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Morning Routine
I know this doesn't really resemble fiction, but that was what I was going for. Eh.
She always laughed at my jokes. I can't think of any other girl, or even just anyone, that always laughed at my jokes. Even I sometimes wince when I realize what I had been saying. It's hard to believe that someone could understand, let alone laugh at my nonsensical blabber.
When she was around me, I wanted to talk. I didn't care what about, as long as there was a discourse between us. I always felt braver when she was near. I can't explain it. Maybe I just wanted to make her laugh to see her smile. I hated it when she smiled, because I knew anything after that moment would have to be a letdown. It was like I had reached some sort of a peak and had to suffer the climb down, pick in hand. That's why I always tried to think of something funny, so I could heave myself back up again. It was just a momentary victory though, because I don't think she ever took me seriously, because I never took anything seriously.
I could talk forever with her, to the point of fainting. If she had wanted to talk that long, I would've jumped at the chance to faint. She never did and I stayed conscious.
I guess it was a good thing.
I've tried not to regress, but I can't help it. I mean, if I had gotten too attached, I don't think I would be able to handle it now.
No. I don't think it was a good thing. I never got to tell her anything I really wanted to say. It was always at the tip of my tongue, but then she would start about how her hair stylist gave her a discount or something, and I would lose my nerve and reply with a comment about my barber. There were so many things I wanted to bring up, but I just never got the chance. Or I never took the chance. Either way, I wanted her to know.
I think if I had more time, I would've said something. Or I like to think I would have. She always talked about things that didn't matter, but they came into their own coming from her. I hung on every word like a noose, and didn't really realize their insignificance till I was more lucid. I usually thought about these things at night. It didn't help with my lack of sleep. But now I sleep soundly and I wish I had something to keep me up. Anything.
I hated those jokes. I can't believe I said them. I just wanted to keep talking to her and keep her interested. Why did I need to form myself into a clown just to keep her interested? I think all she ever wanted was just to keep herself entertained.
That's why she wouldn't stay with me and talk for hours and hours. I think she got bored, even when I tried. All I wanted was to see her smile. All I really wanted was to be near her. She was so selfish.
I am so glad she didn't know.
But I think she would have..
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