My WONDERFUL fantasy story. Read it. - Writers Forum

StanzaDemon · 04-29-2004, 03:38 PM

Here's my book so far. Its a story that I've had for four years (the idea), and been typing different versions for for two years. This one I started very recently, so it's not very far. Here's some information about it:

All of the creatures whoes names you are not familiar with (skoats, antols ((the dear people))), were all my creation. I'm quite proud of them. I'm really proud of the whole story, of which only a tinsie tiny bit is writen here. I once wrote a version more than 100 pages long, and emailed it two my friend. It kept her interested that long. But back when I wrote that, it was more of a modern fantasy with TVs and cars. I decided I'd follow the path most fantasy writers took and placed it in ancient times. The ideas in here are sacred to me, and took a good four years to create. The series is called "Talon Rod" fittingly.

What I want to know is not the grammar or things like that, but the story itself. Did it keep your interest? Did you totally and completely hate it as a story idea? Was it too outlandish? Am I an idiot? If this was a published novel, would you even consider reading it? I don't want to know about how bad the vocabulary and sentance structer is, since this is a rough draft and every day I'm improving it some.

Thanks for your time, I know its probably a little long on here (11 computer pages.)

Quote:

“In the beginning there was blackness, nothingness. Then there was Arogass. He formed the sun with fire, the moon with ice, and the Earth with both. With a feather He created the first race of beings, the Talon Warriors. He bestowed upon them a rod shaped like a bird’s long leg, the talons clutching a clear diamond. With each of His feathers he created a new race, all which the Talon Warrior’s were commanded to protect with their rod. The Warriors asked Arogass why they would protect the others, why couldn’t He? Arogass told them that creation had taken too much out of him, and he would sleep for a long time. The Talon Warriors accepted their duty and protected the other races for many years.
“But all did not go well for the Warriors. They constantly faced creatures sinister and evil. They had not seen Arogass create these monstrosities, and began to believe that their God had created the evil creatures to destroy them. Some Warriors stayed loyal to Arogass, and war broke out between the different sides. The Warriors eventually killed each other completely, letting the evil creatures control the land. The other races became slaves. They forgot about better times, and the world tumbled into darkness.
“Then Arogass created six new beings while still in his slumber. They each controlled a part of land, and protect their designated area. They destroyed the evil creatures and returned peace to the world. Then, with their combined powers, created one new Talon Warrior. They cared for the baby and eventually handed the child over to a caring woman who promised to protect her baby. The six beings, called Guardians, warned the woman that one day, her child must leave her and receive the Talon Rod, the ancient Rod of the child’s people. The Guardians said that there was still evil in the world, and that the child must stop it from spreading; only the child alone could stop it completely. They woman understood, but she could not imagine loosing her child in such a way.”

Chapter 1

The woman, Hayl, was shy with everyone. She found that she was especially shy around her child, for reasons she dared not to speak of. She promised herself she would never mention to her child, Mia, how she was born or where she came from. Mia believed Hayl was her mother, and that was the way Hayl preferred it. Yet she knew she could not keep it a secret from Mia forever, and Mia started to figure out on her own that she was no ordinary child. Mia could lift more than a full-grown man, yet she had barely any muscle. She also found that she could sometimes, though rarely, move things just by thought alone, which Hayl assured was perfectly normal. Mia was a very trusting child, and knew that her mother could never be wrong.
Mia also found that her temperament was not like the other children’s. She’d explode with anger, or be nicer and more helpful than others had ever expected. She was also was known to be rude, and said whatever came to her mind first. Because of this, her friend Tan-Toe was very busy apologizing for Mia and trying hard to right her wrongs. Tan-Toe was very polite, kind, and always understanding, although these qualities went largely unnoticed because of his race. Tan-Toe was a skoat, which is a very small animal resembling a weasel or ferret. Their bodies are no more than four inches high, and very thin with an arched back and squat limbs. His body was white with black lines up and down his back, and a thin black line behind each of his eyes. He had black legs and arms and a black tail tip and black ears. The only part of him that was not black or white were his miss-colored paws, which were a tan instead of the normal black.
Skoats were not usually considered polite or kind, and Tan-Toe was looked at as an animal and nothing more. Even though skoats are capable of speech, some would say, it does not mean that they are capable of intelligent thinking. Tan-Toe chose to ignore these comments and always did what he thought was right. Mia would tell him he was silly to be kind to people who were not kind to him, and Tan-Toe often pointed out that that was what was wrong with Mia. She’d make accusations about people before getting to know them. Mia only rolled her eyes at him and let Tan-Toe say what he pleased.
Hayl began to worry that Tan-Toe would tell Mia who she was. Hayl never bothered to talk to the skoat, but she knew he was intelligent and saw that Mia was no ordinary child. In fact, he had pointed this out to Mia many times, only to get the same response from her: “Mom said its normal, and she knows more than you.”
---
One day Hayl was feeling apprehensive. She knew something bad was going to happen, but she wasn’t sure what. There came a knock at the door, and Mia rushed to get it before Hayl could act. A stranger stood in the doorway, holding a scroll and a long, wooden box with beautifully engraved pictures of sleeping Arogass. The stranger was an antol, which were people half deer, half human. He handed the box to Mia, who stared at the antol boy stunned. He was only a little older than her, yet looked more important than any grownup she had seen. He wore a burgundy rode and had a thick golden collar on. He had a single earring on one of his long, pointed ears, and had deep green eyes that looked stern, yet gentle. He broke Mia’s thoughts when he cleared his throat and unrolled the scroll.
Hayl ran up next to Mia. Her heart started thumping against her chest when she saw the antol’s garb. He was dressed in the colors of the Guardians, and the box Mia was holding tightly was engraved with Guardian runes. Her thoughts become jumbled and she listened, disbelieving, when the antol told Mia the Guardians had summoned her. Mia’s face wore a look of complete joy and amazement. Hayl stared coldly at the antol, then at the box, then the scroll.
“No,” she said defiantly. “Mia will not leave this house.”
The antol and Mia looked at her. Mia lost her smile and looked almost angry. The antol stayed calm.
“Ma’am, Mia must come with me. It is an order by the Guardians,” he started, but Hayl shook her head.
“No, I will not allow this.”
“Mom!” Mia stomped her foot. Tan-Toe, who had been on Mia’s shoulder absorbing everything in with wonder, tried to calm her down. But Mia’s eyes locked angrily with her mother’s.
“Mia, you can’t go. I won’t let you just walk out with a stranger,” Hayl reached for the box Mia was clutching.
Mia didn’t hesitate to slap her mother’s hand. Hayl was stunned for a second, and then gave Mia a pleading look. “Mia…”
“Mother, I can go where I want. The Guardians have summoned me, and this is not an experience I will let you hold me back from. Sir,” Mia turned to the antol, “how will I get to the Guardians?”
The antol looked at Mia unsure, then at Hayl. “I have brought a Pegasus for you to ride. I will go get it.” The antol turned around and went behind the house.
Mia turned to her mother. “Why won’t you let me go? It’s obviously for something good.”
“No, it’s not, Mia,” Hayl sighed. She started to say something, but the antol returned leading a wonderful silver-winged Pegasus. It was a white horse dappled with grey, and a wonderful white mane and tail. He looked regal, and held his head with pride. His eyes were a black so deep, Mia felt her heart stop when she looked at them. She squealed in excitement and ran to the horse. The antol helped her up, and put the box in a bag that he then tied around the horse’s back. Mia looked at her mom, who was crying. She felt a quick pang of guilt, but quickly shook her head. Her mom was always protective, and Mia knew she had to go, no matter what her mother thought.
“Don’t I need to pack?” Mia asked, “The Guardians are not close by. Don’t I need food and clothing?”
“Do not worry about that. Your horse is fast and knows the way. I’ll meet you at the Guardian Temple when the sun is at the horizon,” the antol fingered a small ball. He tossed it on the ground, and in a flash of light, he was gone.
Before Mia had time to think about what the antol did, the Pegasus had lifted itself off the ground. It was only a few feet, but Mia fell forward and clutched the horse’s neck. His humongous wings started flapping, blowing dirt up from the ground. Then the horse flew strait up with such speed and power, Mia released a scream. She shut her eyes and felt her body move up further and further into the sky.
---
Hayl watched from her window. The Guardians had warned her, but Hayl wasn’t ready. Mia wasn’t ready, she told herself. In just a few minutes, after a fruitless battle, her Mia was out of sight; somewhere in the sky on the back of a strange horse that was being led by nothing. Everything Hayl had loved had been carried away so quickly.
Mia opened her eyes slowly. Had the horse stopped moving? She looked around and saw that the sun was considerably lower in the sky, and the Pegasus was flying so smooth and strait that it would be impossible to tell the horse was moving if it wasn’t for the clouds passing by. Tan-Toe was on the horse’s head, acting like a lookout for a ship. She looked back at the sun. She had left in the morning, and it was quickly approaching evening time.
“Ah, you’re awake,” Tan-Toe observed, and slid down the horse’s neck.
Mia positioned herself, and let go of the horse, but immediately found that balancing herself was no easy task and fell forward again. Tan-Toe scurried back up the horse before Mia’s body hit him.
“Have we really been flying this long?” Mia asked with a shaky voice.
“Yup. You fainted, or fell asleep. I was worried, but Zeus here told me you’d be fine,” Tan-Toe nodded back at the horse, who stayed looking forward, but seemed to be almost smiling to itself.
“Zeus? That’s his name? Did you talk to him?” Mia asked all at once.
“Yes, his name is Zeus. Yes, I did talk to him. I can speak Pegasus just as well as the next skoat, thank you,” Tan-Toe started grooming himself.
She had forgotten that skoats could produce a number of sounds, including a horse’s neigh. But since when could he actually make words with horse sounds?
Mia eventually forced herself to look down. She could see the houses and farms and lakes and rivers all together for the first time. Everything seemed so small and had a simple beauty. Yet she didn’t see any sign of the Guardian’s Temple. She didn’t know what it looked like, but she assumed there wouldn’t be many houses and farms by it, and that it would be large and wonderful. Perhaps it was alone in the most pristine of fields, or hidden in a huge garden. Maybe it was in the sky, even. Mia thought about the latter, and looked forward past Zeus’s head as best she could, but saw no sign of a temple, or any building for that matter.
“Ask Zeus where the Temple is,” she said to Tan-Toe.
He nodded and started producing an array of horse whinnies and bird songs. The Pegasus responded with a short trill and a powerful neigh. Mia had not expected bird sounds, but thought it just as well because she was on a horse with bird wings.
“Zeus tells me that the Temple is only an hour’s distance,” Tan-Toe said.
Mia then remembered the box the antol had handed her. She carefully turned around and looked at it. It was in a leather pouch as long as the horse’s back’s width was. It had golden runes embroidered on it, though they were unreadable to Mia. She recognized them as the same ones on the wooden box. What did they mean?
She reached for it without thinking, but stopped herself. For some reason, she thought it’d be best to leave it alone and learn what it was when the time came. For the rest of the hour, she considered taking it from its pouch, only to back down again.
---
Mia saw that the houses and farms did indeed disappear as they approached the Temple. There was a golden gate surrounding the marble building, and it appeared that there was no door to the gate. Zeus lowered itself slowly into the yard in front of the Temple. The building was large and as regal as Zeus was. It had columns in the front and a large circular body. Mia slid off her horse and walked towards the building in awe.
Suddenly, in front of her, the antol appeared again in a flash of light.
“Perfect timing,” he said with a smile.
He walked forward and unattached the bag from Zeus’s back. Then he took the box out and handed it to Mia. This time, she didn’t hesitate to take it.
“What’s in here?” she asked, pointing to the box.
“You’ll find out. Don’t try to open it,” the antol walked ahead of her.
Quickly, Mia examined the box. There was no way to open it.
She caught up with the antol and looked him over. He still looked the same as he had earlier.
“What’s your name?” she demanded.
“Tokito. But feel free to call me Toko,” he said plainly. “Who’s your friend there?”
Mia looked at Tan-Toe, who was perched on her shoulder as he always seemed to be. “Tan-Toe. He’s a skoat, and I’ve been friends with him since I was a toddler.” Toko smiled again and continued walking.
“Why did the Guardians call me here?” she asked.
“You’ll find out.”
“Why’d they send you?”
“You’ll find that out, as well. Patience, Mia.”
The three came to two giant doors. There were not steps, which Mia found unusual. They had golden handles and were a marble, just like the rest of the building. Toko pulled one door open and let Mia pass him. She looked around at the hall she had just entered. There were exquisite paintings of the Guardians lining it. There was one of a beautiful girl surrounded in flowers; one of a sweet looking little girl with helmet on that had wings; one of an angry looking boy with a flaming background; another of a girl who seemed unhappy and had a glacier in her background; one of a large man on a mountain; and one of some creature who looked like a person made out of water. Mia looked forward and almost yelled when the girl from the first picture was in front of her. She looked a lot older than her picture, and was wearing a tunic and had flowers in her hair and tucked in her sash.
“Hello, Mia,” the woman bowed. Mia watched as Toko did the same, and Tan-Toe curled his tail, the skoat’s equivalent of a bow. Mia mimicked them and bowed as well, which made the woman laugh. “I was bowing to you. No need to bow back. Come with me.”
Mia followed the woman through the long hall to the circular middle of the building. There were columns all around them, and just past the columns were six hallways.
“I am Zona, the Guardian of the Woods and Forest. This is my assistant Tokito, who will be yours on your journey,” the woman said, pointing to a blushing Toko. “Place your box here.”
Mia saw that Zona was standing in front of a small pedestal. Mia walked forward, her clogs clacking on the marble floor and echoing through the halls. She placed her box on it, and it fit perfectly.
“What’s in that box,” Mia asked Zona, hoping for an answer from her.
Zona’s lip curled up on one side into a smile and walked to one of the hallways, ignoring the question. Mia thought she saw Zona wink, but she wasn’t sure.
For a good length of time, Mia explored the main room of the building. There were carvings on the columns and walls. Again, runes like the one on the box and pouch were repeated, and Mia felt her stomach turn in frustration. What did they mean?
Zona returned with a crowd of five others, all mimics of the paintings from the hall. The small girl with the winged helmet ran to Mia and hugged her.
“Mia! It’s been so long!” the girl squealed and tightened her grip. Mia almost pushed her away, but thought it best not to, since she was a Guardian.
They all started introducing themselves to Mia. First was the little girl, who said her name was Sora and she was the Guardian of the sky and all things that flew. Sora was younger looking than Mia, and had strait brown hair and kind blue eyes. She wore a dress that was covered in creases and was much too big for Sora. It bunched up on the ground and the sleeves covered her hands.
The next Guardian was Fira, the unhappy girl from the painting who had an ice background. Fira looked kinder in person, though Mia thought to herself that Fira would be icy when she got to know her. Fira had white hair, though she appeared only a little older than Mia. She wore an aqua-blue dress with white triangles on it, and had grey-blue eyes. She was the Guardian of the north and south, lands of ice and snow.
After Fira came her counterpart Fyro, who was the unkind looking boy with background of fire in the painting. He had spiky red hair and deep black eyes. He wore black and red shirt and pants, and had a red cape on. Unlike Fira, though, he was not afraid to be mean, and acted like he was being forced to say hello. Guardian of places like volcanoes and deserts, he said after his name, and then he stopped talking altogether.
Tock introduced himself next. He was the large man from the painting, though he looked very little like a man in person. He looked more like a mountain ogre, with tan skin and bulging muscles. His small, flat forehead covered up his eyes, which were too deep set in his head to see anyway. His mouth was wide and he spoke slowly, though watching him speak was strange. He looked like he had been carved out of rock, and watching rocks speak was odd, to say the least. Tock was a predicable Guardian: mountains and other rocky places.
The last was Aqual, who was the water-person. Mia’s best guess was that Aqual was a female, though it would be impossible to tell. She had “hair” like thin sheets of water, and thin sheets of water also hung off her arms. Her eyes were the only part of her that was not water. They glowed white and looked like half circles, sad and mournful. She spoke musically and her voice seemed to echo inside her gelatinous body. She didn’t say much, which Mia found disappointing, since her voice was soothing and melodic. Guardian of the ocean, Aqual said plainly.
Mia felt awkward after all greetings were done. For a few seconds, which seemed like an eternity to Mia, everyone was staring at her. She felt light headed and shy for the first time, but it quickly passed. Much to Mia’s delight, it was time to deal with the matters of the mysterious box.
They crowded around it, and Sora spoke to Mia first.
“This is the box of your ancestors, Mia. We’ve called you here to day to open it and reveal to you your identity and fate.”
Mia looked at the box oddly. Her identity? She was Mia Ito, daughter of Hayl Ito.
“Place your hand on the box,” came Fira’s voice.
Mia did so, and then runes and engraves began to glow a light blue. Mia almost removed her hand, but heard vaguely someone telling her not too. Suddenly, voices filled the room. Voices calling out angrily, voices softly praying, voices pleading for something Mia could not make out. She kept her hand firmly on the box, though she continuously repeated for herself to take it off. Then the voices disappeared and a loud, overpowering noise filled her ears. It was like all the elements combined: winds blowing harshly, ice cracking, fire burning, rocks falling, ocean waters roaring, and a massacre of forest animal noises. Quickly, all became quiet and Mia’s hand came off the box as if by its own will. She forced her eyes open and looked down at the accursed piece of wood. The runes still glowed blue, but this time a thin line of blue came out from the box, indicating a lid of some sort.
“Remove the lid,” Zona said softly, though her voice made Mia’s head hurt after so many other noises.
She looked around. The figures of the other Guardians loomed over the box in the sudden darkness of the room. Mia realized that the torches that had been keeping the room lit were all out; all but one of them, one that burnt in the same shade of blue as the runes shown in. Mia placed her hands back on the box and lifted. Surely enough, the new lid lifted off and a bright blue light came from inside, then faded quickly along with the glowing runes and engravings. Inside the box, on velvet blue lining, was a rod. A rod shaped like a long bird’s leg, the talon’s clutching a clear diamond. Tan-Toe, who had remained silent except during the introductions, let out a gasp.
Mia, this time with her own will, reached inside the box and pulled the rod out. It was a light as a feather, though it appeared heavy. It was cold and hard, yet Mia found she had some connection to it. It felt good in her hands, it felt right.
Soon, Fyro relit the torches and the room was as bright as daytime again. Mia sat in a chair Sora had brought her and held her new rod. Tan-Toe seemed to have the words knocked out of him, and the Guardians kept giving him strange looks, as if they didn’t want him to say anything. Mia wondered why, but was occupied by her rod too much to care. There was something about it she couldn’t quite put her finger on, but she didn’t want to leave it. Toko came to Mia and looked down at the rod simply.
“It’s a good piece of work, isn’t it?” he asked, trying to make the first attempt of verbal communication since Mia had opened the box. Mia seemed a little dazed, and confused by the broken silence.
“Hmm? What? Oh, yes. It’s a fine wand, or rod. What’s is it for?” she asked, fingering the groves in it that were the bird’s scales.
Toko didn’t answer her question, but continued to talk, “That was quite the ceremony, huh? I must say, I never saw a box glow like that before.” He laughed, but stopped as soon as he saw that Mia wasn’t listening to him. He gave her a disappointed look and left to go help Zona with something.
Mia held the rod out in front of her, and wrote her name in the air with it. It dropped from her hand, and for a spilt second, Mia panicked. Then, amazingly, it appeared right back in her hand again, as if it never fell. Zona rushed over to Mia when she saw this, but didn’t say anything.
“Mia, come with me, please,” Zona said. Mia got up obediently and followed the woman through the main hall again. They came to the door that led outside, but instead of opening it, Zona started humming. Mia heard a low sound, like someone stirring a thick liquid, and saw that the door was bending and turning and changing shape quickly. It appeared suddenly as a wooden door with brass handles and small windows in it. Zona opened it as if nothing happened, and Mia forced herself to think little of it, since it wasn’t any stranger than the other happenings of late.
They came into a room that looked like some sort of meeting room. There were chairs in rows, and a large podium in the front. Flags of the six regions lined the back wall, and the Guardian’s associated with them stood in front. Toko was at the door and led Mia to her seat.
“Mia, we’ve called you here to discuss you’re future,” Fyro said.
Mia sat down and waited as Zona went to her flag.
“You are not Mia Ito, daughter of Hayl,” Sora said calmly, “We gave Hayl the duty of being your mother because we chose for you to grow up in a normal atmosphere. That, we knew, would help you with the task ahead. You, Mia Ito, are the last of the Talon Warriors. We used the feather of the Warriors and our combined powers to create you. The rod you hold in your hand is the Talon Rod, the magic rod which borrows the powers of the elements.”
Create her? Her mother wasn’t Hayl? Mia stood up, “I don’t believe I understand fully. I was made from a feather and magic?”
“Not just a feather and magic. We used the feather Arogass had used, and the magic He had used as well. Talon Warriors were created to stop the evil Arogass had created from nightmares,” Fira tried to explain, but Mia wore a look of complete bafflement.
“Look, stupid girl, you aren’t the daughter of Hayl. Didn’t you ever once think it strange that you had no father? We created you the same was Arogass created the first Warriors. They were created to stop the nightmare creatures He had made by accident in his dreams. Unfortunately, the Warriors had a war between themselves and killed each other. That left the evil alive and able to control the world. When we tried to stop it, we found we could only fight it back. The rod you hold in your hands only you can use, and it is the only thing that can stop evil completely. Do you get it or is your skull to thick for it to get through? You were made by God’s tail feather, which had the most potent magic in existence in it. He used it to make the Talon Warriors. We used it to make you. Get it?” Fyro burst out. Mia nodded. She was beginning to understand.
Mia suddenly found herself falling asleep, and cocked her head up to look out the room’s single window. It was still night out, though Mia judged it wouldn’t be so much longer. Zona went to the door again and made it change just as it had before. This time it morphed to a light blue door with a childish painting of Arogass on it. Toko led Mia into the room, and she was excited to see that it was a bedroom. Fira produced a nightgown from a drawer and soon Mia was in the bed about the blow her candle out.
“Do you understand any of this?” Mia asked Tan-Toe sleepily.
The skoat, who was on Mia’s chest, perked his ears but didn’t move from his curled up position. After a while he answered softly, “Yes, and no. It all sounds strange, but it also makes sense in a way. Let’s talk about it in the morning.”
Mia didn’t want to wait that long. “Have you ever heard of the Talon Rod?”
Tan-Toe buried his head deeper into his fur, “Go to sleep, Mia.”
“And what ‘evil creatures’? I haven’t ever seen anything evil. Well, I have. Ms. Errog’n is an evil creature, but I don’t know if any magic force can stop here,” Mia laughed at her attempt at a joke, but Tan-Toe obviously found it offensive.
“Mia, you are so rude! Ms. Errog’n isn’t evil, and if she is to you, I wonder why,” he said sarcastically.
Mia shrugged and blew out the candle. She fell asleep immediately after, and had an odd dream.
She first heard the sound of swords clanking and hitting against each other. There were yells and screams, as if a war was being fought. “For Arogass!” voices yelled and shouted. “He’s trying to destroy us,” the harsh response came. Then Mia found herself in the middle of a battle. It was vague, and red was the primary color. Then all was silent and Mia saw just a feather. It was a beautiful one, longer than a full-grown man. It looked as if covered in fine dew, but when Mia reached out to touch it, the dew crystallized and covered the feather. Then the ice-like formations covered everything around Mia except the sky, which resembled the northern lights. The colors shone on the ice in a dazzling show.
She yawned and sat up, causing Tan-Toe to fall off of her chest and land in her lap. He woke up shortly after, not to happy about it. But that was usually their morning routine; so Tan-Toe didn’t bother to waste his breath complaining. Mia thought about her dream, but the more she did, the more the images faded. Then it seemed to disappear from her memory altogether, and, though disappointed, Mia knew there was nothing she could do. After getting ready, Mia looked at the door.
“What’ll you think will happen if I open it?” Mia asked Tan-Toe, who was on her shoulder once again.
“I assume you’ll end up in that hallway with the paintings again. Why?”
“That wasn’t where I came from. I came to here from the meeting room. What if I end up there?” she looked worried, a look she rarely wore. Tan-Toe noticed it and gave her a queer look.
“Usually you’re the one who wants to take chances. Is something wrong?” he asked.