Pats

Well, this is the excerpt from the opener of my novel, again. No Worries had given me some very good feedback on this opener last week, and I wanted to show you all the progress I've made after recieving that advice. I think it worked great.

Also, NW, thank you for recommending I change the male protagonist's name. Now that I have, the construction of his character is flowing much better for me. That was an excellent observation.

Here's a link to the story on line, enjoy.

Thanks to anyone who can comment on this in advance. This scene is very important to the novel, and I'm trying to shine it to perfection. Every little bit helps.

I've continued editing this first post to include the continuation of this story, btw. I'd really enjoy hearing thoughts and ideas of all sorts on this, thanks.

Thanks for checking in on me! Pulled it down for the time being

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

NoWorries

Hey Pats!

Is this the same story?!?! LOL, I love the changes you've made and you took my suggestions to heart, that really makes me feel good.

The energy from start to finish is GREAT! I can't wait to read the next part. I like the name change too.

Only a couple of things I'd like to see tweaked now.

I didn't like the way Janie replied with, "she retorted somewhat defensively."

I think this line would be better if she just retorted. Or if you're attached to defensively then she can retort defensively. But the somewhat is indecisive and has to go.

Along the same line, "Janie reminded with a tone of caution." would be cool if it was just "Janie reminded." Because then we wonder if she said it cautiously or wistfully, and I think it'd add a lot of excitement if we, as the readers, didn't know.

Next, I know that they haven't met, you know they haven't met, but when I read the line, "You know how many months since you met" and kinda cocked my head...the meaning is sort of ambigous and I'd like Trish to say something else. Like, "You two have been talking for how many months? And still you're wondering if this is a good idea?"

And for some nit-picks. The line, "The walls were somewhat sparsely decorated, though there was definitely a clean and tidy appearance to everything." has that same unsuredness I mentioned above. I think I said I liked that unsuredness last time I read this story, but now I realize it's not Janie's, and that's who I'm worried about right now. I think some trimming of that line, getting rid of "Somewhat" and "definitely" to tighten up the line. And while I'm picking at the Nit's, "eggshell colored walls" would be stronger as "Eggshell walls", in my opinion.

In the end, that's all I can find wrong with it. Otherwise I'm really excited with how well you got it flowing.

Lastly, this line is my favorite of the whole story :

"Looking forward to seeing your pieces,
Janie"

Pats

Those are excellent nit-picks. I'd have to pay some free lance editor money to spot those for me if I don't develpe a more careful eye for going over my own stuff, NW. Thanks a bunch.

LMAO!!!!

Well, they're antique collectors. I don't know why, it just seemed like an interesting way to meet online. :p Glad you enjoyed the line

Pats---the one what will put those nit-picks to good use

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

Pendulum

I love this line, although I think that should be Boutique's.

Though this one may just give it a run for it's money!

Great writing! I'd like to read the rest of it. I like how the emails seem realistic. I know this is a minor detail, but whenever I try to write a story involving emails I can never think of ones that think realistic. I also like how both the characters so far (the two women) interact with each other so realistically. I would have to say the bit at the beginning where she is trying to get the coffee is definately amusing and puts some action into the story.

A few minor spelling errors I noticed, nothing much, a quick reading over should point those out. As NoWorries said, there are a couple of sentences that you could have put more bluntly to add to the story. Good job, I look forward to reading more!

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Society Blows

Pats

Thanks again, NW for your compliments and critique. I found it very helpful!

Pendulum, I would also like to really thank you for reading and commenting. It's great to hear your opinions. I need to know what folks who don't know me think of this work. I'm really hoping to publish my first book...

I have revised it again using your input. Thanks again.

The revision is now available in the same link as my original post if you're interested in viewing it.

I did opt to keep the "eggshell colored walls" because I was afraid it might read as though I were saying the walls were like eggshells without the word colored, and I use the descriptor "off white" in the next sentance for the chair, so I couldn't use that twice so close together.

Let me know if you can think of some other option to say the same thing more smoothly, ok?

I do have 16 more pages I could show you guys, but it needs editing and I'm trying to work writing more of the story before I keep editing right now. I don't want to loose my steam.

Also, it's a WIP (Work In Progress) right now. It may be too soon to show too much. Though, I'll be looking for more input on other scenes too.

If you're really interested in them, PM me and I'll send you the link. They're no where near ready for a grande display in my opinion.

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

Pats

Pendulum and NW, thanks again to you both for your reviews and opinons. I've certainly found you both to be helpful. I've added the next excerpt to my original post above. Well, what I've got for part two anyway at the moment.

I don't want to loose the interest I built in the first scene. So, thoughts are welcome.

I've got 11,000 words on this story, but it's still in the early stages. Any thoughts will be most appreciated again, of course. Thanks everyone.

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

Pendulum

Part 2 is just as interesting as part 1. I can't wait until the next installment. I have a few corrections for you.

I think you could just say "a banana in each hand" or "a stick in each hand" or something similar. It reads better.

I think you mean "bon appetit". Bon a petit literally translates to "good have small" ]

This sentence just doesn't read well to me. Try re-wording it.

Not a criticism, but a compliment. I really like this sentence!

I don't think wondered is the right word here. I think you could just take out the Trish wondered part here.

The first and last sentences of this part are similar. I don't know if you intended this, but it just doesn't read so well to me.

"Laughing her toosh off". This isn't really the sort of phrase one uses in writing. It would be something someone says, but it's a bit informal for the actual writing.

Take out "and couldn’t decide what relation one’s niece’s daughter is".

You don't thrust a baby!!

Those are all my comments, I hope I wasn't too nitpicky! You're a very talented writer, the only bad thing I notice with your writing is that you tend to be too descriptive when the characters speak. You shouldn't have to say what your characters are feeling, it should come out in the dialogue, which it does, but then you add the unnescessary descriptions of their feelings. These are ok in moderation but you tend to overdo them a bit. Your writing is very good, can't wait for part 3!

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Society Blows

Pats

OK!

Thanks for your help, Pendulum. You have a good eye. It helps so much to get an informed second opinion. I'll let you know when I'm ready to show part three over here.

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

NoWorries

Pats,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you on the second piece. I think it reads just as well, if not better than the first chapter.

I love how you jump into the beginning with the roller coaster, but without telling us right away what it is. It does a nice job of comparing the uncertain step she is about to take to the thrill of an amusement park ride.

I also like how you've expanded on Eric here. His part was dissapointly small in the the beginning, and I think the second chapter redeems him.

I think that Pendulum did a good job of pointing out the minor problems, I especially agree with, "while laughing her toosh off." which jumped out of the page at me and could, if not removed, destroy the whole story. It's something that Trish could say, if you wanted to leave it in, but it can't stand as a descripter of her action.

Overall, I think the second chapter does a good job of keeping the story moving, you easily could have gone straight to the date, but by adding other little stories, you've broadened the story and developed the characters very well.

Saying that, I think that the story about the birth could put some tension on the story and break Janie's calm, cool attitude, because right now I think she is a little too together. I'm not sure how to describe it, I like how you describe her, she does have everything together, except for the e-mail thing, and I'd like to see how she'd react if maybe the doctor said, "There have been some complications, we've moved your niece to the ER and will keep you posted." Then we'll get to see how much Janie thinks of her niece, because right now with her forgetting the last name, they seem a little too removed.

Of course, in the end, I want the baby and niece to be alright, but for a few tense moments I'd like to see Janie react in the waiting room. It's entirely up to you if you want to go back and write that much, however.

That said, looking forward to the next chapter.

Pats

Thank you very much. I was afraid it wasn't.

Funny you should say that. In the original version I wrote of chapter one, it went into a lot of detail, too much probably, of Eric as well as Janie's relationship with Tony aka Hank and everything.... But it was very esoterical with very little action. That's why I rewrote it. I also wanted to allow more of the facts of Janie's past life with Eric, as well as Janies 14 month on line relationship with Tony develope slower of the course of the story.

After you read the next few chapters, you'll have to tell me if I should go back and include more about Tony in ch. 1 or not. I'm working a lot today, but tomorrow or Wed. I plan to re-do ch. 2 using both of your suggestions, as well as whipping more of it into proper shape to show to you to. Actually, everything up to ch. 6 is posted on my BBS and the link is in my profile if you want a sneek peek. Pls just keep in mind, that those chapters are not quite as well refined as what I've posted here. I intend to edit them both alot over the next few days, and then I am really hoping to hear what both of you think of it.

If you do choose to go and look at it, tell me your impressions although I haven't refined it. I'd like to know where I am, and I agree with your opinions, both. Most of what you have told me to change, was already a thought in the back of my mind, and I'm not sure why I didn't change them. I'm going to try to just change anyting I question and see what you guys think of everything.

I appreciate both of your help so much, and will post more soon

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

Pats

Oh NW, I am almost forgot to tell you, you're reading my mind about complications with Debbie's delivery, but they occur in ch. 7 or 8.

The part where Janie forgets her last name, is intended to show that she is out of sorts, since I know how close Janie and Deb are. I'm going to re work that into something else, since it gave you a completely opposite impression from what I intended it to give.

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

Pats

So, the part where she trips over the table in the waiting room and sends the magazines flying doesn't show that she's not quite as calm as she'd like to be? You think it needs more things like that to show that she is a bit out of sorts?

I just rewrote part two. I'm sure it won't even be the last time I revise it. I've written quite a bit about Janie and Debbie at the point I'm up to now, and looking back, I needed to add more interaction between them in this scene. So, I'm glad I went back over it. The revised version is there now in the same link. I took your advice about most of the things you suggested.

I'm so glad you two liked it. I really wasn't sure about this. Personally, I think my current versions of parts 3-6 need something more than what they've got. But after I do some more editing, I'll share and see what you say.

Thanks again.

Part 3 is kinda short... I guess it's about the same length as Part One. Then Part 6 is unproportionally long, but I just can't manage to split it into two Anyway, the link to part three is now up there in the original post Please, keep the comments coming. I'm anxious to hear what you think. I'm trying to catch my own problems in my own editing, and you guys are really helping me to learn it

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

Pats

I've made my revisions, and decided to just add part four here.

I think part 3 was kind of short and week and I may combine 3 & 4 alltogether. What do you think?

I'm also afraid that part 5 might drag, but I know things really pick up in 6-7. So, once you've had the chance to look at this, if you're interested in the rest, please let me know and I'll put it up.

This is my first real attempt at a novel, and I'll take any help I can get

Thanks a million,
Pats

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke

Pendulum

Part 3 & 4 are excellent. It really starts to get the reader into the story. I couldn't find any mistakes in either, except for a couple of typos that you could easily find. It's great writing when she doesn't get seated with Tony at the restaurant, and it allows for some extra interesting events. Keep up the good work!

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Society Blows

Pats

Thank you so much for continuing to comment on this story, Pen. It means a lot to me. I was afraid it might have started to drag or get boring here. I'm glad I can trust myself a little more more now to think that what I'm interested in writing, also makes for interesting reading.

Thanks a million.

I'll put the next part up soon.

I'm writing part 8 at the present.

Pats

__________________
"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
---Edmund Burke