Story Beginning - Writers Forum

Death_and_her_Cat · 03-10-2003, 11:35 AM

Here is the beginning of my fantasy short story:

The flaming red disk of the sun rose into the clear blue sky with the first dawn of spring. Rays of sunlight crept over the parched lands like snakes. On a quaint little farm in the country of Oksha, on the vast continent of Terra, four children slept peacefully unawares. To them this was a normal birthday, despite the reality of famine and drought, but little did they know it would change their lives and many others besides. Two boys, two girls, all with golden hair, tanned, dry skin and dazzling sapphire blue eyes. Despite their similar appearances, each was distinct in their own little way.

Pale, dawn light crept in through the open window into a small room with no decorations, only plain wooden walls and four plain mattresses on the floor, in which slept the four children. A tendril of the pale, dawn light shone into one of the girl’s eyes and she slowly began to wake. Sleepily she opened her eyes, her eyelids fluttered like a new butterflies wings. She flopped over onto her side to face another sleeping girl and get the sun out of her eyes; the first wore her hair long while the second cropped short. The longhaired girl slid a thin tanned arm from under the ragged sheepskin covers and poked the other playfully. She chuckled as the girl tried to whack her hand away mumbling groggily.

Do you think it is an effective beginning? What advice can you offer? I more often choose to describe a sceen like an introduction then start the story or meld the intro with the beginning. But if you want to hook your reader right away and leave them guessing then rushing straight into the story is a good thing. New more impatient readers will want an active beginning that grabs their attention quickly but the morem addicted or mature readers like myself can get past the boring begginning to get to the proper story. Partly it depends on what kind of audience or age group you are writing for.

What do you think?

Anonymous · 03-13-2003, 08:41 PM

Ok, here goes my opinion as an 'editor' I think it could be effective but not left in the state its in. You're not consistant. The first paragraph is full of sentences that don't flow or connect with each other. You start by describing the land, then the kids, then something else, go back to the kids, and end up with more description of the day itself. I would love to help with this if you want it. Email me Jessica@lit.org and I'd be happy to edit/go over things, rules, structure what have you if you like. You have potential now I think all you need is some guidelines. Let me know if I can help, I'm not here to offend or upset you.

Anonymous · 03-24-2003, 01:49 PM

I find it intriguing, but would like to know more about the characters and why they are different. There is much that is mentioned in the first paragraph, but without knowing what the purpose of the piece is, as the reader I'm unsure what to expect, which is a good thing, but want more.

I honestly believe that the beginning can work if it leads to greater things. I'm of the mindset that the patient reader will suffer through a tedious beginning, if the rest of the story produces jewels worth waiting for.

Austin

DragonReborn · 06-14-2003, 10:11 PM

It kind of drones on and on. Look at this:
Do the characters move forward in the story? Are there unnecesary scenes, words or paragraphs? If you write too many unnecesary words/ paragraphs, you mess up the flow. Truly look at each scene in your story and say: Do they move forward? Moving forward in a story can be as simple as going to the refridgerator, but at least it's moving forward (Note: Do not include, however, every detail in the character's life. If two knights were going to have a duel in a week, do NOT write about that week unless something important, in the plot or subplot, happens in that period of time.). And finally, ask yourself: Does anybody care?
A student of Gary Provost, an old writing teacher, wrote this in some of his work:
Sunrise began to paint its kaleidoscope of pastels on the desert of new mexico. A cool August morning gave way rapidly to rising temperatures, and to the grey, violet outline of butte and cactus. These forms, hidden for hours in darkness, now appeared changing in hues of pink and orange. Step by step the sun's palette distributed its gentle splendor onto a vast canvas of silvers. All night long, the man-made glare of white light shone from massive staging platforms and block shaped buildings that made up section 4 of Holliman Air Force Base...
Drones on and on, doesn't it? There's no viewpoint. Later, that entire paragraph was changed to:
Joe Bloggs watched the shadows of dawn give way tp the beginnings of a glaring, colorful morning in the New Mexican desert, as the sun's growing warmth took out the chill of the air over the Holliman Airforce Base below him.
They established a sentence that wasn't in six sentences. Get my drift?

Death_and_her_Cat · 06-17-2003, 02:03 PM

I see you point about being long winded and I appraciate its meaning. But the example you gave is much too far an extreme. The original section may have been long winded but it was descriptive and beautiful to a preson who can appreciate it. I admit it was too long but they went to far. He also cut out the description not just the droning on and the introduction lost its edge.

So you see you have to find a balance between too much and not enough . . . do you get me?

DragonReborn · 06-18-2003, 05:24 PM

Just stating what my opinion was (along with Gary Provost's, the leading writing teacher of the world until his death in '95).

Mendicant98 · 06-28-2003, 10:37 PM

You can't really effectively critique an introduction without seeing the rest of the story. An introduction should set up the "mood" and purpose for the rest of the story, or in some cases, book. Sure, there are character shifts that change the mood, but the purpose should be the key of your entire novel or short story. Yes, a thesis is a must not only in exposition but in narrative. Just ask Poe. Without it, writing has absolutely no meaning. Ask yourself, "What am I trying to get across overall? Am I trying to send a message? A moral? Or just an overall feeling?"

Any more advice wanted, just ask.