ExoticaRose

Heyo. This piece of work is something that I am doing off of the top of my head. While I do have a general direction of where I am going, I currently have no idea what will go on the paper, er, screen. Well, here goes:
(Oh, and please critique.)

I sit upon this old wooden desk, locked up in my cabin. My eyes no longer close in dark times such as these. Posting up on the cabin walls, is newspaper; It's filled with columns of information and numbers. I have not slept in days, that I haven't, but that's okay now that I'm so close...So close...

Right now the quibble pen scratches, claws it's way across the paper, frantically writing down figures and signs. It is reluctant to move any further, slowly slowing to a slow slow stop. But I force it to move further, hoping that this next calculation will be my last. My mind soars on sleepless ecstacy, flying above the clouds, zooming between the tar pits of my mind. And I think to that time, so long ago...My mind drifts off, and I remember...

Her beautiful body, the indian scarfe around her shapely hips. I was scared. I would stand there in the street when she wasn't looking, secretly admiring her beauty from afar; She always saw me, but I wouldn't know it. She smiles her smile, making me lurch; I dig my foot into the ground, hide my hands behind my back as the heat rises to my cheeks. She was so kind...So kind...Yet weak.

My heart races, as I sit in the creaking wooden chair. Sweat slides down my smelly, dirty, filthy skin. My clothes are drenched in it. This happens when one does not bathe in many months.

The cabin around me is moldy, tranquil in the woods, and peacefull sparrows chirp around the windows, but they don't sing today. The light doesn't flood in around the room like usual...The smell of urine covers the floor. It is a small cabin, with one bed, a stone fireplace, a desk and a shelf. I sit in the corner, huddled on my desk, weeping in the darkness as I calculate...and calculate...

I stop.

Getting up, I realize what I've done. What I've discovered. Beating faster, my heart jumps for joy! I've done it I have solved it I have won I can save her!

I close my eyes, finally, after all this time I close my eyes. I have not closed them, not since the mutilation which stained my hands so. The blood that forever marks them can never be washed off. On my desk lies a green bottle, with a blue vacuous liquid inside. My hand trembles with anxiety as I slowly reach for it...I lift it up and pour the contents inside my mouth. Like a thousand suns, the liquid burns! I shake, as I remember.
The sacrifice, the mutilation...She was screaming as I hacked her to bits and pieces. And for what? She was so Kind...So kind...

The power was too much...Yet I adored it. I rubbed up against it and purred. My bloodshoot eyes remember, the horrible images of that fatefull day. The chill breeze slashing at my tunic, ripping it apart. The power to be the leader...I was the leader...I am the leader...

She had the daring to DEFY ME!!! So kind, so kind, but weak...I could not have that...

I don't have to say anything more, for right now I'm smiling. You see...
I'm dead. I took her with me.

Ok...By the time I finished this little piece of work, I had a history of what has happened and I know why he is doing all of this. Do you?

So what ya think? It good Ja?

__________________
From the rose,
a drop of blood falls.
searing through my skin.
I cry.

Maithias

Wow, that's some pretty heavy stuff! But yeah, it's good. A wise man once told me, "If the writing is good enough to make you lurch, then it's good writing."

Your stuff did the trick! A simple proofread will clean up the minor punctuation and grammer, but as for the rest of the story, you've got me interested.

I think you'd do very well to keep up with the first person style. It's interesting to be in the head of the madman. Especially if, for no reason at all, he's thinking and in the middle of context just shreiks "Pancakes!!!" or something. Well, you know what I mean. The psychotic mind is always an interesting one, and you've got something good going.

~Maithias

__________________
"U'Ruk and Shaida be blessed."

Wyndstar

My---every read about the 'Black Dahlia' murder? I think you could write it from the murder's point of view and be extremely convincing.

It's very odd---I've been starved for something queer to read all day and here it was. Very disturbing, very realistic. Congratulations on such a marvelous success.

I'll be off now, hoping my nightmares won't bleed psychically to my children tonight...

crzywriter

wow, that was disturbing...not necessarily in a bad way. some of the sentence structure was clunky and it seemed like you switched from saying 'you' to 'one' at least a couple of times.

unless i'm mistaken, you don't need that comma there

and i think you spelled scarf wrong.

anyway, i really did like this story...even if it will haunt my dreams...