Thread: the godless boy.

Hey guys. Prose isn't really my thing, and I wanna change that. So please, rip this apart with your critique, but please also do tell me what's good. I really wanna improve.




the godless boy.


I fell in love with the godless boy down the street. Maybe it was something about the way his hair flicked away from his forehead just before bothering his eyes. Or the way seas of people would part when they saw him approach. Most likely though, it was just the way he was on that particular day.

I saw him around a lot of places and often, keeping to himself while walking crowded streets. He never seemed worth any special attention, though, past noticing how strangely aloof he seemed to be. He had shrouded his impiety in silence and even masked it with church, as if hoping no one would catch on. He was just another grain of sand on the beach.

But one day Susie came back from recess crying and told us all that the boy was a devil monster. She said that God had left him, because he had left God. Or was it the other way around? I cannot remember, but they seem to end the same way so perhaps I do not need to. In any case she lost herself in tears after that and would not say any more to anyone. I saw the boy outside our classroom window then. He was looking in at Susie, watching her with fear and sadness and regret. I think that no one else saw that.

Susie’s information spread quickly and openly, becoming the word everyone needed to hear. Beware the boy without our god, that unholy quiet one. They said that satan lived within him in the absence of the lord, and my parents told me that the boy was bad so they must have been right. I was to stay away. I did.

Some time later the electricity ran out and everyone was frustrated. The power company claimed that they would have some more soon enough, but there was none at that moment, and, really, that was all that mattered. There was nothing on the television, because the television could not turn on. A while passed and people began to murmur and then shout that the devil himself had taken our electricity. People always need something to do. Not doing anything was not something they were intended for. So they found the godless boy and set to stoning him. I did not follow them, because I had a very nice view from my bedroom windowsill and so had no need to.

They tied him up on a cross and took nails to his hands. To make him understand, I suppose, what our savior went through so that we would not have to suffer. I watched them bludgeon him, seeing the first thud, then the next, and then a patter. I heard the boy break and cry out. He slumped as though he wanted to fall but couldn't. It was then, I think, that I fell in love with him. When he tried to die. Just before he really did.

That's some tricky writing!

My only problem is probably only apparent because it's such a short piece! I wish I could learn more about the town setting. At first I am imagining it is set in a modern day town or city, but then the terminology changes a bit at about the fourth paragraph. I think keywords like "devil, recess, and crowded streets" feel like more modern words and "Satan, unholy, and 'within him' " feel more dated. I get slightly confused by the timeline, and even begin to wonder if the universe that this piece takes place in is intended to be an alternate one, like Star Wars, for example, where it is a long time ago but technology is relatively futuristic. While suspense is often a great device for writers, I feel like I need to know more about what universe I crash landed in when I started reading. For me that disorientation is not as pleasant, but I might just be an impatient reader. It might very well be a style that you rather find effective, so really it's how you feel about it. You might find that giving the reader too much setting description up front kills the flow of your work.

That aside, I didn't find a lot of distractions when reading the piece. It flows nicely as an introduction. The summarization of the boy's end makes a nice hook for readers to find out more. The perspective feels very put together. Maybe we could learn a bit more about Susie, like if she is a neighbor, a classmate, or the protagonist's sister. Then we could gauge better her situation. Keep up the good work!

I wasn't able to connect with this. I didn't even care when the boy died. The story kind of lacked originality. Crowds parting for the mysterious guy that no one knew anything about. But unlike the other stories with this element, you never told us anything about, well...anything. The town thinks this boy who we know nothing about is possessed, or whatever, and a girl who we also know nothing about has fallen in love with the boy for a reason we do not know.

Another thing I don't understand is why you say that crowds part for him, and then go on to say that there's nothing about him worth noticing? Even going as far as saying he's just another grain of sand on the beach? Also, if a guy was staring in the window at this girl, how would he go unnoticed by an entire classroom? It'd be normal if he never gets noticed, but if crowds part for him, that's not the case.

Even for a short story, this is very underdeveloped. At no point in this story did I know why anyone was doing anything. Except maybe at the end. There doesn't seem to be a particular tone, either.

It's a good story, just underdeveloped.

Two comments.

One - Lose the intro. That's like a stop sign that says 'don't bother reading this'.

Two - What Fin said.

Alright, thanks a lot for the comments guys. Yeah I'll rework it to get the reader more into the characters, and describe the setting etc. I was also trying for a completely innocent, unaware persona, which I feel I can improve on too.

And Garza - yeah, noted about the intro

This is beautifully written. I can honestly say that if this was the beginning of a novel, it would hold my attention for the most part. I would have loved to read more and to see where this goes. I suggest you keep writing. If you want to keep this story up, I'd add in some more events to make it longer and to give us more sense in what went on between the lines.

I also think this was beautifully written. It has a real spark to it -- perhaps learning more about the structure of a story and the technical parts of how sentences work would allow you to move forward, because this is very good as it is, but it seems like you're still learning the form. You should keep writing, you have a gift for it.

I almost entirely disagree with Fin. This story is minimalist in character and needn't be changed. Making it a character study of either of the protagonists would change it entirely in tone (which it doesn't lack--tone is this story's strongest asset.)

I also think it's ill-advised to deliberately attempt to learn how to improve your writing. You should always be considering how to improve your storytelling, but much of the advice propagated in the writer subculture will have you writing in a very assumed, false style.

Brevity is a major strength in all writing and your omission of the needless is my favorite aspect of your style. My advice would be always to search for ways to make a piece more concise, even one as short as this.

Consider adding to the story, to the chunks of info. which is what the paragraphs currently are. Being short and direct is a talent, so longs as its interesting and compelling. Think of One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich short. Be interesting in the detail, let the reader swim in them, let their mindset be tossed and boggled. Good story here, but you gave the broad strokes. No detail. That doesn't mean make it longer, just more impressionable.

Good reading.

The images that your story invoked will stay with me long after I forget their source. I think your ending could use some adjustment - some further details, some smoothing out. It reads a bit clunkily. I understood the mob hysterics - our innate need to hold Someone responsible for what God (authority) hath wrought. While the community believes itself powerless (pun intended) to lynch the electric company, it can turn on a dime to bully some innocent - just as a punished play yard of children point in accusation at the loner child for their suspended recess. Something about this piece was powerful for me. Previous posters have given good ideas for cleaning, tweaking, smoothing. Go for it!

I also disagree with Fin (sorry Fin!). However, my only knowledge of writing is from everything I've read. I know what I like and what I don't like (you'll never find a way to write that pleases the whole world, remember that).

I liked the direct contrast between the crowds parting for him but nobody noticing him. It made me question how that's possible, but I don't doubt that it is because I read it haha. It helped develop the picture of who the godless boy is if that makes sense. With only one phrase or the other I can picture him clearly in a half dozen different ways, but both combined creates a stark contrast that can only be filled in a certain way.

I like the flow of the crowd, the sheeple flocking to occupy their lives with a stoning/crucifiction when the tv's failed.

I wonder what the boy did to Susie, I thought at first it was something along the lines of rape. Rape doesn't typically invoked a feeling of sadness or regret though. Those two feelings made me feel more for him, like maybe he offered her his heart and she was the evil one for trampling it and running to tell the classmates.

I felt the emotions of the story, I'd be curious to see it developed into something longer.

Thanks for sharing!
-Greak

Hmmmm. It feels very much dystopian. The narrator seems almost brainwashed, except at a few glimmering points, namely the window and stoning scenes. Only advice I can give is more info. I can enjoy a story much more when I know where its happening, why and when. That's all I've got, great story overall.