Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Fiction
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 12-18-2004, 07:14 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 11
Moosecandles
Send a message via AIM to Moosecandles
"Amazing Blue" Chapter One PG-13

“Amazing Blue”
Chapter I
Kayla

I just could not cut it. I had told myself that I had grown past this phase. He was staring at me from the opposite counter of the library. And it made my insides shake. He was constantly talking about books: Dante’s Inferno and Stephen King. He talked about mythology non stop. I wanted to listen. Those things had always been interesting to me. Except when he looked at me all I could do was stare. The brain shut down all other notions except the idea of him slamming me against a bookshelf and well…continuing on. I tried to keep my mind on alphabetizing and checking books out for people, but the Dewey Decimal System compared to watching him…well it really could not compare. The Librarians were getting worried, I use to have such focus before he came here. They just could not understand it. They must have lost their hormones a long time ago. And I had to go all summer trying not to get involved because I was leaving to go to college in New Orleans. Loyola University. So all I could do was watch this kid from far away. His spiky hair…his broad shoulders. Concentrate, Concentrate.

There is a specific incident that comes to my when I growled at the computer for not working and he stopped and stared at me for several long moments. He was carrying a giant stack of books and when I looked up at him he was just grinning and staring at me. I stopped in my tracks. The customer coughed lightly and I had to avert my gaze as he wandered off. The customer smiled slightly. She was old, but young enough to realize my problem.

“He’s adorable,” the old lady said in a strange crackly voice. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. She then took her book away which I suddenly realized was Anne Rice. She was still grinning as she shut the door behind her. Dirty old lady.
I couldn’t even go to sleep without seeing him in my mind. The dreams haunted me and I woke up with scratches and bruises from these dreams. Dreams in the library, in the woods, in the bowling alley. It was everywhere.
___________
When I woke up and my curtains had been pushed aside and this silvery light was pouring into my room my mind was in a panic. I shot out of bed trying to move away from the light. I always blacked out when the full moon hit. I had no idea what happened. I sneezed and I my site suddenly went color blind and I could smell everything. Then it went back to normal. I sneezed again. More powerfully this time and my stare stayed color blind. I felt my ears hearing my brother breathing on the floor below. I could hear her turn the page of the book she was reading and then a large pain hit my head and I fell to the ground.

Chapter I.II
Karla

When I woke up, I was in that room again. The same room I always wake up in. She wasn’t aware that I was sharing her body. I was very much doing so. I tried every full moon to take back what she was infected with. This humanity. I guess what you would call this is a spot of Lupine Fever Schizophrenia. She becomes a type of werewolf on the Full Moon and I am that side of her personality. Plus, she has no idea that it’s going on. I watch from the inside constantly but she does not know I even exist. I pushed myself off of the ground and sniffed deeply. She’s been lighting incense. I growled at the pajamas on my body. Fluffy and annoying. I walked over to the closet feeling the carpet in between my toes. I smiled as I ripped through clothes in the closet. Finally I found a pair of tight jeans and a small black shirt. I slid it on over my head. Pulled the jeans up and slid a pyramid spike belt through the belt loops. I looked at myself in the mirror. The girl was annoying but she looked good. She had black hair down to her shoulder that twisted in certain places naturally. She had a tan complexion and she was toned very well. She had a beautiful face with blue eyes. Right now the wolf eyes reflected back at me with vitality. I grinned showing teeth that were slightly sharper than normal. I lifted my thumb up to my mouth and let it slide across the skin on top of it. I applied some pressure and the skin split and a tiny bit of blood escaped into my mouth. It set my body alive. I smiled and licked the skin and it healed quickly. I slid on a short leather jacket that went to the waist. It was faded and had a slight red tint.

I bounded down the stairs carefully with a smile across my face. I met eyes with the girl’s mother. The mother sighed she could see me in the girl. She knew that I existed even more than the idiot did. She sighed and began to set her book down. I rolled my eyes,

“Oh mother, please just let go” She stopped in mid stand staring at me for a long moment. I grinned and grabbed the girl’s keys off of the rack and headed outside. I locked the door behind me and smiled as the girl’s mother slid the curtain back to watch me run away in her daughter’s body. I went back towards the garage. The house was located in a rural setting only a few miles from downtown. I slid the key in the padlock on the garage door and turned. Kayla didn’t know that this was even in the garage. A beautiful orange motorcycle sat there. Poor girl, she must have missed me. Christine. An evil destructive machine I smiled and wheeled her out of the garage I slid the door down and locked it. I climbed onto the bike and put the helmet on. I grinned wildly and took off out of the alley. I allowed my fox tail and ears to grow slowly out of my body and smiled as my tail whipped behind me. The difference between my generation of werewolves and others was that they ran through the forests hunting for animals, we raced through the city hunting humans.
__________________
-"Imitation Is Suicide"-
Moosecandles is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2004, 07:31 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Two miles due East of Limbo . . .
Posts: 20
Kez Ramsey
Send a message via MSN to Kez Ramsey
I like the idea of this story - it's very interesting. However, I think there might be a more effective way to bring it out. For instance, the little bit that comes before "Karla" is very confusing and jarring even after having read the full explanation. It comes out of nowhere, and as a reader, you're left wondering if you're supposed to understand but you've missed something or if you're supposed to be completely confused.

I understand it's fun to throw your readers through a loop sometimes, but I didn't particularly enjoy this loop.

Your style is well-developed and I really like the multiple-perspective take the story has so far. I think you just have to take a step back and remember that your readers won't have all the information you have in your head so even something that is supposed to be jarring can become utterly irritating. (I personally hate it when you're left going "what the hell?")

I like the story and the characterization you've revealed thus far, keep at it.

*This is all, of course, my personal opinion so disregard at your discretion.
__________________
"You know what a hero is? He's just so sick and tired he doesn't give a damn. And I don't give a damn." - Hawkeye
Kez Ramsey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2004, 07:46 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 11
Moosecandles
Send a message via AIM to Moosecandles
I was wondering about that. Thanks for the Advice. I will most likely use that in editing it. I just started writing this today.

The idea is that it is supposed to be jarring because it is jarring for the character. I could lessen it a little though so it's easier on the reader.

Thanks for the reply!
__________________
-"Imitation Is Suicide"-
Moosecandles is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:51 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers