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Old 07-28-2003, 12:40 PM   #1
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Coni
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The Elements: The Power of Four: Prologue and Chapter 1

Title: The Power of Four
Author: Coni
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 4 teenagers must band togetehr as the Elements to destroy an evil.

Link: www.geocities.com/sparkle_green113/elements

The Prologue and Chapter 1 are done!
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Old 07-28-2003, 03:13 PM   #2
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Hello coni,

I have one question for you before i say my two cents on your story: Was this intentionally written to be a spin off of Harry Potter?

I really don't mean this in a mean way or nething so please don't take it that way...i,m just a huge harry potter and LOTR fan and after having read your first chapter i can already name off many things that come almost directly from the Harry potter books. Eg. Wizarding school and the names of some of the classes they attend, the Dark Arts teacher seams to be the Proffessor snape of your story and one of the biggest things i saw right away having read half of the first page was Chryta's position. Living with her non magical aunt and uncle beacuse her parents were said to have died in an accident on New years when she was veryy young... but really her parents were murdered by the "Dark Lord". I could go through the first harry potter book and give you page references to these. The headmaster also had halfmoon spectical...that is what practically gives Prof. Dumbledor his character and his lais-ez faire attitude. And you gave him purple robes i might add. Out side of all the obvoious things like these, i also found afew more subtle one such as the main characters best friend having a large family(you were ok till this point) then you threw in that there were twins.
If this was written to be based in a world very very similar to harry potter, then i think you have got something going.I like the idea of the Four elements, don't get me wrong, it's a good idea. I think you should go through it a few times though and try to take out nething that resembles other novels( in this case Harry Potter). I think it would just be that much better if you completly changed Chrysta's history...that kinda threw me off right away.
Anyhow that is what i though of your story. I think you have a nice writing style i just think that you should change some thins to make this story seem more your own peice of work. That is just my opinion though. Don't let me get you down...i've had my writing cut to epices sometimes. Don't give up stick withyour idea.
I have now payed my two cents
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Old 07-29-2003, 05:39 PM   #3
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hey there it's me agian...
I feel bad for saying the things i said in the above posts i'm sorry.
I still satand by what i said but i now think that i shouldn't have said them
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Old 08-03-2003, 02:33 PM   #4
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Very similar indeed, Gnomling. I just slogged through the prologue and first chapter. You do have a very good idea, Coni, but you can't let it be the only good idea you've got. The rest is far too similar to Harry Potter, and while that may not have been your intention, it's true. It's okay to get ideas from another work, or to base your work off of another one (within limits), but a lot of what you have is close to fanfiction. Take your idea and make your own world for it, because it is good enough on its own, and does not need the support of the Harry Potter framework.

Now, as for technical stuff. There were a few things that bothere me, especially in introduction and description. You've obviously got the drive to write complete, and lengthy chapters, which is very good. However, you can't simply introduce people by their hair color. As tempting as it is to shorten their descriptions, there just aren't enough hair colors to encompass humankind. With that in mind, it complicated matters that you introduced so many characters at once. I usually have a good mind for this sort of thing, but at a certain point I forgot your main character's name in mix. Just take your time, remember that you've got the entire book to get everyone out into the open. If you -are- looking to other sources for inspiration on that matter, then take notice of how they reserve characters. Your reader, and in fact, your main character, can only keep so much in mind at once, and though the temptation is get all the intros over with, its simply implausible that anyone could remember all that mess at once without careful re-reading.

Now, there's nothing wrong with your prose. In fact, it has great potential, if you'd just slow it down. Your prologue was good, but it moved just as fast as the rest of your piece, and an introduction must either be comprehensible and helpful in the beginning, or a mystery that is to be explained later. Try describing some scenery? Or perhaps, just put in some idle banter, or 'omniscient' observations of the characters. Though things might have been tense, that's no reason to keep your characters bottled in. Let readers get a feel for them, so that when things -do- happen, they will be sympathetic.

Not bad at all, but do keep yourself away from other author's works, and take your time(and don't worry, it's a common bit of advice, and nothing you can't get over).

-Kitten
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