TDX

this is something i finished recently. please let me know what you all think. feed back welcome and can be left on this thread.-TDX



The Wraith


Ever met a superhero? Would you really want to? People have this misconception about us. We fly, swoop, teleport, jump, whatever the case may be, in just in time to save the day, then we’re gone. That’s pretty much all people see. I think that’s all they want to see.

The truth is we’re just like you mostly, those of us that aren’t aliens, androids, or vengeful spirits returned from the grave that is. We have our good days and our bad days. Believe it or not we have times when we wished we’d never been given, born with, chosen by cosmic destiny, or accidentally received our abilities. In fact we often wish we were just like you: Normal.

My name is the Wraith. Don’t worry you’re not falling behind on the latest superhero gossip; I’m not all that famous. That’s the way I like it. Besides if you ever saw me you’d forget as soon as you we’re out of my presence unless I decided otherwise. I’ll describe myself to you though, in case we meet in a dark alley so you won’t wet yourself.

I’m six feet tall. My arms, chest and legs are a smoky mist color. My gloves and eyes are red and my boots are black. Finally, least I forget, I have a winged Wraith on my chest. Trust me you’ll know when, if, you ever see it.

What can I do? What makes me a superhero? Well first off I can fly with my black wings. Did I mention those? Anyway, like the name says I can also turn into a ghost and walk through walls and when I want, become totally invisible. That’s pretty much it. I’m also a decent street fighter and an excellent detective. I have to be. That’s my day job.

Well enough about me already. I guess you’re wondering if I have any villains I square off against all the time. Thankfully no. So far when I stop somebody they stay stopped. I guess its because I threaten them. Then I periodically visit them in prison just to let them know I’m still watching. It’s a bit time consuming but its effective.

What I really wanted to talk to you about was the day I almost stopped being the Wraith, the day that changed me.

* * * * *

A riot down on Jefferson and Fifth Street is where we begin. I know it’s a mess of civilians and police. See if you can pick me out. You can’t? I’ll help you. I’m behind the police barricade next to the remains of a armored truck. I’m the handsome, thirty something male. Need another hint? I’m the only Afro-American there. I think I made it too easy for you.

* * * * *

“What’s this, three time this week?” Detective Williams (me) asked shouting to be heard over the crowd.

“Reports say it was Payday. He ripped the truck apart and spread money around in a three block radius.” Officer Davis replied. “He was shouting that the money belonged to the people.”

“A modern day Robin Hood.” Williams said. “Did any of the 'capes' engage him?”

“None of Gateway’s Masked Marvels responded.”

“Not even Sun Star…I mean Star Drive? I thought this was his neck of the woods.”

“Maybe he’s on vacation.”

“Like super heroes get vacations.” Williams said looking into the sky.

“Maybe they do.”

“So Payday got away clean again?”

“Looks like it. I hear the Feds are sending in somebody.”

“That can’t be good. When the Feds want something done in Gateway it can only mean one thing.”

* * * * * *


+Enter Authorization Code+

{XXXXX-XXXX-XXXX}

+Code Accepted+

+Message Decoding+

Good morning Crime Stalker. I trust you have kept abreast of the activities in Gateway. The FBI has relinquished control over the situation. It’s ours now to handle as we see fit. In short you have been given full dominion over the Payday encounter, up to and including terminal sanction. You have 48 hours to complete your task. You will, at the end of that time, return for a face to face.

Ronald Sinclair
Deputy Section Chief
Homeland Security.

* * * * * * *

I didn’t want to get involved but I had to. Reports said that Payday went out of his way to make sure nobody got hurt. My instincts told me he wasn’t more than a kid who’d gotten superpowers. As scary as that sounds, it happens quite often. You’d be surprised how many objects that can give persons abilities beyond those of mortal men actually exist.

But I digress. The Feds had activated Crime Stalker. I was sure of it. Why should I be so concerned? Crime Stalker was a nut job. His missions typically ended with the perp in a body bag. While most didn’t see that as a bad thing, I did. I may make criminals wish they were dead but I would never take a life. I had to find Payday before Crime Stalker did.

* * * * * * * *

The situation was a bloody mess. I’m not English so when I say bloody I mean it literally. Crime Stalker had crashed Payday’s hideout when I arrived. It’d taken me the better part of the night to find the place based on information I garnered from the streets. How Crime Stalker beat me to the punch I don’t know. I strongly suspected he was a cop just like yours truly.

There were the bodies of Payday’s crew all over the house but Payday and Crime Stalker where nowhere to be found. Did the kid manage to escape? Doubtful. If Crime Stalker let him go it was for a reason. To track him back to the source of his powers would be my guess.

I turn invisible and intangible and fly through the roof. I’m going to have to hustle to make up for lost time.

* * * * * * *

“Subject entering Lemmon Miles Jr. residence.” Crime Stalker said into his helmet recorder. “I strongly suspect that Miles is involved in the attacks on his families armored cars. Reason? Revenge. Sources report he had a falling out with Lemmon Miles Sr. They said Junior wanted to leave the company but Daddy wouldn’t let him and threatened to sue for breech of contract. It seems that Junior decided to ruin his father’s business to teach the old man a lesson.”

* * * * * * * *

“You said it would be fun and games!” Payday screamed slamming his ham-sized fists through the desk.

“Wasn’t it?” Lemmon asked. "Didn’t you enjoy your powers?”

“Yes.” Payday admitted. “But then that man came and started killing people. He killed all my friends.”

“Those people weren’t your friends.” Lemmon said. “I’m the only friend you have. Wasn’t I the one who hired you after your accident?”

“Yes sir.” Payday said.

“Those other people called you stupid and dumb but I told you that you were smart didn’t I?”

“Yes sir.”

“So why don’t you run along and get some new homeboys, find a new crib and get back to helping out your people by taking money from the armored cars.”

“Yes sir.”

“Good boy.”

“Does he fetch too?” Crime Stalker asked entering the room. “You two are under arrest. By order of Homeland Security.”

“Payday, get him!!”

****
Crime Stalker went to shoot Payday but I materialized and grabbed his arm.

“He’s just a kid.” I shout.

“Nonsense.” Crime Stalker said. “He’s a brain damaged punk.”

“And that makes it better?”

“Stay out of my way.” He said pushing me aside.

Payday hit Crime Stalker with a right cross that sent him flying through the wall. Then the kid turned his anger on me.

I went Wraith on him and his punches passes through me.

“Give up Payday.” I pleaded. “And let me take you to the police.”

“No police!” he shouted crashing through the doorway.

“Don’t go anywhere.” I said to Lemmon punching him in the face. I took a second to tie him up before heading after Payday and Crime Stalker.

When I found them Payday was shot in the leg with Crime Stalker standing over him. I do my thing and put my body between Payday and Crime Stalker.

“He’s a kid.” I say. “Mentally at least.”

“He’s a criminal who knew right from wrong.” Crime Stalker replies.

“That’s for the courts to decide.”

“No courts.” He says. “Not for him.”

“I can’t let you do this.”

“You plan to stop a special agent of the United States government?” he asks. “Just touching me is a felony, five to ten years. If you draw blood you’re looking at twenty-five to life. If you kill me, well lets just say I hope you are a visitor from another planet because this one won’t be safe for you anymore.”

What can I say? I know he’s right.

“But I’ll give you a chance to save this piece of trash.” He said. “I’m going to pull the trigger. If you really want to save his life don’t do your ghost thing. If you do he’s dead.”

“You Can’t.” I say.

“On the count of three.” He says “One, two….”

*****
What did I choose you ask. I’m telling you all this ain’t I? What do you think I did? When it comes down to it Superheroes aren’t that much different than you, we want to live. Sure some of us sacrifice ourselves for the greater good and all that but that’s mostly when we don’t have a choice.

Do you think I’m a coward now? That’s your prerogative. But let me tell you this. You never know what you will do until it happens. So until you’re gifted with super powers and are forced to choose between your life and that of a criminal…shut up.

__________________
"You must first learn to follow before you can lead Mr. Myles" -Dr. Lee from DRUMLINE

Kitten Courna

interesting, but Ic an't help but think it's more of a visual piece than a written one. Maybe you were going for a literary superhero as opposed to a comic book one, but what you have is a comic book one that needs pictures. Your portions are far to short to allow for epsodic fiction, and a little under elaborated for it. If you're going for first person limited, either go for more explanation, such as setting(which you'll need to explain even if it does go into comic book format) or more in depth thought from your character.

As a story, you have an interesting twist to the average disgruntled hero, but it may not be enough to drive the story as is. You will need more. However, it has the potential to be somethign very good.

__________________
Cadmus: Poor child, like a white swan warding its weak old father, why do you clasp those white arms about my neck?
Euripides; 'The Bacchae'

TDX

Thanks for the feedback. Details are the kink in my writing armor, so to speak. I guess it comes for my desire not to be overly descriptive. I prefer James Patterson style to Stephen King when it comes to setting a visual. But sometimes I feel the need to really flesh out things and have a hard time doing so. When I read my descriptions they seem too wordy to me, like I’m trying to imitate some body else.

I guess that’s a part of my writing that I’ve yet to own up to. Any help or advice in this area would be greatly appreciated. -TDX

__________________
"You must first learn to follow before you can lead Mr. Myles" -Dr. Lee from DRUMLINE

Kitten Courna

Description is one of the harder things an author has to do, because it must be done extremely well. If you think your descriptions are too wordy, just work on them, whittle them down, or flesh them out in different places. Consider the things that are important for the moment, and how long you need that moment to last. There's always the chance that you can put more detail into different situations without flat out describing them. Say you wanted to describe the Wraith's costume without having a separate paragraph, try a reflection in a puddle on a dismal sidewalk, and use his thoughts on his own appearance. Just try out a few different ways, and see if you can settle on one you like, then tailor it to your particular style. That's one of the reasons I suggested more introspection from the main character, because it would give you more of an opportunity to describe settings and appearances and set the tone of the piece. I have a notorious problem with descriptions myself most of the time. Sometimes you just have to write and rewrite and rewrite until you're happy.

er, I hope that helped a bit.

Kitten

__________________
Cadmus: Poor child, like a white swan warding its weak old father, why do you clasp those white arms about my neck?
Euripides; 'The Bacchae'