Sluag

It was finally dark, but with the night came the chill from the northern winds; He had been sitting there for what seemed to be day’s when in reality it had only been a matter of hours. He had to be there waiting for them when darkness came for with the darkness they awoke, Who are they you ask these beings who slept during the day and lived for the night, they are the bat clan and the wolf clan, why they are working together again is not only elusive but frightening seeing as they have not crossed the borders of eagle mountains that divide their lands in over two hundred years. The first appearance of the combined forces were only 2 months ago when they entered the lands of the raven clan and massacred every single person in the clan. We were given gifts from the gods of both good and evil to keep a balance in the world, now that the people were shattered by the actions of these two clans he is the last remaining raven warrior to live it is his duty to bring a balance back to the land. What is his name you ask Sluag (pronounced Slooa).

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Sluag

I am new but have been working on this for a little while be honest I can take it

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There goes the nuclear family, they blew up!

FieryHands

[quote="Sluagh" Who are they you ask these beings who slept during the day and lived for the night, they are the bat clan and the wolf clan, why they are working together again is not only elusive but frightening seeing as they have not crossed the borders of eagle mountains that divide their lands in over two hundred years.(pronounced Slooa).[/quote]

This sentence is a little too long. Feels like it needs a question mark after night. Also for the sentence where they entered the Raven clan's land, its probably not necessary to repeat the word clan, its clear who they killed.

I found the prologue interesting, certainly hints at a potentially cool plot.

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Sluag

Thanks for the input I will definitly have to fix those suggestions. I'll have to work on the plot a little while longer but Thanks.

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There goes the nuclear family, they blew up!

Timeaisis

Intresting prologue thus far, just some grammatical errors.

This sentance is extremlly long and doesn't "flow correctly".

Should be something more like this:
"He had to be there waiting for them when darkness came for with the darkness they awoke. Who are they you ask, these beings who slept during the day and lived for the night? They are the bat clan and the wolf clan; why they are working together again is not only elusive but frightening seeing as they have not crossed the borders of the eagle mountains that divide their lands in over two hundred years."

"What is his name you ask? His name is Slaug."
You do not neccessarily need a question here, as you could simply state his name was Slaug. Just rmemeber not to impose a question and an answer in the same sentance.

Try to have shorter sentances, and all questions should be part of a new sentance. Hoped this helped. Intresting prologue so far, I would like to read more.

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Sluag

Thanks for the encouragement and critic' It has helped me alot.

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There goes the nuclear family, they blew up!

xxisniffgluexx

Nice work Sluah! Very creative. It does however sound like a playoff of Underworld, but it does have its differences. Just make sure you cant be fined for plagarism or anything... it's a killer!!!

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