Start to my newest Fantasy/horror/romance/drama story! - Writers Forum

writerprincess15 · 12-02-2004, 10:02 PM

Hey! This is the start to my newest story. Keep in mind that it is a rough copy and that i might add and take away stuff from it later. Please let me know what you think of it..do you think i should continue and make this longer..or not...I'd really love to hear your opinions. This story is a fantasy/adventure/romance/drama/horror..it basically has a bunch of stuff in it..i have alot planned out for this in my head..at one point in the story i am going to have their be a riddle in all of these different languages that they all have to work together to solve..but anyway, just let me know what you think! Thanks!

"Claire? Claire? Pardon, Mais..."
"Je suis desolee, mais...do you speak english?"
"Oui! I mean yes, sorry. Have you seen my sister? Her name is Claire and she is about 8 years old. She has long poofy blond hair and bright blue eyes...have you seen her?"
"No, I'm sorry, i have not...i was actually just looking for my brother..have you seen him? He is about 9 and he has short brown hair and brown eyes. His name is Tyeler..."
"Is his nickname Tye?"
"Yes! Have you seen him?"
"No..but my sister Claire has seen him..she said she met him the day we arrived here last week..could they be together?"
"I dont know...maybe..but i have looked all over already..and i have not found either of them.."
"Ughhhhhh! My mom and dad are going to kill me!"
"Same here! My parents are going nuts not knowing where Tye is..I'm Lillian by the way. Lillian Johnson. But you can call me Lily, everyone does." 15 year old Lily held out her hand for the 16 year old boy to shake. Her long brown hair was flowing in the gentle summer breeze and her brown eyes seemed to light up as they hooked with the blond haired boy's blue eyes.
"I'm Fleuve." The boy replied, shaking her hand. "Fleuve de D'ucem."
"Fleuve, that's a pretty name..it means river..right?" Fleuve nodded and Lily continued. "I can tell you are not from here."
"You're right. I am from France." Fleuve smiled.
"So then why are you spending your summer here in the U.S. on a beach in the woods far away from Paris where you could be shopping?"
"Well, because my family and i moved here to the U.S. when i was 10 and Claire was 2. We usually just spend our summers in Texas where we now live..but we decided we'd like to spend a summer away from the busyness for once..now i know that was a huge mistake. I was in charge of watching Claire, and like always she has run off. Are you from here?"
"Yep, afraid so. I come here to this beach in the woods with my family every summer. Usually it is just us. But Dad built the 3 extra cabins this summer and so now we get to share this beach with your family and two other families..neither of which i have met yet.."
"Same here.."
"Is French your first language then?"
"Yes, and i learned English when i was 10..right around the time we came here to America...what about you..you seemed to understand me ok..."
"Well, english is my first language and French is my second. I started learning it about 3 years ago..so i am not perfect.."
"Au Contraire, Comment ca va?"
Lillian sighed. "Pas mal, et toi?"
"Comme ci, comme ca."
Lillian giggled.
"See you are perfect!" Fleuve grinned.
"I think not." Lily laughed.
"DID NOT!"
"DID TO!"
Lily and Fleuve jumped in their spot when they recognized two argueing voices.
"Tye!"
"Claire!"
Lily and Fleuve raced further away from the beach towards the woods. And sure enough, Claire and Tye were sitting up in a tree argueing over something.
"DID NOT!"
"DID TO!"
"TYE!"
"CLAIRE!"
Tye and Claire looked down at their older siblings and groaned.
"You are in so much trouble!" Lily snapped at her brother. "Do you realize how worried we have been?"
"But..."
"Get down!" Lily cut Tye off. "Get down here right now!"
Her scolding seemed nothing compared to how Fleuve was scolding his sister.
"Ca-ce n'est pas plezant ca! Je te deteste! Vien ici maintenant! Mamman et papa ne vas pas pense ca est amusant!" Fleuve's face was red with anger as he yelled.
"Je suis desolee! Je suis desolee!" Claire weeped as she and Tye began to climb down from the tree.
" Je ne le veux pas entender! Vien ici maintentant et de n'est pas d'excuse."
Claire was close to tears as Fleuve pulled her down next to him.
"I'm sorry Lily! But we..."
"Dont you make any excuses either Tye! I am very angry with you!" Lily said in a snippy voice as she lowered Tye next to her, Claire, and Fleuve.
"Sil vous plait!" Claire ran up to Lily. "Sil vous plait! Just listen to us!"
"Oh i am all ears!" Fleuve cried. "I am more then willing to find out why you thought you could run off without telling any of us where you were going!"
"They were here!" Tye yelled. "They were here! They came for me and Claire and so we ran into the tree. We were arguing over weather they had seen us yet..."
"Whoah..who is 'they'?" Lily asked.
Tye fell silent as he looked at the pale Claire.
"Tye! Look at me!" Lily said. "Who are they? Are they people who were chasing you?"
"No..no..they were definitely not human..."Tye answered in barely a whisper.
"Tye, you are not making sense..now.."
"Tye!" Claire interupted Lily as she grabbed Tye by his arm. She had her head tilted back and was staring up at the sky and her voice was shaky as she spoke. "Tye..they found us!"
The wind had now began to jerk harder and the sky was graying extremely fastly. Tye, Lily, and Fleuve now followed Claire's gaze only to see quick whoosh of dark blueness.
"What is that?" Lily cried.
Whatever it was it didn't look comforting. It was moving to fast for any of them to tell what it was..but it gave them chills just to be in its presence. Now it flew over the 4 cabins and hovered there eerily for a few more seconds. Then...
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
Just like that the weird thing had let out 4 lightning bolts and the 4 cabins vanished from sight. Then the weird thing also vanished from their sight!
"Oh..oh my god!" Lily gasped.
The first thing that came to any of their minds was their parents. And so they now raced towards where the cabins had been to search for their parents and to see if the two other families were ok.

daniela · 12-07-2004, 04:58 PM

It is interesting, but for something that is supposed to be part adventure there seems to be very little action and too much dialogue. You could cut and rewrite much of the dialogue and still retain the essence of your story.

I think you should continue and see what you come up with. It is possible that you may find this bit really belongs to another story that you are working on (that has happened to me before), or you may decide to scrap it for now. Whatever happens, write it down now before you lose the idea and save any revising for later.

--DM--

writerprincess15 · 12-07-2004, 05:41 PM

Thanks for your opinions! I did what you said and you were right. It was part of another one of my stories. I am working on making them into one right now. I have blended about a chapter of it together and i think it is pretty good. I am thinking of posting that up here..do you think i should? I have started to blend together a chapter two but i am also working on a story that is a Mystery/ Horror. But anyways, thanks for your advice i really appreciate it. I actually love to hear the bad comments. That way i know what i am doing wrong. And then when i see the bad comments going down i know i am improving! So thanks and i really love to hear your advice!

daniela · 12-07-2004, 06:06 PM

You are welcome. It is really up to you whether you want to post the chapter or not. Do you feel it is ready to be shown? Is it too fresh of an idea that you are not sure what is going on yet? Are you at the point where you need some advice before you can or want to continue? Do you just want to show curious members what you are working on so they do not think your absence was caused by you drowning in the toilet after a night of heavy drinking? Those are some of the questions that may help you make your decision.

Keep writing!

--DM--

writerprincess15 · 12-08-2004, 08:42 AM

Thanks again. I have thought about it and i really am not done with the first chapter.i kind of just blended it together quickly..but i havent reread through it yet. I should do that and then i can see where i am. Thanks again!

Devon · 12-21-2004, 08:22 PM

Is this the fantasy story that you were talking about? Let me know if there's another one I should be searching out as well.

Just a few (mostly positive) comments. There's definately something going on here. Where you left off in the chapter signifies that this 'whatever it was' isn't from this (or their, as the case may be) world and is planning on wreaking further havoc.

I'd like to say that you're writing this one in third person omniscient, where the writer can write in a style that encompasses the entirety, rather than just the thoughts of one main character. However, even though the dialogue here is very good, it's difficult to tell if that is the case or if one main character will be featured. Sometimes, writers like to start a scene or a chapter using third person omniscient and gradually focus in on the featured character.

Anyway, I agree with Daniela. There is a lot of dialogue. But, if you'd like to keep the majority of it dialogue, interspersing some description throughout will help bring the reader into the scene a little better. To the reader, the scene can feel a little 'empty' without a bit of description of where they are. For some writers, description is the most difficult thing to write, while dialogue is the easiest, with narration falling somewhere in between. (At least, that's how I feel with my own writing) But, I've learned a trick I'd like to pass on to you. When trying to write a descriptive scene, and this works mostly when the focus is on a single main character, try to use all five senses. Most writers starting out usually have the character 'look/see/view/glance' and the like. I'm at fault with that as well. Try to think of other things using the other senses. What did the person smell? What does such and such feel like (touch)? Does the main character eat something or can they picture how something inedible would taste.

Gah. I'm getting off the subject.

At one point in time your dialogue suddenly switched without warning to the reader:
"See, you are perfect!" Fleuve grinned.
"I think not," Lily laughed.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
The switch between what Lily says and the "Did not!" is a little unclear for the reader. A little later on, the reader catches up with who's saying what, but for the moment, the reader gets thrown from the state of being enthralled with what's written. When writing, I've discovered you want to lure the reader in, grab hold of their eyes and mind, and refuse to let them go. Play as many tricks as you want, but be sly about it. I suppose you have to be kind of like a snake charmer, keeping the reader's attention lest they 'bite' you by laying down your novel.

A tangent! I traipsed off onto a tangent again. Gah.

One more thing: I would have liked to have the weird thing at the end a little more in detail. It doesn't, and in fact shouldn't if the kids couldn't see it clearly, have to be described to a 'T.' If you have an idea of what this thing kind of looks like (even if only parts of it are clear in your mind) then tug at the reader's curiosity by giving odd hints about what it could be. Lead them in a direction, let them think one thing, and spring upon them another.

But, all in all, there is something very interesting going on here. The two younger kids have seen something, as have the older ones a little later on, and now they are worried that this 'thing' is about to strike down their parents' cabins. I'd like to see how this develops.

writerprincess15 · 12-21-2004, 10:39 PM

Thanks Kim.
No this is not the fantasy i was talking about before, my fantasy that i posted here was called Leelee's adventures. I got as far as posting up to chapter two of the second book in the series. But no one ever replied so i figured i have better just stop posting. It should be towards the bottom of this list here.
Anyhow, thanks for your advice on this story. When i read and reread through it i realized there was a lot of mistakes and things i did not like and your advice has also pointed out some more good facts. Right now i am on to writing a mystery/drama/advneture that you have started ot read and i am also working on a few other stories at the moment. So i think for now i am going to put this story aside. I had big ideas for it but this just isn't something i feel like continueing with at the moment. Maybe later i will come back to it and feel enough passion to fix it up. But not right now. Oh, and i could use your advice on another subject. One of the stories i am working on right now is called "Hidden in the Purple Mist!" it is a fantasy and romance and drama and horror and other things as well. I am still working on Chapter one of that. I am not sure if it will be interesting enough though. Could i tell you what it is about and then maybe could you tell me what you think i should do?
Anyhow, (i saw anyhow alot dont i? oh well! he he) thanks for your advice! I appreciate it lots! Hugs!
Terra!