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Old 06-15-2003, 10:17 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: High Point, North Carolina
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justmitina
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Hell

Ok everyone this is my first stab at posting something and getting some opinions. I started this after 9-11-2001. I wanted to see how the world i created would deal with the effects that changed the world. It is just a start. I wanna hear some thoughts if i could....



Most of the time we sit though life wondering what could happen or what will happen, and most of the time nothing does happen. Until the one thing in our lives comes and scares us letting us know that there really is no way out. We claw and dig until our fingers bleed, then there is that one final breath where we know we can’t get out. The one final tear hits the floor and the life blood which once coursed through our bodies is now gone. Gone to wonder with all the other souls whom are trapped just asking for a way out. People stand by and watch as you scream, but you know that all they can do is watch. Anything else would just be uncalled for. Then finally all the smoke clears and all that is left is bodies. Blood runs like a river through the streets, unkowing civilians sit by and cry watching their fellow man die.
Could this possibly be the American way……


Slowly the sun sets over the horizon of the over populated New York City, people run in every direction like little ants looking for a place of comfort or a place make money. As minutes pass the business people of the concrete jungle begin to disappear for the night ready to begin a new day. Right along with the vanishing of the sane world the challenged part of the city comes alive. Prostitutes line the street wear sking tight mini skirts and see through shirts just waiting to find a eager old man with money. Drug dealers hide down the alleys looking to make a quick sale so they to can feed their families of put another child in the morgue from over dosing on to mant addictive drugs. Cautiously police patrol the city streets trying to keep innocent people alive, but there is always the chance of failing, and failing can never make a cop feel to excited about their job.


Thank you,
mike
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Old 06-15-2003, 12:46 PM   #2
cdm
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cdm
Very good. I like the thought pattern. The only fault I find is grammatical (which I usually ignore, because that can be corrected in editing, but I have to have SOMETHING to criticise).

First: "whom" is the object of a preposition. "from whom""to whom" etc. Use "who".

Lose that "just" and the first "all".

Comma between "Night" and "Ready..."

Again, dump the "just".

"skin-tight" "miniskirts" "See-through".

Dump the "just" (I used to do that too much. Overuse of "just" and "all").

(Overdosing) (mant(?) = more(?)

"too" instead of "to" when you can substitute "more" or "also" or "too much/many/far". In other words when expressing an excess of whatever.

You have some problem with commas, but we all do, and editors each has a different system with them.

You have talent. A lot of it. Develop it.

Oh, yeah! "an" before a word that begins with a vowel.
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Old 06-15-2003, 06:14 PM   #3
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justmitina
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Thanks

Cdm,

Thank you for taking the time to look it over and i will look into what you suggested or corrected. Now that i know it is good i will have to continue on with it. It is a story i want to put alot of thought into because it involves alot of characters and alot of things happening so what choice do i have but develop it with alot of thought. Of course we all know things like that are not easy. (Looking down at the floor sadly) I hate writer's block.
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