Thread: The joys of autumn

I stand, cozily garbed in lazy morning attire caressing a hot cup of coffee securely against my chest. With hands on either side of the hot cup I’m easily amused by humid steam rising, dancing and vanishing amongst my face. Situated in my kitchen, facing a clear glass sliding door thinly frosted by the outside chill, I inquisitively look out. I stare past an old peeling deck and into a large stand of tired trees below. Maples, Oaks and Willows bend and sway silently with every gust of wind that grimly cuts through the deep valley outside my snug bungalow. Extravagant leafs; ever-changing form and color are dancing and thrashing on thin maple trees waiting for the wind to set them free. Leafs set free by the cold autumn wind bob and weave as if on an invisible roller coaster, flashing reds, yellows and oranges brightening up an otherwise gloomy and grayish landscape. The willow tree, unchanged and seemingly rebellious of the shifting seasons sways back and forth to its own beat despite the ever shortening days and cold/bitter autumn nights. Acorns and small twigs fall to the ground from the oak tree as busy squirrels scurry the branches like angry drivers in a frantic race to collect nuts for the winter. My attention turns skyward in time to catch a flock of geese soaring proudly on their journey south. Sipping my coffee in euphoric comfort the hardy geese disappear into the horizon as the chattering of anxious squirrels and shrieks of wild crows fill my ears and overflow my senses. Just then the sun found an open spot in an otherwise sea of gray. Instantly everything is bathed in a euphoric golden shower. Leafs suddenly glisten like tiny mirrors as the squirrels stop their frantic race and crows stop giving chase to enjoy this rare compassion from Mother Nature. I set down my coffee and slide open the glass door totally vulnerable to the elements to connect with everything on this truly momentous occasion. What a pleasant surprise to be greeted by a rush of freezing cold air. I have never felt so alive.

Just a short story I was toying around with. I just started taking up writing and so this might be a little rough I guess. I would love to know what you guys think… thanks

That is a lot of description. It's very good description, but it doesn't leave much room for the story. Watch out for words that end in **ly**. Try using other words to get what you want across. Great imagery, I liked the one about the squirrels scurrying along the branches like angry drivers, that made me smile.
A whole big block of print like that is hard to read, maybe you could break it up into paragraphs. I read it because it was short, if it had been longer, I wouldn't have bothered.
Again fantastic description, but a lot of it.

It is a very good description of the world around you. I like to write things like this too.

I would agree with egpenny on the points made.

With hands on either side of the hot cup I’m easily amused by humid steam rising, dancing and vanishing amongst my face.

To me "amongst" implies a plural. I wonder if "dancing and vanishing against my face" sounds better?

All in all, I could see and feel what you were experiencing so you did a good job of relaying it to the reader. Keep writing!

Thanks for the comments, muchly appreciated. Yea I love using as many descriptive words as possible, just really like the reader to see and feel what I’m typing. Egpenny, when I revise this I will break it down into paragraphs for sure and try to lose some descriptive words because I do agree there might be too many. Nerot, I gave you a critique in God’s Orphan and noticed you totally have a similar writing style, too cool. I agree that "dancing and vanishing against my face" does sound better the "amongst". note to self to chage that in the revision.

As the others have mentioned, there is a lot of description within your story. This is not a bad thing, but the universal law of moderation is true to everything, including writing. Too much of something, most of the time, is not a good thing.

One thing that I noticed is you're telling the reader too much. Try to show the reader what (or where) you want to tell them. Leave room for the reader to use their imagination. We love this about literature. That is why we read.

Also, when possible, avoid certain obvious descriptions like "humid steam" "freezing cold" and "clear glass window." Descriptions like these can turn away some readers because they know steam is humid and a window is made of clear glass.

I noticed you have a good feel for syntax. This may be an instinctive thing for you. This is really good. Focus on improving it. The results will be rewarding, and you will see better balanced material. Balanced meaning: your longer sentences will shorten in length resulting in more profound short sentences.

If you're interested in some material that is relative to my suggestions, read some of Earnest Hemingway's short stories. Keep in mind he was an extreme minimalist, but his ability to allow the reader to imagine is fantastic.


Keep writing, JoeSmo.

Originally Posted by JoeSmo

I stand, cozily garbed in lazy morning attirecomma- the attire is not caressing the coffee cup caressing a hot cup of coffee securely against my chest. With hands on either side of the hot cup I’m easily amused by humid redundant terms steam rising, dancing and vanishing maybe one word too many in that list amongst my face. Situated in my kitchen, facing a clear glass sliding door thinly frosted by the outside chill, you could change to "I face a clear glass door... and inquisitively look out." Simplify a bit, and at the same time mix up your sentence structure. I inquisitively look out. Put these two sentences together. The following one feels waay too short for this piece of writing.I stare past an old peeling deck and into a large stand of tired trees below. Maples, Oaks and Willows bend and sway silently with every gust of wind that grimly cuts through the deep valley outside my snug bungalow. Extravagant leafs; Why the semicolon? ever-changing form and color are dancing and thrashing on thin maple trees comma- the leaves are waiting for the wind, not the trees. Hard, straight-line winds can kill trees, mate. waiting for the wind to set them free. Leafs set free by the cold autumn wind bob and weave as if on an invisible roller coaster, flashing reds, yellows and oranges brightening up an otherwise gloomy and grayish landscape. The willow tree, unchanged and seemingly rebellious of the shifting seasons sways back and forth to its own beat despite the ever shortening days and cold/bitter autumn nights. Acorns and small twigs fall to the ground from the oak tree as busy squirrels scurry the branches like angry drivers in a frantic race to collect nuts for the winter. My attention turns skyward in time to catch a flock of geese soaring proudly on their journey south. Sipping my coffee in euphoric comfort the hardy geese disappear into the horizon as the chattering of anxious squirrels and shrieks of wild crows fill my ears and overflow my senses. Just then the sun found an open spot in an otherwise sea of gray. Instantly everything is bathed in a euphoric golden shower. Leafs suddenly glisten like tiny mirrors as the squirrels stop their frantic race and crows stop giving chase to enjoy this rare compassion from Mother Nature. I set down my coffee and slide open the glass door totally vulnerable to the elements to connect with everything on this truly momentous occasion. What a pleasant surprise to be greeted by a rush of freezing cold air. I have never felt so alive.

Just a short story I was toying around with. I just started taking up writing and so this might be a little rough I guess. I would love to know what you guys think… thanks

Great, gorgeous prose that could use some fine-tuning (I quit with the crit halfway through; you know your buisness well, it would appear). The only fault I can really think of with this is the lack of story, as mentioned by other posters; but since the point of this isn't any story but the revelling in the majesty of nature, I'll simply congratulate you on a stunning little piece.

When you do decide to write something bigger, though, you'd do well to listen to what everyone is telling you- that everything (even chocolate) is better in moderation. My general rule is that if the prose is getting in the way of the story, then it should be cut outright or at least toned down or diluted with something more relevant to a story. You could probably fit most everything in this piece into a chapter with two characters taking a walk-and-talk in a park, for example.

But still. Very good work for what it is.

*applause*

love the descriptions.