Um...
quote from story:
''Nooooooooooo'' he yelled ''It's not fair!!!!!!!''
end quote
Emphasis is a bit exaggerated. Don't need so many exclamation points, and the 'o's for that long 'no' yell is just too much.
quote from story:
''Oh that'' she sighed.
''Tell me about it'' said Aron.
end quote
Usually whenever the character's dialogue ends when they're talking normally, don't you end it with a comma?
revised:
''Oh that,'' she sighed.
''Tell me about it,'' said Aron.
The bit about the warrior monks don't really make it sound as if they should be warrior monks. More of a special fighting academy of some kind. Think need a deeper look into the life of a monk. That is, the attitude doesn't seem to fit into the whole monk ideology methinks since I got this fix in my head of 'em being a sober lot at times.
[Keep your son writing. Will get better in time with practice.]
