AngelsKry2

The rain was getting me soaked, but I didn’t care at this point. I was already drenched to the bone and my only desire was the feeling of the rain hitting my face and body. Lightning flew from the sky, lighting up the pathway that lead past a steep rock cliff, down a hill and finally to my house. I counted the seconds to when the thunder shook the ground beneath me. I figured there was 9 miles from where I stood to where the lightning made its crevasse in the ground.

In the distance I saw the rock face of the mountain 1 mile from my house. If I keep at this pace, I should be able to get home in about an hour; maybe I’ll just stay out here for a while. I loved the rain, the feeling it gave me when it struck my face and ran down my neck, cooling off my body with a shudder. I loved it when my hair was dripping with the water, feeling it run over each and every crevasse and indent in my face. It was like being blessed from some unknown force, the magnificent cool feeling it gives me was my retreat from the world. Every nerve in my body was tingling with sensation as I reached my arms up to the sky and thanked God for giving me this time to just relax and enjoy the wonderful feelings I was experiencing.

I then started walking towards the precipice, and something shuffled behind me. I looked back, but saw nothing. Must be an animal of some sort. I picked up my pace and the shuffling behind me picked up also, when I stopped, it stopped.

“Who’s there?” I called to the forest, but nothing answered.

When I got home, I went for a hot shower to warm me up from the cold walk I’d just had. When I got out of the second blissful feeling I’d had that day, I made myself a hot chocolate and lounged on my easy chair. I flicked on the TV and flipped through the channels. When I couldn’t find anything, I decided to put in a DVD.

After the movie, I found it was getting difficult to keep my eyes open for very long, so I got myself ready for bed. When I got to my room, the only thing I heard was the tapping of the branches hitting my window and the wind howling like a coyote outside. It sent shivers up and down my spine and I couldn’t stop thinking of what had happened on his walk en route for home.

That night I dreamed of me walking home that day and the rustling started again. But this time when I looked back, there was a Muslim standing there with a gun. He asked me something in his language, but didn’t give me any time to even think of the question before he shot.

I woke up with a start. I sat bolt upright in my bed, drenched in cold sweat. This dream was just about like my other dreams, the Muslim shooting me after they ask something in their own language.

I decided to go and have some coffee and toast, get my day started as usual. The rain had stopped and now there was a beam of sunlight shining through the window, creating a shadow of a cross on the floor. I looked outside and he saw a rainbow forming in the early morning sky. The sky itself was cloudy and in the distance, up against the East Mountains, it was red. It’s going to rain today again. Good, then I can go for another walk.

I went outside to stretch, enjoying the warmth of the rising sun and the beautiful colors of the forest that sat right outside his house. I’d been painting a portrait of this scenery for a month now, but today I have to go to work.

I drove my Dodge 4X4 out of the forest he called home to the city streets of Dominion. A guy could use a change of scenery.

After I finished my full day’s work, I parked my truck outside the house and rolled up the windows so the rain wouldn’t get the seats wet. I started towards the cliff to where I first heard the noises to investigate the area a little bit. When the rain started; I started off to the beginning of the path so that I could get more time to walk in the rain.

Again, the blissful feeling of the rain pouring onto my hair, down my face and under my shirt wherever there was an opening otherwise drenching it. Today’s rain is colder than yesterday’s, but I didn’t care; the feeling!

Half way back to the cliff face, I heard the rustling again. When I stopped, it stopped, when I started again, so did it. I decided to try to lose the thing that was following me by dodging into the forest here and there, throwing rocks to far places so that it makes the sound of me running over there. But the thing persisted!

I then ran forward into a clearing in which I saw my pursuer. Tall, dark hair and he had a gun. Just like the man in my nightmare, it was like God had made a replica of my subconscious pursuer and turned him into reality. The rain poured over both of us as he raised his gun to me and told me to get on my knees.

I saw my life pass by my eyes, when I was a child learning to walk. Then when I learned to ride my bike for the very first time, my fear of going to school and then my fear of leaving school to live on my own. Going into collage for the first time and learning that freshmen do not fight with sophomores. Then my life here in this forest, the feeling of the rain was my blood and the sound of the thunder was my heartbeat. My picture, half done sitting in my room waiting for me to finish it. I couldn’t leave this all behind, these were my heart and joys, I’m not ready for the bliss of heaven, I haven’t even lived yet. Why now, why does this all have to happen now?

“Boy, open your eyes,” the dark man said with a nudge of the shotgun.

“Why do you follow me?” I asked shakily.

“It’s my job, kid. Get up.”

Again, my life passed before my eyes and I remembered all the fun that I had in the churches and the warnings my pastors gave all of us when they found out that the Muslims were coming. The things they told us when were faced with death inside those churches:

“Kids, remember the Lord. He is the only one that has the power over you, these humans can only kill you once, and God can kill you twice. Pray to Him to forgive your persecutors and He will give you a place in heaven.”

“Look at me!” The Muslim yelled at me and I smiled at him. “Why do you smile, when you know that I’m about to kill you?”

“Because I know that you are not doing this for the pleasure of it, you are following the laws of the idol king you represent.” I continued smiling.

“Do you believe in God?” The Muslim smiled slyly.

“Yes I believe in God.”

A gunshot was the last thing I heard.

__________________
~AngelsKry2

TimK

Hi, AngelsKry2.

'The rain was getting me soaked, but I didn’t care at this point.' From what happens later, it seems he doesn't care at all. The phrase at this point makes it sounds as if he cared before, but that because he's so soaked it doesn't matter anymore.

You sure like the word crevasse, don't you? Also, cliche alerts: 'Every nerve in my body,' 'sent shivers up and down my spine,' ' saw my life pass by my eyes.'

'I loved it when my hair was dripping...' I understood this, but I didn't identify with it.

'a Muslim standing there with a gun.' Okay, I know it's a dream, but how did he know the person holding the gun believed in Islam? 'He asked me something in his language...' Wouldn't that be English? Like Louis Farrakhan. (Yes, I'm being difficult. But these are the excuses that are going to occur to most readers as they read your prose.) There are a lot of details missing here, jarring me out of the conflict, making the story seem implausible. If you provided more details, making these things concrete, that would make the scene more realistic and less preachy. Or since this is a dream sequence, you could treat it as a strange element. In order to do that, you must introduce the strangeness gradually, at each step having the character react to it the way you want the reader to react, causing the reader to accept that bit of strangeness before you proceed to the next bit.

While the character is dreaming, does he know he's dreaming? If not, maybe the reader shouldn't either. (If he does know, why can't he direct his dream?)

Also, in the dream, when the gunman pulls the trigger, if you were to drag out that sequence, you could increase the tension. When the character wakes up, the reader should feel relieved.

'I went outside to stretch...' At this point, I lost the flow of the story. Is he going to work or going for a walk? If it's not raining, why isn't he painting? The change of tense in this paragraph doesn't help, either, as I don't know where when is.

' I drove my Dodge 4X4 out of the forest he called home to the city streets of Dominion.' Who calls the forest home? This is also quite a mouthful. I had to read it several times before I even understood how the clauses fit together.

'the warnings my pastors gave all of us when they found out that the Muslims were coming' This is another strange element. You need to introduce the warning itself earlier and have your character accept it. Otherwise, the reader will think you're just preaching at him. Introducing this part of the setting before the dream could help the reader to understand the dream as well.

You also must, must, must give your character a noble goal. Even something like just trying to live his own life and worship the way he wants. And you have to put an obstacle in the way of that goal, for example, a widespread fear of white-skinned Christians. Then the reader will identify with the character, and he'll even be able to make the leap to generalize the theme to any situation, even the current one in the U.S. (Is that what you wanted him to do?)

-TimK