Raoul Duke

Hey everybody. I'm new here and am a junior in highschool and I would like to submit some of my work to you all. This is a story that was assigned to me in my global lit class. It is what if everyone in the world but our class dissapeared scenario that we had to write a story about . It was largley influenced by the person who inspired me to finally become a writer. Dr. Hunter S. Thompson. It was assigned to be one page typed. Well here it is . P.s. I hate the title.

A conspiracy, a Miracle, or a Dream
We were sitting in class and all of the sudden there were the sounds of terrible crashes all around us. When the crashes stopped somebody got up and walked out the door. After he exited the rest of us followed. We found him staring out the window not at any one thing, but absorbing the entire surrounding. There were cars all around us flipped bent and crashed. After everyone came to their senses we searched the school for anybody but it was completely empty. Not even dawning on us that the civilized world as we knew it was completely gone and we were the only ones left. We all went back to our class to think. I decided to leave and not to stay like Mr.Ryan and most of the others wanted. If anything had happened I wanted to know immediately. I began home bearing witness to a number of what had been crashes and explosions but where was the injured and the owners of the vehicles. Since they were careless enough to leave their car crashed on Lindbergh I decided they wouldn’t miss their cars. So I took one and drove the rest of the way home. When I arrived I was shocked at the site of my dads truck crashed into our house. I ran inside and searched the house. Nobody. I tried all the phone numbers I knew and spent the rest of the day just guessing and hoping somebody would pick up. Once again nobody. I felt completely alone and abandoned. I decided I would go for a drive looking for survivors. Under these circumstances it is hard to hold on to ones sanity. I thought that I had been the guinea pig in some sick government experiment. There was only one thing to do and that was to attack the government’s weakness. I had to break as many laws as I could in hopes that they would interfere and come clean trying to make me stop. I swerved the car into the nearest store window I could find and began looting. I set the store on fire hoping that would push me over the edge. But nothing. No sirens, no lights, and no government men in long white coats and pocket protectors. I fell into a deep depression. Why did they leave me, was I not wanted was I abandoned by all those I loved and knew. I was very thirsty so I went to a gas station to get a drink and get another car. When I walked into the store I decided to stay for some days seeing how much food and drinks I could get. While I was watching some strange movie about a man and his lawyer in Las Vegas I was doing some thinking. I did not thank god for sparing me but I became vengeful for taking them. My family, my friends, everything. I did what most others would do in my position. In one day I had lost hope in everything I ever believed in dreamed in and thought. I began drinking heavily. For the next three days I was completely sideways on terrible drinks that burned the whole way down. I decided it was only a matter of time until whatever it was that got everyone else came back for me so it was best to leave. More for curiousness than survival I decided to go back to school. When I got there I went to Mr. Ryan’s class and stood in the doorway watching a student with a very long undoubtedly sharp knife questioning multiple other students about absolute nonsense. But in our current situation it seemed to make since to anyone. I remember saying something like “Jeeze what happened to you”. The monster with the knife turned and began walking towards me threateningly. I had one choice. I swung my bottle and hit him. Hard. He fell to the ground and it was evident he would not be getting up for a while. I laughed and then fell into an alcohol-induced coma. When I came to, the student I had hit was in the corner tied-up and struggling. I asked the others what happened. They said I was out for a good number of days. Just then it dawned on me I hadn’t slept since I left. I asked where everyone else was. They said they went with Mr. Ryan to some sort of cabin. That sounded like a good idea and I began to regret leaving. I asked them what the tied student was doing. It turned out that after I left so did he but later he came back completely gone with paranoia. It appeared that they hated him but I could only simpasize with him. He was lucky to be insane, he didn’t have to deal with the harsh reality of what was happening and going to happen to us all. We all sat around and discussed what would be best to do. One person suggested repopulating the earth but then we remembered none of us were doctors and didn’t know how to birth babies. Another person suggested going to the cabin but none of us knew were it was. The rest of the students decided to look for it but I was once again going to separate from the group. I still wanted to know what had happened. After they left I was sitting in the room and decided to leave I looked over to the nightmare tied in the corner. I asked if he wanted to come with me and find the people that did this. He replied in an incoherent way but I could see in his eyes that he was not going to hurt me. And if there is one thing I learned it’s that if I’m supposed to be alive I will be and if not then I won’t be. I didn’t know what to expect. So here we are two men gone completely sideways with paranoia speeding down the shoulder of the highway in a giant fire-apple red convertible one screaming about god knows what and the other listening contentedly to the music blaring into the open air. If we hit a car hopefully the initial impact will move it because under no circumstances were we going to stop. We would play it by ear live day by day and do what we can to live. Twisted, loud, and fast. Good people.

Part 2
Paranoia and deceit in Las Vegas
As we were railing down the paved river a song titled “the end” sang by the doors came on. He fell silent. The beast next to me was completely absorbed in the song. After around thirty seconds of Jim Morrison’s hypnotic voice he began shouting and waving about erratically. I was not unsettled, as this was common practice for us both at the time. But his incoherent gibberish became slurred speech and he was yelling about how the doors were responsible for the disappearances. He grabbed at the radio and flung above his head I jumped out of my seat and grabbed at it but it was useless. Its picture shrank and bounced as we left it. I resumed my place and held the wheel again. I was furious. I began yelling at him. “ That was our only music you psychotic scheming sound communist … “ Before I could finish my verbal onslaught he groped his pocket and took out the knife I was sure he borrowed straight from Satan himself. I reached for the closest thing and raised it threateningly. I looked up at the sour-apple lawn green fly swatter I had raised as if it were a crowbar. In the world of the rational this would have been a sorry sight. But we left the world of the rational back in the classroom. He could see that his hell’s knife was no match for heaven’s own fly swatter. It was obvious to him that I meant business and he lowered his knife. I carefully lowered the device of justice as well so as not to show weakness or hostility to the wild animal. The gas level was low so I decided to stop and refill the car. While waiting for the car to quench it’s thirst we decided it was best to go were there had to be people in the United States. We would go to Las Vegas. The land of hopes and crushed dreams.
When the gas tank had refilled we took off again as we had entered. Erratically swerving and squealing like a giant red pig being chased. On our way to Las Vegas we passed a hitchhiker on the side of the road. I frantically slammed on the brakes and backed up coming to a messy rest beside him. He was tall misshapen and skinny and a little green. He looked like an angel. We didn’t speak but only looked at him with giant eyes turned redder than the giant pig by the wind beating at them. Our mouths were locked open and we just stared at god’s work. I forget what I asked him but it must have offended him because he let out a terrible shriek. My accomplice and I jumped out of the opposite side of the car and hid until the screaming stopped. He was gone and all that was left was. A cactus? We slowly crawled and fumbled back into the car. I decided it was best to take of casually and slow so as not to invoke the wrath of the terrible cactus once again. After a mile or so I slammed on the excelerator and sped of in a cloud of dust and dirt. We drove not stopping for anything but gas and food until we got to Vegas. There was no one to be seen so we figured it would be best to stop at a place with noise extruding from it. When we walked in we saw many people lounging about and drinking like nothing had happened. My associate and I did not want another cactus incident so we tried to sneak up to the clerk at the desk staring at us with lifeless eyes. When we arrived at the desk I asked him a simple question and the conversation unraveled as follows.
“You run with the cactus?” The deskman replied “ Sorry sir I don’t know any cacti.” I trusted him though I don’t know why. “ Good then my name is amaretto and this is my friend the Jabberwocky.” Pointing to my friend. “ I realize we are young but we must have a suit”. He bent close and said “ young man are your parents around”.
My trust for him was gone. “What’s the score here, what’s next.” He hissed “ Sir if your parents aren’t here I am going to have to ask you to leave.” As big men in suits were pushing us out I managed to yell. “ God have mercy on you swine.” When the Jabberwocky and I exited we looked around. The streets were full with people mutilated and melting. Was I in hell had the big man in the suit killed me? I looked over to my only friend and enemy in the madness. He had turned into a horrible monster with giant teeth made of animals with giant teeth. I felt it hard to breathe and broke out into a cold sweat. The only other thing I remember is throwing up and passing out. I woke up strapped to a hospital bed. When I tried to move the nurse sitting next to me ran out of the room. Where was I, had this all been a dream? A doctor came running into the room and began asking me all kinds of questions. Where have I been, what do I remember, What year was it. I grew angry and yelled “ What is this a survey, where am I and who are you.” He said his name was Dr. Chesnia. And that I was found on a road somewhere in the Nevada desert with large amounts of a new genetic bread of lysergic acid diethylamide also known as LSD in my system. I told him I had never done LSD but it was obvious he didn’t believe me. He told me he was going to call the police. He left and I was alone to think. What had happened? What was real and what was fake? A man in a suit walked in and greeted me. He said I was free to go and it had all been a misunderstanding. I knew him from somewhere. He had sold me a bottle of water during class the day everyone disappeared. It had tasted strange but I was thirsty so I didn’t give it any thought. All I could think of at the time was a book I had read called the Acid Dreams where in the sixties the CIA gives LSD to civilians to test the effects.
Back at school someone said that five minuets after drinking the water I got up and ran screaming out of the class. I didn’t know what had happened and what didn’t but I knew I would never be the same. For the rest of my life I would be looking over my shoulder for men in suits selling bottles of water.

__________________
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
Hunter S. Thompson

Stacy

I like chapter 1, but chapter 2 leaves me just a little confused. I think the strength of chapter 1 is just that it shows us just how everyone reacts to a very bizarre disaster. It is interesting to see the narrator test out the world, try to see if there are people anywhere, then return to the classroom in defeat. Chapter 2, I have no idea what is going on.

Things I like: the use of the Doors song, the narrator heading to his house, the discussion about how to repopulate the world.

My biggest recommendation would be to slow down. This is all very rushed. Describe the scene, pause and try to get into your narrator's mind, try feel and see what he or she feeling and seeing. Also, I'd really like to see how the teacher reacts, especially to the narrator just leaving class. The teacher would be expected to be the logical one in the case of disaster, the man with the answers.

For example:
Once you add details, your story will be more easily visualized by the reader.

Raoul Duke

Hey thanks for the review.

__________________
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
Hunter S. Thompson

Logos

What a great concept! Chapter one is really strong, but I was also confused about chapter two. I'm guessing that chapter one was the assignment, and chapter two was added later by you, with the success of chapter one fresh in your mind. Chapter two seems rushed and not as refined as the preceding chapter. I also think you need a softer transition between the first and second chapters for such an abrupt change of setting (as I perceived it). I also didn't know where the school was located, naturally my mind gravitated to familiar surroundings, and Vegas is way the hell away from me, maybe thats why it seemed so abruprt.

Details would go so far to making this an even better story, I'll cite a few examples.

how did you go about setting the store on fire? what was the fire like?

the "we's" weaken your story, it's your character making assumptions about the rest of the characters, it's something that you (in the first person) can't possibly be sure of (unless you can read minds)

came on what? I personally have never heard the song, so citing a line or two that sets the mood for the chapter would go a long way

Definitely rewrite it, and identify the assumptions you make, I think you will find that it really improves the work.[/quote]

__________________
"I think, therefore I am confused"
-Robert Anton Wilson

BlackHoleEnvy

Chapter two is such a heinous act of plagiarism I am still suspended in disbelief.

How dare you?

__________________
...ARE BELONG TO US!

Logos

I cant believe I missed it, and I work in a video store.

What in gods name were you thinking?!

__________________
"I think, therefore I am confused"
-Robert Anton Wilson

seth

Jebus, that movie was pretty bad.

This story was okay, nothing mind-shattering I've got to say. There were a lot of grammatical and spelling errors that could be corrected, but aside from that it wasn't that bad.

Keep it up, keep working on your writing.

__________________
the red

Raoul Duke

Um I'm not sure how chapter two is plagerism. But thanks to the guy that gave me the suggestions and the other guy that gave me the review. But again not plagerism.

__________________
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
Hunter S. Thompson

seth

You might not know it, but that's really close to The Stand. You know, the book by Stephen King and movie by some idiot. The whole Vegas thing especially.

__________________
the red

BlackHoleEnvy

Let's forget the movie: Fear and Loathing... It is entertaining in its own right, but pales in comparison to the unbridled genius of the book. You have basically taken the first few chapters of Fear and Loathing and re-written them in bad-hack fashion. You've stolen everything from an argument over music and a knife-weilding lunatic, to the hitch-hiker thing. The fact that you are trying to pass this off as a collection of your own ideas is just...hideous. Sorry, dude, but it's one thing to be influenced by a writer, and quite another to rip him right off. Again: How dare you???

__________________
...ARE BELONG TO US!

Raoul Duke

Hold on dude. How dare you. How dare you accuse me of plegerism. How dare you judge me without even knowing me. In fear and loathing I don't remember the hitchiker turning into a cactus. And what was the argument over music. (Don't remember seriously may be wrong.) Now there was a knife wielding lunatic in both but you can't likely say I was copying from every slasher flick. Yes it is like the book undeniably but the book was my muse. Now all of the things you just accused me of... Hideous.

__________________
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
Hunter S. Thompson

Logos

__________________
"I think, therefore I am confused"
-Robert Anton Wilson

BlackHoleEnvy

Okay. So if I wrote a book called Lord of the Bracelets, and it was about a midget named Scroto Flaggins who has to travel to Mt. Death in Arkansas to destroy an evil bracelet, and then I tried to pass it off as a completely original work of fiction, claiming that I was only "influenced" by J.R.R. Tolkein.... Would this be a total rip-off?

__________________
...ARE BELONG TO US!

Logos

I'm not defending him, but thats real funny.

Anyway, Raol, you should rewrite chapter two, or at least change the sub-title. "Paranois and Deciet", come on now...

__________________
"I think, therefore I am confused"
-Robert Anton Wilson