Invasion (Working Title) - Writers Forum

GreatWasabi · 04-28-2004, 12:12 PM

Well, I figured I should post some work here. Here's the premise to a story that has taken up all my thoughts and imagination for quite some tiem now.

It's kind of vague, but I'm working on it...

INVASION

2157 AD- The event history calls "The Apocalyse" occurs. In less than
one
minute, the human race nearly exterminated itself in the most furious
nuclear war ever known.

2478 AD- Three hundred and twenty-one years and three alien races
later,
Man has rebuilt his empire from the ashes of the Old World, and had
finally
"gotten his act together". No longer a meglomaniacal, conceited
conquerer,
humanity is a protector of the universe, sworn to defend the right to
be of
all peaceful beings. Led and guarded by the famous Alliance Military,
Man
is one of the most feared races in the universe, and he stands watch
over
it.

And then it happened. They arrived without warning, killing everything
in
their path, and slaughtering all life, not just human, beyond New
Earth.
They are the Seranids; a vicious, bloodthirsty alien species whose sole
mission in life is to annihilate every other living being in the
universe.
Unfortunately for them, they have found a great enemy in the race of
Man,
who is now hungry for vengeance...

Driven by rage for the wrongs done him by these invaders, propelled by
his
righteous mission, and armed with a incredible will to survive, Man
sets off
to battle this newfound foe. He will not only face the Seranids on his
own
planet, but on theirs as well, half a universe away.

However, there is more to this war than meets the eye. It will become a
war between the greatest good and the greatest evil, where Humanity and
the
Seranids are but mere pawns in a battle that will decide the fate of
all
existence...

Stupid word wrap.

Flotsam · 04-29-2004, 12:28 AM

Sounds OK, the one thing I have is the, "aliens who want to kill everything". Give them a more compelling reason for wanting to kill everything. Maybe they are competing for resources? Competing for space? Maybe the aliens want to enslave a race, and the humans want to stop it? Just because doesn't fly good any more.

Besides that, it sounds interesting.

GreatWasabi · 04-29-2004, 12:09 PM

I know it sounds stereotypical at first, but there are much deeper reasons for the Seranids wanted to have man out of the way. And it gets considerably more interesting. I'll dig up some exerpts I wrote.

Sharaz Jek · 04-29-2004, 12:22 PM

Going purely on the outline, it could use a twist. So far, no offense, but it seems incredibly cliche'd and underdeveloped. Maybe you should give us some more information to work with? Alien invasion stories and themes of humanity being corrupt is pretty easy to come by. Actually, I thik it would be nice to see humanity portrayed in a better light for once.

Kitten Courna · 04-29-2004, 12:26 PM

Sounds alright. It needs to have some pretty compelling secrets for it to be any different than any other invasion story. The fact that moral battles will be present rather than just implied is a good step, but not enough. Some of your names could use some updating too. The 'Alliance Military' is an old standby, as are calling the ruined earth the 'Old World' and the end of the world 'Apocalypse'(but let's face it, that's what it is...I mean...how can you rename the Apocalypse?).

There isn't enough here to give any sort of good review of the premise; put up some excerpts and you'll probably get some more helpful advice.

-Kitten

GreatWasabi · 04-29-2004, 01:34 PM

I know, but the Alliance Military is a term that is so rooted in the story now that I can't very well change it. Here's an exerpt...

An Exerpt From "Invasion"

NOTE: If you hate strong language, you might want to not read this. ^_^

Sergeant Riken stopped Ayane as she was about to leave the mess hall. He spun her around so she was facing him, and gave her hell. "What's your problem, private? You got some grudge against everyone allova sudden?" Ayane looked up at him defiantly. "You chauvinist pigs don't think a woman would be any good in the military." She pointed to herself. "I lost everthing when those alien bastards nuked Naganasankai. My mom, my dad, my brother and sister. I've got a score to settle with those slimy pusbags. And you guys are just making it harder. You can't accept that a woman is just as tough as you are, so you try to make my life even more difficult." Riken crossed his arms. "Yeah, well you don't need to be such a bitch about everything. This is the military. It's always been a man's life. The guys usually get chewed out worse than you. Get the stars out of your eyes. The reason you catch all this bullshit from the guys is because you make such a fuss out of everything. You keep acting like everyone's out to get you. I don't have a problem with you, dammit. I haven't had a problem with women in the military for years. Don't think you're so hard done by. If I was making your life hard on purpose, you'd be too miserable right now to be putting up this garbage." Ayane's stance softened. "We've all got a score to settle with the Seranids," continued Riken. "Some people have more of a reason than you, so get in line." Ayane felt tears welling up in her eyes. She was breaking. Everything was beginning to slowly whittle her away, and she wasn't sure that she could take much more. She thought she could take life in the military, but maybe she had been a bit overconfident. Riken sighed. "Go take a walk, clear your head. We ship out tomorrow." Ayane said nothing, and ran away into the night.

Tsuji was taking a walk around the base walls, trying to cool off after the sweltering heat of the barracks. He couldn't figure out why they were so warm. Someone probably left the thermostat on, he thought. As he approached the main gate, he could see a figure running towards him. As he stopped to see who it was, the figure crashed right into him, and he almost fell right over. "Oof!" The fuigure let out a cry as he struggled to keep his balance. "What's the big idea-" Tsuji said angrily, looking down to see the face of the culprit. He found himself looking at Ayane. Tears were streaming down her face, and she was sobbing uncontrollably. "Hey, what's wrong?" he said, and Ayane tried to run away from him, but he held her arms firmly. "What happened?" he said, concernedly.

Tsuji eased Ayane over to a group of empty ammunition boxes, and sat her down. She wiped her face with the back of her hand, but kept crying. Tsunji frowned, and looked around to make sure no one was watching them. "It's alright, I'm here. What happened?" Ayane continued to cry for a moment, and then she stopped enough to be coherent. "I-I can't take it anymore..." she sobbed. Tsuji raised an eyebrow. "Can't take what anymore?" She looked at him, and then looked away. "Everything. I should have never joined the Service. I can't do it. I'm just a woman, and I don't belong here. Some guy could have taken my place, and been a much better soldier than I am." Tsuji held her shoulders, and looked her straight in the eyes. "C'mon, you know as well as I do that you've come a long way from just being a regular person. I've never heard of any woman doing the things you have." Ayane looked at him sadly. "Like what? Be a big crybaby?" she said, sarcastically.
Tsuji smiled a little. "You've got better aim than any other woman I know. I bet no other woman's ever done the base obstacle course in thirty seconds flat." Ayane smiled weakly back at him, and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. "You're such a sweetheart. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did before. I never even gave you a chance to explain your side of the story." She looked up at the sky, where thousands of stars were twinkling. "Goddammit, I hate myself. I just wanted people to pay attention to me. I wanted people to see that a woman could be as good as any man. I guess I was wrong." Tsuji put his hand on her shoulder reassuringly. "I think you're pretty tough. You gave it your all, and you've more than impressed the whole platoon, maybe even the entire Service."

Ayane looked down, and her bottom lip trembled. "It's not just that," she whispered. "I can't take the sights, Tsuji. There's too much death. I can't bear to see any more people die. I've never seen so much blood...watching Deutshe die broke me." She began to cry again, and grabbed onto Tsuji firmly. "I don't want to die, Tsuji. I'm afraid. They'll kill us all. I wanna go home...I wanna go home and see mama..." She sobbed loudly, holding her head in her hands. "WHY DID SHE DIE?" Ayane screamed. "WHY DID THEY KILL HER?! WHY WON'T THEY JUST LEAVE US ALONE?! WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO THEM?!" She threw herself onto the ground, curling into a ball, and shaking terribly as she wept. Tsuji lept to his feet, and knelt beside her. "You have to get a grip Ayane!" he said, taking hold of her arms. "We can't leave! Desertion means court-martial, and you know that! They'll hang you as a traitor!" Ayane screamed again, and pounded her fists on his chest. "I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK THE SERVICE!!! FUCK THOSE ALIEN BASTARDS!!! I- " Tsuji shook her roughly. "STOP IT!!" he yelled, and Ayane fell silent, choking back her tears. Ayane pushed him away, and ran, far off into the night. "Wait!" Tsuji shouted. "Ayane!" But she was gone. Tsuji sat down on the grass, and stared blankly in the direction Ayane had run. "She's right," he whispered to himself. "The war is breaking us all. But what can we do?"