Ascenion : Second Comings - Writers Forum

cas5875 · 12-16-2004, 12:38 PM

This is a short story that i began writing, its not finished yet, but i am trough six chapters, so i figure i will share them with everyone...

I am going to try and pace things good so expect the next xhapter to be posted in a week or two this should give everyone time to read through and not overload you with a 6000 word story (at least to date) all at once.

cas5875 · 12-16-2004, 12:39 PM

Chapter 1 - "A Boy's Tragedy"

I am a small boy from a small village. I live a simple life, and not much happens here, I play with my friend Fraust, who lives next door. Our houses lay on the edge of the village, at the entrance to the lush green forest. It is here that we spend most of our time, we are different from other children, who prefer to play in the center of the village with sticks. Fraust and myself venture off into the woods on a daily basis to play, to explore, to try to find new things. See thins is the difference between the others, and us they dream of times of war where they can fight valiantly for the king of Pyridia. Fraust and myself on the other hand are explorer's we dream of the new things we will discover.

One of the first things we discovered was the pond in the depth of the forest. A large rock at in the middle and the water was shallow enough for us to wade out to it where would do our dreaming. The treeline flowed in a circle around us allowing for the sun to glare down on the pond almost as if it were magical. The glare glowing bright off the glistening water gave us our canvas to paint our dreams of exploration. This was our life, simple, easy and fun, right? Well unfortunately, like everything in this world, all things change...

I awoke this morning, expecting yet another beautiful day, you see we seem to always have beautiful days here, hardly ever and rain or snow, not even a cold day have I experienced in my life. Sunshine, that’s what we are used to, that’s what we expect. But on this day things were different, I looked out my window to see darkness, the smell of fresh burnt wood filled my sinuses. This worried me, there was still a week left until the annual bonfire party in the center of town. So I quickly put on my shorts and a shirt, slid the old, wooden chair in my room to the window, so I could see out it. Yes before you laugh at me I needed to stand on a chair, remember I am only 6 years old at this time. I pulled myself on top of the chair and peered through the window.

To my shock, Fraust's house was in blazes, no it wasn't just his house, it was all the houses. Suddenly, I heard my mother screaming has she burst through my bedroom door. She quickly ran to me, grabbed me in her arms while she cowered in the corner. I was able to peer over her shoulder to see a large man in the doorway.

This man was massive, clad in midnight blue armor. On his shoulders sat a massive helm, horns seemingly flying out of the top of it on both sides. The helm was so massive that it completely shadowed his face, I could not make out a single feature, except for the two glowing red eyes peering down at me and my mother, Broad battle axe in hand, and at this moment I was convinced that I was staring at K'Tak, the devil himself.

This massive man who stood about 7-0" tall in his dark armor started to walk towards us slowly raising his axe. It was then that my mother released me and lunged towards this mysterious man as she yelled at me. "Cayden run, get out of here while you can". I took my mothers advice, I leaped towards the door. As I did this I saw this strange man grip my mother by her long flowing blonde hair. I was able to make it past him and out of my bedroom door, it was then that I heard my mother scream once more. Then there was a brief silence, which was followed by the sound of a deep hoarse voice laughing in pleasure. I turned and looked towards my bedroom door and there underneath the archway stood this man, this devil, who was now covered in a red liquid dripping that was not there before. It was dripping from everywhere, his armor, his axe, and in his once empty hand sat my mother’s head, severed at the neck with the same red liquid dripping from her expressionless head. Horror struck me once again as I realized this liquid that dripped from the mans body was blood, my mothers blood.

I ran out the front door, leaped off the porch and through the opening leading into the woods. I continued to run, hearing footsteps pursuing me, I was panicked, flustered I didn't know what to think, I could still hear the man laughing in my head. Until I finally reached the pond, the same pond where Fraust and I had spent almost every day of our lives together dreaming of the happiness we would endure, that is where I stopped. I could no longer hear the footsteps behind me. my head looked towards the treeline where I could see a deep dark orange glow coming from the direction of my village. This abnormal glow was accompanied by a thick black smoke, the same black smoke that was pouring out of Fraust's house when I awoke that morning. It was then that I made my way to the rock in the middle of the pond, I fell to my knees and buried my face into my hands. I began to weep, to cry, I could not get the picture of that man, holding my mothers lifeless head in his hand, out of my head, and with each moment I grew more upset, more sad, more depressed, and I continued to cry, harder and harder. For how long I cried I can not remember, I simply cried for what seemed like forever to me.

I cried till everything around me was dark, till the moon had replaced the sun high above in the sky, a once blue sky that now glowed orange. I was fully aware of the dangers that inhabited this forest at night, but I could not bring myself to stand up, or to even stop crying for that matter. I laid there on the rock, curled into a ball crying, hoping that this day was a nightmare, and that I would soon awaken to hear my mother's voice, singing has she prepared breakfast, to the smell of fresh cooked eggs filling the house, to the joys and fun that I experienced every day in my life. But I never awoke from this nightmare, it continued, much the same way I continued crying. I continued crying to the point where I lost consciousness, and there on that rock, in mine and Fraust's pond, I slept.....

As I slept on the rock a storm rolled in, an unusual event in the area that Venezia lay in. Raindrops fell onto my face awakening me, before I could open my eyes, I could hear voices and footsteps around me. Voices of men, deep and hoarse, like the strange man in my mother’s house. I clinched my eyes tight, sat back up on my knees, ready to meet my mother and Fraust again in the afterlife, has there was no doubt in my mind without even looking, that these men who stood around me were none other then those who massacred Venezia. Sitting on my knees, eyes held tightly shut, fists clinched, I screamed as loud as I could "MOTHER!!!!!!!!!". But before I could willingly accept my own demise, there was a loud crack of thunder in the sky above, and despite the cold wetness of the rain, I fell into unconsciousness again...

END CHAPTER.

Cat1745 · 12-17-2004, 12:42 AM

It is definately interesting, but I feel like you are using more modern phrases and words. I am assuming this is the start of a fantasy style story, by the names you use. With some of your words like bedroom(this one just stuck out at me) I kept being drawn out of the world you are creating back into modern times.
Some of your descriptions are very good like the pool with the light.

Quote:

One of the first things we discovered was the pond in the depth of the forest. A large rock at in the middle and the water was shallow enough for us to wade out to it where would do our dreaming.

and I really liked this one :

Quote:

clad in midnight blue armor. On his shoulders sat a massive helm, horns seemingly flying out of the top of it on both sides. The helm was so massive that it completely shadowed his face, I could not make out a single feature, except for the two glowing red eyes peering down at me and my mother, Broad battle axe in hand, and at this moment I was convinced that I was staring at K'Tak, the devil himself.

You were repetive with massive way to much, and maybe describe the invader a little better - especially as a grown man reflecting as the six year old would have seen him, like a boulder , the tallest mountain, something like that.
and definately some spelling/grammar to check on. I think I see now what it is -your descriptive words are a little on the boring side. most people know a battle axe is broad, but what about bloodied or etched, or gleaming and deadly sharp or something.

just my thoughts, but not bad for a start, I would like to see where this is going.

Cat

cas5875 · 12-21-2004, 04:50 PM

its time for the next installment, this one is not one of my best, but it does indeed get better...

Chapter 2 - "Answers and Questions..."

I begin to drift back into consciousness at the sound of a man's voice, "Wake up boy". This voice was different from the voices I heard before, it was kinder, gentler, it sounded somewhat sympathetic. I lifted my head, not awake enough to open my eyes yet, and the voice spoke again. "Can you tell me what happened here boy?". Confused I finally am able to open my eyelids despite the fact that they feel heavy, like someone pulling down on them to keep them shut. The first thing I did was look to the treetops towards my village, gone was the bright orange glow, the thick black smoke was also absent. Had I imagined the whole thing? Did I simply fall asleep out here and merely have a horrific nightmare? Putting his hand on my shoulder to get my attention the man spoke again."Boy, can you tell me what happened here?" I was able to pull my head away from the treetops with a sigh of relief, and thinking to myself how worried my mother must be. When my eyes reached the ground again, the pond, my pond was different.

The Pond and the area surrounding it had undergone a massive change. The water was no longer blue, but red. Area's of grass around the pond that were once lush and green were now covered in red as well, no longer did this seem like the place me and Fraust used to play. But the most shocking difference of all was the seven dead bodies that lay on the ground near the water, surrounding the pond. Bodies of men, men wearing midnight blue armor, the same armor that the stranger who visited my house and took my mother's life in my nightmare wore. Each ones helm was split in two on the ground by the body, as if they had been struck by some great force, a force strong enough to team steel apart. And once again I was struck by horror as I realized it was no nightmare, it was reality and my mother was gone and along with her Venezia was no more. Expressions of intense pain were worn by the lifeless bodies, whatever had taken their lives, did it brutally. Despite the pain of my mother, my home, Fraust and everything I knew being ripped away from me, I found some comfort in knowing these men who took everything from me suffered greatly before they passed.

The man spoke to me again, "Boy can you understand me?". This time I replied "Yes, I can...", and I finally brought myself to gaze upon this new stranger. He was about 6'0" tall and he too wore armor, but I found comfort in the fact that his armor was different from the others. It was brightly polished silver, with gold trim everywhere, he wore a red cape over his shoulders, and not red like the strangers armor had become red, this was red because it was meant to be red. His armor shined under the sunlight and I was able to notice an insignia on it, it was the crest of the Pyridian Guard. Suddenly I felt safe again...

The man repeated a question that he had previously asked me. "Can you tell me what happened to these men?". I wanted to answer him, but I was in such awe over his majestic appearance, that I was left speechless. "Ok lets start with something simpler, you have gone through a great ordeal, my name is Cantrell, can you tell me yours" he asked. I was able to blink myself back to reality and replied, "Yes my name is Cayden...". "Good that’s a start, can you tell me what happened to these men?" , Cantrell asked. "No sir, I can’t, but I can tell you what happened to Venezia." I answered. "Ok then let’s start with that." I proceeded to tell him the whole story, about how I woke up, the strange man in my house, my mothers death, the fires, the whole nine yards, pausing occasionally to make sure I had all the details right.

After I had told my story to Cantrell, he gave me some food he had in is supply sack, I was so hungry, I devoured the food much like a great white shark would devour a minnow. Once I was finished eating Cantrell spoke again. "I am going to take you to my commander, he is in what’s left of Venezia. His name is Marshall have you ever heard of him before?". I was a little dumb founded at first by the question, of course I knew who Marshall was, Everyone knows who he is. Marshall was the greatest knight to ever don the Pyridian Guard armor, his skills in combat were extraordinary, as were his strategies in war. He was the only Pyridian General to never lose a battle. When Cantrell had said this my eyes grew big, I was about to meet a living legend, and despite dreaming of being an explorer, all kids, regardless of their interest wants to be la warrior like Marshall. So I agreed to tell Marshall what had happened and we made our way towards the Venezia.

After traveling a short distance we reached Venezia, well at least what was left of it. All the houses that once stood in this town were now simple piles of ashes. The Pyridian guard had set up camp here to investigate the town's destruction. I was escorted to the main tent. As I entered I laid my eyes on the man, the legend, on Marshall. We towered over me standing about 6'5", he had short black hair and a neatly cut black beard to go along with it. His armor was pure gold, not a single sign of the color silver on it at all, and like Cantrell, he had a red cape covering his shoulders. He was magnificent, he appeared fierce but at the same time calm and gentle. Marshall ordered all of the soldiers out of the tent except Cantrell so I could tell him my story.

After finishing the story Cantrell told Marshall about the dead men at the pond. "I wonder where these men came from and why they came here, any idea's Cantrell" Marshal inquired. "They were Draven's men my lord." Cantrell informed him. Marshall replied are you positive?". "Yes my lord". "Damn, what are they doing this far south of Everson, and how did they die?" Marshall said. " the only people who can answer that my lord are laying at the pond, the boy saw nothing, I can't believe he slept through it and wasn't harmed, there had to of been a fierce battle for seven of Draven's men to be taken out" Cantrell replied. "Very well Cantrell, take the boy, I need to write my report for the King, he won't be happy about this" Marshall said has I was taken away be Cantrell. I could tell Marshall was very upset as I left, and its understandable, you see Draven was a warlord, probably the most feared Warlord in the world for his ruthlessness. He was a ruler of another country, and had been for the past forty years, he is rumored to be of an ancient race that live much longer then normal humans and can command magic from birth with no training. If this is true no one really knows, and to be quite honest most everyone is too afraid to try to find out.

The following morning Cantrell woke me and informed me that the Guard had packed everything up and will be heading back to the Capital City. I was to be taken with them and would placed into a foster home. Needless to say I was not to fond of this idea, but Cantrell reassured me that it would be placed in a good home. Marshall was nice enough to walk the whole way to the capital city and let me ride his horseback. It was a beautiful horse, solid white, not a single trace of any other color.

As we entered the city I was amazed at its Beauty. Coming from a village that was nothing more then dirt and wood, this city was amazing, everything was white brick, buildings, bridges, everything. People were on the streets doing their daily business, but they all stopped and applauded at the return of Marshall. We went straight to the castle where I was to stay the night before being escorted to the home for orphans. The room I was in was huge, larger than 3 of my houses in Venezia. the bed was soft and so comfortable, that I drifted away to sleep.

END CHAPTER 2