonight, I can take you there if you want." Alex is having a feel like she knows this girl. A feeling of connection.
"Sure cause I'm ready to party." Maria pulls out a peace of paper and wrote down her address and gave it to Alex.

"Who is going to take us."
"Don't worry about that. Leave everything to me."
"Got to go." Maria walked off before Alex could say bye.
Just as Alex was about to get up someone grabbed her by the arm. Alex was ready to let her power go, but when she turned,

crzywriter · 02-10-2005, 09:28 PM

well, i like this one better than the other, but your grammar, spelling, and tense-switching tendencies are still apparent here.

also, your first line does nothing for me. it's supposed to catch my attention. frankly, if this had been any longer, i would have probably lost interest.

don't like to be mean, but I have to be honest.

~Crzy

Darktrue · 02-10-2005, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzywriter

well, i like this one better than the other, but your grammar, spelling, and tense-switching tendencies are still apparent here.

also, your first line does nothing for me. it's supposed to catch my attention. frankly, if this had been any longer, i would have probably lost interest.

don't like to be mean, but I have to be honest.

~Crzy

Yeah, I know. This story was written a while ago, so I havent had time to correct it and stuff. Trust me, it gets better.

Darktrue · 02-10-2005, 10:17 PM

Chapter 2 - Alex the Fire Star

It was just her best friend Jimini. "Hey girl, who was that person you were talking to." Jimini wore a white T with some blue jeans and Air Forces. "Jimini don't do that, I was about to use my, you no what." Alex says in a whisper.
"Relax; I would have seen it coming" Jimini Jokes. They start to walk to Homeroom. "Very Funny." Jimini was the only person Alex knew, who has a special gift just like her.
When Jimini was little she was walking home from school and half way there she had her first vision. She saw her best friend getting shot by some fuzzy person with a symbol. She took the short way home so she really had to run to get to her friends house. Sadly Jimini didn't make it in time. When Jimini finally got to her friend house she saw the gang member shoot her friend. He disappeared but Jimini could not see his face. Her only memory of him is that he wore a symbol shaped like the later P. After that she learned that she could see into the future sec before it happen or sec to stop it. Latter on in life, Jimini became a gang member cause she new it was the only way to come across the person who killed her friend. She had made some really bad choices. She stole cars, attacked a cop, and she almost shot someone. After her punishments she was walking down a street and bumped into a stranger and had a vision. Pain rushed in her head as she saw the girl being attack by a shadow. Jimini got in front of the girl protecting her and within sec the shadow appeared. Jimini pushed the girl out the way and she was caught in the shadow. The girl that Jimini saved was Alex and Alex eyes turned red and she used her power of fire to break the shadow hold of Jimini. The shadow vanished and since then Jiminia and Alex become best friends.
"That girl name is Maria, she loves to party."
"Really, sounds like a real party animal" Jimini said bumping Alex elbow. Once they walk into their homeroom everybody sat away from Jimini because of her reputation. "Don't look now but you have a fan" Alex pointed at a guy staring at Jimini. The guy name is Jeremy and if he likes Jimini, staring at her is not going to get her vote. Jimini hates being stared at for the wrong reason.

Darktrue · 02-10-2005, 10:18 PM

All the drama and stuff won't happen until Chapter 6, but it would help if yall kept reading.

Thanks for reading by the way.

Selorian · 02-11-2005, 03:49 PM

Darktrue,

I think you have a pretty good story here. The thing is, you need to really concentrate on spelling, grammar, and the like a lot more. It is hard to start off slow and keep a reader interested until the good stuff starts without all the mistakes present in your writing. These just cause the reader to stop and not continue.

I would go back through this and rewrite it. I would normally not tell someone to do that, but if you want any feedback and comments, it is a necessity. Study some of your favorite books and learn from them. That is the best way to learn.

Stick with this. Try to make it so that your reader doesn't have to work around so many mistakes. That is when they will start seeing the story. I believe you can do this.

Cliff

Darktrue · 02-13-2005, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by selorian72

Darktrue,

I think you have a pretty good story here. The thing is, you need to really concentrate on spelling, grammar, and the like a lot more. It is hard to start off slow and keep a reader interested until the good stuff starts without all the mistakes present in your writing. These just cause the reader to stop and not continue.

I would go back through this and rewrite it. I would normally not tell someone to do that, but if you want any feedback and comments, it is a necessity. Study some of your favorite books and learn from them. That is the best way to learn.

Stick with this. Try to make it so that your reader doesn't have to work around so many mistakes. That is when they will start seeing the story. I believe you can do this.

Cliff

LOL, yeah yeah I know I know. I would change it, but like I said, I don't have time. I'm doing a bigger and better story and I don't want to go back in the past, I just want to move forward for now.

Darktrue · 02-13-2005, 02:35 PM

Chapter 3 - Alex the Fire Star

Jimini also saw this girl named Megan, Morgan little sister whispering in Jeremy ear pointing at Jimini. Frustrated, Jimini walked over to Jeremy and grabbed his shirt collar. She yanked him. "You got an eye problem, cause I can fix that." Jimini raised her right hand up, balling in into a fist.
"Please don't hurt me." Jeremy cries out. "Megan was the one talking about you." Jimini let go of Jeremy and looked over at Megan. Just when this mental talk/fight was getting good, the teacher walked in the room.
"Is there a problem ladies."
"No Mr. Mills" Jimini and Megan sayed at the same time walking toward there desk.
"Must you start fights?" ask Alex.
"I callem when I see them."

Once school was over Alex talked to Jimini and ask her if she would drive her and Maria to the new club. They both agreed to meet up at Maria house.
Friday night, and Alex put on a light blue and white jersey dress. She also put on a fragrant called diamond on. She left the house and started walking to Maria's house. She knew it was stupid of her walking alone in the dark by herself, but it would help Jimini out by not rushing and getting in trouble for hot wiring her brother's car. Alex crosses the street down to St. James and as she got closer to the house, Alex kept hearing footsteps behind her. Alex turned around, but saw no one. The more she walked the more the footsteps picked up. She stopped. Alex turned around and is ready to use her power. She saw something moving in the shadows behind a car. She can feel her power building, just ready to set something on fire. Just when she was about to let hell go, a door from behind her open.

Selorian · 02-13-2005, 05:45 PM

Quote:

LOL, yeah yeah I know I know. I would change it, but like I said, I don't have time. I'm doing a bigger and better story and I don't want to go back in the past, I just want to move forward for now.

That's ok. Just thought it may help get someone to read, especially since you are still posting new parts. Good Luck.

Cliff

blademasterzzz · 02-13-2005, 07:25 PM

Honestly, I can't quite appreciate the story, because it is very hard to read with all the errors. Just tale 30 minutes to correct it, otherwise the story is not worth the mistakes.

Darktrue · 02-13-2005, 11:49 PM

Are there any spelling mistakes in Chapter 3.

Queasy Dillo · 02-14-2005, 12:14 AM

Well...after a couple of rewritings, detail injections, and a massive overhaul you might have something here. As it is you're moving things along a little too quick for most people's (read, my) tastes. Slow down. Enjoy the scenery. Write the scenery.

That aside, you're jumping tenses in every installment, sometimes in the same sentence. That's something you might want to focus on, as it tends to drive people away (confusion doesn't sit well with readers).

I would write a comprehensive critique but I think your best course of action would be to print this out, wait a few days, and read it to yourself. Correct what you find, then repeat the process.

crzywriter · 02-14-2005, 12:21 AM

I was skimming throuhg this and woah so many spelling typos!

I basically agree w/ dillo's advice.

not saying that this couldnt be a good piece, but it will need a lot of rewriting.

~Crzy

Darktrue · 02-14-2005, 12:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzywriter

I was skimming throuhg this and woah so many spelling typos!

I basically agree w/ dillo's advice.

not saying that this couldnt be a good piece, but it will need a lot of rewriting.

~Crzy

Well, I change Chapter 3 cuz it's sunday and if I still got mistakes then I quit with the corrections.

crzywriter · 02-14-2005, 12:26 AM

yeh, well there are a few grammar/spelling type mistakes remaining in ch 3

when i am less tired i shall point them out.

never give up...never surrender!!

~Crzy