eleutheromaniac

[disc:c2d5995544] some swearing, but serves artistic purpose, "s" and "f" words[/disc:c2d5995544]


Into the night, the train went on its way, and I know now that the feeling is mutual. In a way I’m glad, this was inevitable anyway, and at least we weren’t wasting our time, that’s the important thing. (Buzzzzzz) There it goes again, my blood is boiling. (Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) I stumble and reach for the railing. (Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) The railing moved, and it took me a couple of tries to catch the bastard. (BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ) I reach into my pocket and pull out the bottle, the pills rattle inside and their laughter echos in my ears. I plant my feet, readying myself to let go of the railing so that I can release my pain, but the bottle has jumped from my hands. The bottle breaks open and the gremlins start running. (heh he he he heh). “Get (BUZZZZZZ) back here!” I dive for one, but miss and fracture my jaw as my head bounces off the pavement. (BUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ) I lift my head, holding my jaw with my right hand, steadying myself with the left. I look around and see one, stuck in a crack in the foundation. I roll over and try to open my jaw enough to let the pill sink through. (BUZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz*)

~~~~~Art is a living, breathing animal, fed by tortured souls and loveless hearts. Its excrement is worshipped by the masses, while its fodder enjoys the slow ride into the lower intestine, where it will meet its demise. The question is often asked; “Does life imitate art; or does art imitate life?” Why it is assumed that one must imitate the other is truly disheartening. It is disheartening because imitation is what art and life are, not what they do. Imitating, replicating, mimicking: this is what life and art are all about, and what makes them so confounding to those who attempt to see them as anything else. Through imitation, life and art are created. Creation is the imitation of the impossible. To understand what is being thought by another, one must only feel what the other feels in consequence to the event of eternal recurrence. No one can understand one without the other, and together they offer sacrificial vices to naked priests. Knowledge, true knowledge, passes daily between the fingertips of chimps, my fondly forgotten Brothers of the Parasite Makers. from now on I renounce capital letters, and what the fuck are you going to do about it. art, truth, perception: illusion. can you feel me yet you unimaginable worm. give me your rich, your strong, your individual martyrs put on this earth for me - not you - ME!!! NOW, NOW, NOW. NOW I WILL USE ONLY CAPITAL LETTERS. HA HA HA, you fucker. NOW I WILL SWEAR: fuck fuck fuck. I WILL LAUGH, AND WHEN I AM DONE, I WILL NOT EXPLAIN WHAT IS SO GODDAMN FUNNY: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I’m sorry, where were we? Ah yes, the “train station.” Back to reality . . . I said back damn you! Back! Back! Back I say! “No . . . please . . . don’t! AAAHHHH!”~~~~~

When I awoke, my jaw was fine. The train station had disappeared and in its place was Main Street. I was laying on the sidewalk, in a pool of piss (hopefully my own) surrounded by the pills that had fallen out of their bottle. As I lifted my head, I saw a few coins that had been tossed on my chest, no doubt by passers-by who had felt a need to unburden their guilt, or maybe “guilt” isn’t the word? I brushed the coins off and looked for the bottle, which I soon discovered was still in my hand. One by one, I began picking up the pills and placed them in the bottle. I had lost approximately half of them to the piss, leaving just over a dozen usable pills to last me the rest of the month. I got up and went home to clean up. Most of the people that passed me on the street paid hardly any attention at all: they’ve all become accustomed to my daily antics.

After my shower-shave-shit ritual, I called Dr. Zoonenberg’s office, asking if I could have another prescription of the drug, the name of which is virtually unpronounceable and I will not waste the effort to write it here. The secretary said; “Sure Mr.******, just come on by and the good doctor will see you as soon as possible.”

Waiting in the good doctor’s office - patiently waiting - and nothing particularly . . . unusual is happening at the moment. So, rather than bore you with the particulars of the discolouration in the office’s wallpaper, I will instead use this time to fill in some of the blanks: my name is Mr.******, that’s with six asterisks. My mother is a gypsy princess and my father was a chiropractor. I’m insane. My dog’s name is Wilbur. I don’t know why exactly. I live on West 84th Street, near the Sokahoma buildings. My favourite meal is breakfast. I . . . oh damn, I just shit my pants again, the doctor is going to kill me. Oh well, shit happens I guess. I’d better go clean up, you wait right here, I’ll be back in a jiff.
“Mr. Asterisk?” asked the secretary/nurse.
“It’s Mr.******.” I answered.
“Sorry, Mr.******, The good doctor will see you now.”
“Thank you. I just need to go clean up first.”
He gave me a look, turned and left. I went to the washroom and cleaned up, then went to see Dr. Zoonenberg. “So, you need more pills, eh? What happened to the ones I just gave you two days ago?” Asked Dr. Zoonenberg.
“Well, ya see Dr. Zoonenberg, I kinda had a bit of an . . . “episode” last night, and I lost most of the pills. See?” I showed him the half-empty bottle.
“I see. Alright then.”, he scribbled on a piece of paper. “Here, take this to the laboratory and they will give you another prescription.”
I took the stairs down to the first floor, where the lab is located. (Buzzzzzzzzzzzz) “What now?” I said aloud. The railing slips from my grasp. (BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ) I tumble down the stairs, split my head open, and die shortly thereafter. (BUZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz*)

daniela

I always make an effort to start my comments off with something nice, so here it goes. You came up with a good concept for your story. There are several things that annoy me, though. While I understand the significance of the "(Buzzzzzz)", I just don't like it. That, however, is a matter of taste, and there are probably plenty of people who will disagree with me.

Another thing that doesn't work for me is your character's break from reality. Once again there are probably others who will disagree with me on this, but I would cut most of it. It feels like you are conducting a lecture, not telling a story. This section would be much stronger if you used fewer sentences to portray the inner turmoil of the character.

Now, as for the ending, I think you rushed it. Keep in mind a phrase that is really popular around here "show, don't tell". Having Mr.****** tell us that he fell down the stairs and died is not very creative. The rest of your story is very imaginative, so you should not let your reader down by flubbing the end.

I hope you don't find my words too harsh. There is great potential in your writing and I just want to see you do your best. I look forward to reading more from you.

--DM--

Edit: I just looked at "Augmented Reality" again and realized there are several other places where you should remember "show, don't tell". As this post is already too long, I am not going to list them, but I will say that your readers will not stick with you throughout the story if you just come out and tell them everything.

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"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain

eleutheromaniac

Thanks for the reply Daniela

He dies, but only for a few minutes. He is revived, where he is then assumed to have attempted suicide, and is hence sent to a psychiatric facility. This isn't the ending. I just wanted to make the connection between the pills and death. (BUUZZZZzzzzzz*)
The "lecture" part is intended to be just that. It's intended to give a haughty, superior air. Is it God? Is it Mr.******? Is it a flashback to someone giving a lecture to Mr.******? I leave it open to interpratation. There are only three paragraphs in my book that are like this, another one right after he dies (which perhaps I should've included), and one more later on. Also, you'll be glad to know this is the only part that uses (Buzzzzz). I'm not surprised you didn't like it, it's supposed to be annoying, like a fly in your ear. There would be something wrong with you if you did like it.
I really don't understand the "show don't tell" comment. If you're thinking that the inner turmoil of Mr.****** and his relationship with Dr. Zoonenberg are the central parts of the story, they're not. This is just surface junk. I wanted to make my surface junk more meaningful than most other books subtle messages. Think "Notes from Underground", or anything by Dostoevsky for that matter. For example, what do the pills represent, why does Mr.****** not have a name? Is it because he is a nobody, or is it because he represents everybody? Or do the six asterisks cover up "Mr. Christ"? Again, I leave it open to interpratation. There are about four levels of subtlety, depended on how experienced a reader you are and how much you know about philosophy, you may only uncover the first two levels, or none at all. So I really don't see how I'm telling anything. Think of this as a philosophical treatise set in a fictional story, a la "Thus Spake Zarathustra."
"Harsh"? If anything, you're too nice. Be brutal. I've had enough positive reinforcement to last me a lifetime. "too short"? I'm new here, but as far as I know there's no limit on how much you post. One thing I would like to know; did you laugh when reading this? I hope so, because this is the comic relief part of my book.
Note to readers: the narrative of this story is a cross between a journal and first-person narrative: Mr.****** reality has become so distorted, he doesn't know if he's living in the present or writting about the past.

daniela

I am sorry, but I did not find it funny, and yes, you should have posted the part that comes after. I just think that you chose the wrong section of your book to post here. As for the "show don't tell" comment, I thought that this was the end and that it was a horrible one. If you had posted the next section, maybe I would not have said what I did, but then again I might have. It is all depends on how well you wrote it. Your descriptions are very imaginative, but I think that you could have pushed them a little further. It seems like you were holding yourself back. As for the four different levels of subtlety, I am just going to have to take your word for it. You did not really post enough to suggest any more than one or two levels. The work should stand for itself and not need explanation.

I hope someone else will look at this and be able to see what I could not. Maybe they will prove that I do not know enough philosophy to get your work. When your book comes out, and I get a chance to read the whole thing, I might understand what you wrote better. It would be wrong of me to base my opinion just on this one section. That is all for now, I have to get back to my assignments.

--DM--


[ot:014c288e9a]I was wondering, what did you think of "Thus Spake Zarathustra"? I wanted to read it in middle school when we were studying the Nazis and the Holocaust, but the librarian wouldn't let me borrow it because she thought I was too young. So, do you think it would be worthwhile for me to go out and get it? I'm 22 now, so there won't be any nasty librarians to stop me. [/ot:014c288e9a]

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"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain

eleutheromaniac

Well I have to say, most people have said it was hilarious, but I guess you have to have a certain kind of humour to get it. Like did you get the opening sentence. It's intended to poke fun at every horribly cliched opening ever written; "Into the night, the train went on its way". I stopped just short of "Once upon a time." Most of my book is poking fun at traditional writting, but you have to pay attention to get it. Also, you have to assume I'm a good writer, making fun of bad writers, and not just another bad writer. And clearly, you're not playing along.
You're right, if this was the end it was a horrible one. But why would you assume death was the end?
I think the post does speak for itself. It's kind of like a Pollock painting: very few people can tell the difference between his paintings and ones painted by a chimp. But the ones that can tell the differeance are willing to pay $14 million for it (Pollock, not the chimp). Bet even some of the people who "get" Pollack still think he's a bit of a hack, ironically myself being one of those people. I will post more from my book, but not much, as it really should be read cover-to-cover. I just wanted to get a feel for my audience before I started marketing.
When I say levels of subtlety, what I mean is that I tried to write this novel so that everyone could appreciate it on some level, whether you understood everything or not. My hope was that someone like you would read it and, not fully understanding it, would then go out and read Nietzsche, Dostoevsky, Alinsky, etc. Then come back in a few years, read it again, and have a whole new appreciation for it. That was my goal, anyway. And the fact that you're asking me about "Thus Spake Zarathustra" shows that even if you didn't like, maybe I still achieved my goal.


I would suggest "Thus Spake Zarathustra" except that it's the most difficult of all of Nietzsche's works to decipher, which is probably why he was so horendously misinterprated by the Nazis. It's written almost entirely in aphoristic form, meaning each sentence has in-depth meaning, and you really have to pay attention (the same thing I attempted to accomplish with Augmented Reality, though no where near the same level as Nietzsche did) I know as much about Nietzsche's philosophy as almost anyone, and even I get lost sometimes when reading "Zarathustra." (It's almost like mere words couldn't contain his philosophy, and he was trying to explain astro-physics to cavemen. That's why he wrote "Beyond Good and Evil", which is basically a dumbed down version of "Zarathustra", and it's still pretty heady) I'd suggest starting with some of his lighter stuff, like "The Birth of Tragedy" or "The Anti-Christian" (or Anti-Christ depending on the translation. Christian and Christ are the same word in German.) By the way, I'm 22, too, and nasty "librarians" are ALWAYS going to try to stop you, if you get my meaning.

eleutheromaniac

This is how Augmented Reality starts.



It is painful to accept fully that one begins from where one is, that one must break free of the web of illusions one spins about life.
- Saul Alinsky




Prologue





These are mediocre times in which we are living: not particularly bad, certainly not great, just terribly mediocre in every possible respect. However, every generation must have its romantic figures, to give people dreams, to give people something to reach for. In many respects, mediocrity is what gives birth to dreams: when times are hard, people don’t have the time or energy to dream, and of course when times are good there is no need to dream. But there’s nothing like long, life-sucking rut of tranquil meandering to churn the imagination. Indeed, it is at times like these, when things are neither too good nor too bad, that the likes of Socrates and Sir Thomas More create quixotic battles that absolutely, incontrovertibly must be won at the cost of all humanity and morality. Yes, it is at times like these, when there are in fact no battles to be fought, that great wars are won. So where then is our vigilante of truth, our slayer of philosophic demons? Where is the mystical One who will have his turn at the beautifully egomaniacal utterance; “Forgive them lord, they know not what they do.” This, unfortunately, is for future generations to decide: very few romantic figures are romantic in their own time, just terribly mediocre in every possible respect . . .

daniela

If I had been able to read that first, I think the section you had posted would have made a lot more sense. Oh, well.

Congratulations on getting your book published, by the way. I think I might check it out. The beginning makes Augmented Reality seem much more interesting than I originally thought it would be.

--DM--

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"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain

Airborneguy

I won't comment on anything until I read the book. I am ordering Mitchell's on Pay Day and yours as soon as you tell me I can. I haven't read these types of books in awhile; I've been sticking with fast paced, adventure/action stuff. We'll see if I still have the knack for it...

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eleutheromaniac

I think most people are turned off by psyhcological/philosophical writing because it is too dry and boring (and I'm guessing this is why you no longer read them). That's why I tried to inject some humour and silliness into it. It's philosophical and yet at the same time it makes fun of philosophy (among other things). My only fear is that I may have been demanding too much of myself as a writer by attempting to make it artistic and funny at the same time. We'll see.

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Augmented Reality

Airborneguy

Its not that they are dry, its that try as I might, I actually reject most philosophy as the meandering mind of someone who has a lot of free time. I am just not interested in it, and frankly, do not believe most of it. Don't want to get into a big debate, but that's my opinion. But by no means does that mean I could never enjoy your book.

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eleutheromaniac

Isn't that pretty much what I said in the intro? "But there’s nothing like long, life-sucking rut of tranquil meandering to churn the imagination. Indeed, it is at times like these, when things are neither too good nor too bad, that the likes of Socrates and Sir Thomas More create quixotic battles that absolutely, incontrovertibly must be won at the cost of all humanity and morality."

This is not a reason to reject philosophy, though. In fact that line of thought is completely irrational. Philosophy is simply the examination of life: 'The unexamined life is not worth living.' What civilasation gave us was time, time to think and time to examine our lives. Time for philosophising.

So you're right, philosophy is the result of someone having too much time on their hands. But is this not better than the alternative? To simply accept things as they are, and leave them unexamined? This is all pretty much covered in the book, particularly in the end, which I obviously won't give away.

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Augmented Reality

greggb

Honestly, the only thing that stopped me from thinking this was just another blurb about death, despair, etc. was the part about the lowercase and uppercase letters. Better yet, let me put it this way: the part about lower and uppercase letters was the first thing I read that gave me any indication this wasn’t just an attempt to be really, really dark, or just recite philosophy. I did actually see something deep in that part.

After that part caught my attention, I started picking up on little parts in your story that I think show some depth.

That’s one of the parts that struck me… especially ‘maybe “guilt” isn’t the word?’

And after reading your story for the second time,
I have not the slightest idea what you’re getting at there, but I find it very intriguing.


I think the story is definitely deep. I think it’s too dark for the average reader, though. And I think there’s a little too much psychology for the average reader.

As to your BUZZing, when you lay it on your readers so early in the story it looks amateur. I hadn’t even read the first word in your story before I saw a bunch of your ‘buzzes’. I thought to myself, “Here’s a story where “buzz” is the best sound effect the author can come up with.” I’m not saying you shouldn’t use it, because it does serve the purpose of annoying your readers. But I don’t think you should use it until you have your readers’ full attention. I don’t think it should be any place your reader can even see it until you have his/her full attention, because more than likely they’ll see it and judge you by it.

Anyways, I think this is something that a certain few would enjoy reading. Again, I think it’s too dark for the average reader, but I get the feeling that doesn’t bother you. I’d say it’s a pretty well-written piece.

Gregg

eleutheromaniac

Thanks Gregg,

Given what you and Daniela have said, I think I may change the free preview section on my book (see Augmented Reality in the ads forum). But in a way, it is just a blurb. The work itself is very paradoxical in that sense. It's deep and yet it isn't (Taoism). I guess it all depends on what you think Mr.****** represents.

But this isn't the first section of the book, there is a prologue that proceeds.

Your absolutely right that this isn't a book for the average reader (if by average you mean the people who read John Grisham-type novels). When I set about writing this, I wanted to write something that I would like, first and foremost. But I really tried to make this a book that, even if you didn't catch the subtler meanings, you could still enjoy it on some level.

I think on my webpage (which will be up shortly) I'll throughly explain one section (maybe just a paragraph). I don't really want to do this though, as I want the reader to draw their own conclusions about the meaning and validity of the work. I'm still debating. I don't want to give anything away, as I think that reduces the effect when the reader figures it out for themselves, but at the same time I want to convince people of the validity of this work, so I can actually make some money. A tough decision, but I guess it's mine to make.

"I have not the slightest idea what you’re getting at there, but I find it very intriguing."

I guess you'll have to buy the book.

Thanks again for your (and everyone's) insights and opinions about the piece.

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Augmented Reality

Ozmandius

Hmm, very interesting. Your writing reeks of Dostoevsky like cheap perfume on a hooker. And that's not a bad thing. The Dostoevsky, I mean. Also it's interesting that you mentioned Taoism, as that was precisely the vibe I got from this- a sort of intelectualism that demands the absence of cogent thought. Which brings me to a new thought that perhaps you are aiming for a new philosophical paradigm; Marxist-Taoist Deconstructionist Existentialism, maybe?

At any rate it's a fascinating piece and I'm eager to read more of it. Seriously, email me. NOW.

As for the symbolism, I haven't quite decided yet how I want to interpret it. In point of fact I'd rather not even try until I read more. But I do agree with the others that the Buzz thing isn't having the effect you really want. I got that it was supposed to be annoying, but it's a little too much. It does work, but winds up being extraneous due to the length and presentation of the buzz. I would definately keep it, but tone it down so that the volume isn't as intrusive. You make your point with the first five or so letter of the buzz. Anything more than that is just overkill.

Also I wouldn't use this first part as a teaser. This is something that definately needs to come later. Stick with the prologue as it works far more effectively to draw the reader in and prepare them for the rest.

Oh yeah, I didn't get the humor either. Still worked in the story, but it just didn't make me laugh.

Oz

eleutheromaniac

Definately, Notes From Underground was one of the main inspirations. There were several influences, but the other main one was Cohen's "Beautiful Losers". I think once you read the book, you'll see the relationship.

"Marxist-Taoist Deconstructionist Existentialism, maybe?"

Something like that. I think I'm going to have to come up with a better name though, you know, something that'll fit on a marquee.

Unfortunatly there's nothing I can do about the buzz now. Maybe it is a little over the top, but I just went with my gut.

"Also I wouldn't use this first part as a teaser. This is something that definately needs to come later. Stick with the prologue as it works far more effectively to draw the reader in and prepare them for the rest."

That clinches it, I'm changing the teaser. Thanks.

"Oh yeah, I didn't get the humor either. Still worked in the story, but it just didn't make me laugh."

I guess it's a Canadian thing, then.

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Augmented Reality