JohnnyFive

Alright, well I thought the best way to actually get somewhere with a storyline for a game (since I actually rather need this before I can continue designing it) is to start writing it. Here is the beginning of the story, which I hope to use.

If any of you have suggestions, additions, or are willing to continue it in ANY direction, let me know (I have a feeling i'll need several stories all related to really have a finished product).

Ya, it's short. It's like that for a reason

So long, and thanks for all the fish...


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Exordium

Looking at him, I could feel nothing but sorrow. His face was contorted with pain, bits of his cheeks blown off. His arm broken, severed at the elbow. Both legs were cut deeply in several spots, metal still embedded where shrapnel had collided with his flesh. Through it all, this man had stood there, looking over the city as it was destroyed, showing neither agony nor happiness. A guardian of sorts, a symbol of prosperity. Now with the city gone, the man showed his age, haggard to the bone, now impoverished. The man's name was Turalis, the statue of Gibbon City. Now, he was the only remaining structure still standing for a hundred miles. The pain that showed on his face could only be a reflection of my own as I stared back at him. The pain of the war that had ensued just moments ago.
The deformed structure that lay to my side was ablaze, set with flames atleast fifty feet over it's peak. The building use to be a library, full of the knowledge of my people. Laying next to me were several books, some of notoriety, others infamous in their respective circles. I looked at one, labeled "Astro Physics of the 3rd Kind by Hon Minolt", then threw it in the fire before me, and bundled up tighter. I lay my head down and eyes closed, seeing the blackness that my eyelids caused; a swirl in front of me, images in my mind of the horrors I had witnessed flashing in and out. In my dreams I heard a young girl calling for help, running along the street. Shots were fired followed by a shrill scream, then all was quiet. A hummer rolled past with an oval tire, the rhythm of the rubber hitting the cement offbeat. A dog barked. A man screamed and footsteps were heard behind me, fast paced, running. The sun began to rise, a pulsating blue. A man lay next to me, shivering. The setting around me turned from fire into a dance club, the lights dancing just as the fire before it. The man running became a furious dancer, moving to the hard paced rhythm of the tire, a fast paced melody. Yes, my dreams were peaceful, for now.

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Looking for a creative partner/writer to make games with. Very involved, very laid back, very new. Interested?

Pawn

Wasn't it going to be a MMORPG? Surely you want to write a setting, rather than a tale.

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JohnnyFive

LOL, no, that's just it, I want to write a story, and have that be integrated into the game. I don't just want a "setting" that the game is based off of.

Wouldn't games be so much more encapturing if you were playing the story?

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Looking for a creative partner/writer to make games with. Very involved, very laid back, very new. Interested?

Pawn

The story would have to be infinite. If I was doing it, I'd create a rich world with no story whatsoever. Let the users write their own tales, interweaved with those of others. The few times i've played MMORPG, i've been irritated by the static nature of the story, i.e. it never bloody goes anywhere.

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Zimmar

Johnny, are you writing a Hardcopy RPG or a video game? In either case, I would think you have to be careful with the concept of “playing the story”, because if the players feel constricted by the story line to the point they can’t role play, then all you have is a shoot-em-up.

I like the imagery you have written, particularly the statue analogy of the overall damage caused by the war. But, I had to re-read it several times and I had to make assumptions. I will preface the below by saying I am not trying the “shred” your work, I am just making suggestions and asking questions.

First, it is only after the a close examination of the statue that we learn it is the only thing standing in this city. But after that, we learn that a much larger structure, the library, is burning furiously. The library should be the first thing we look at, because it dominates the scene and sets up the statue paragraph.

At first, I thought the statue was a real person. A statue’s face would not be contorted in pain, but you could say it seemed to be contorted in pain. This is where the fire from the library comes in. Assuming this is night time, you could mention the fire is reflecting off of the statute, like blood. This would reinforce your feelings of sorrow.

If you are close enough to a raging fire leaping fifty feet over the ruins of a building, you probably are not going to be cold.

What was the significance of the oval tire on the Hummer other than to set up the rhythm for the dream sequence? From a research standpoint, Hummers wouldn’t have oval tires, it is much more likely that a weapon capable of warping a rim on a Hummer would blow it off or leave just the rim. You could set up the same thing by stating you heard music coming from the Hummer.

I’m also confused as to what “World” this is. Projected future post-apocalyptic? Just another war? Why a blue sun?

Nazareth

a blue sun because on mars the sunsets are blue (Just discovered this with the mars rovers )