Thread: Smokers Bain

Smokers Bain

A worker sat at one of the benches laid out for staff behind the factory. He was the first to finish his lunch and had come out to enjoy the sun. He took out a piece of nicotine gum and sat chewing.
Another worker came out and joined him on the bench. The new man took a small spray bottle out of his pocket.
''What's that you got there?'' asked the man chewing.
''Oh this'' he showed him the bottle ''This is that new nicotine breath spray, oh aye its the latest thing, soaks right into your mouth, y'get more of a direct hit than y'do with the gum you know!''
''Oh really''
''Yeah, straight into your system, its scientifically proven. Its great stuff, you should get some.''
Just then another worker came out and sat on the bench. He reached into his pocket and took out a box a pills.
''What are those for?'' asked the man with the bottle.
''Ahh its to help me stop smoking'' said the new man.
''What are they, nicotine pills?'' asked the chewing man.
''Oh you not seen these then? they're brand new, picked em up from the pharmacy this morning'' he popped one out of its foil case and showed them.
''So what are they? pills?''
''No these are better than that, they've just come out over here these have, all the celebrity's are usein um, these are those brand new nicotine suppositories''
''Suppositories?'' said the man with the spray bottle ''Do'ey work?''
''Oh yeah!'' he said and pulled a little tube of liquid of his pocket ''They give you this little tube of stuff ere look, you d'squirt a bit on the thing look'' he put the tube down and loosened his belt ''make sure he's nice and covered then...'' he put his hand down the back of his trousers ''see what they reckon is nicotine is absorbed faster through the lining of your bowels'' he brought his arm back and fastened his trousers ''I sharn't be getting the urge to smoke for the rest of the day now!''
Another worker cam to join the three men outside, he was holding a clear bag full of clear liquid attached to two long thin tubes.
''What the hells that thing you got there'' said the man with the suppositories
''What this?'' said the new man ''This is the latest thing to help you stop smoking, that's pure liquid nicotine in there, there's no other treatment like this around'' They all stared at his bag. ''This is what they're using in Hollywood, this is what Madonna used to quit smoking''
''So what?, do you drink it?'' said the man with the spray bottle catching hold of a tube ''are these the straws then''
''EY'' said the man with the bag, pulling the tube away ''That's not a straw. This is the newest thing pal, fresh out of Hollywood. This is one of those new nicotine enemas.''
''An enema?'' said the man chewing gum ''What's one of those?''
''Here stand up, there y'are hold the bag, ill show you how it works. Hold it up high now, above your shoulder, that's it.'' He pointed to the shortest tube coming from the top of the bag. ''This one here is to let the air in so it emptys and ill show you what you do with this one.'' He showed them the longer tube attached to the bottom of the bag. ''You get this little tub of jelly comes with it you see, you have to make sure there's plenty on the end of the tube.'' The end was slightly pointed, it shone in the sun. ''Then its just a case of...''
This man did not need to loosen his belt. ''Can you see how its emptying?'' He stood bent over, with his hands on his knees, taking deep breaths. ''That's a full days worth of nicotine there, I wont need this again until tomorrow now.'' The bag was almost empty.
Another worker came out to the bench and surveyed his work collogues
One was stood holding a bag above his shoulder and chewing gum. One was coughing violently after just spraying something into his mouth. One was fidgeting in his seat, shifting his weight from one bum cheek to the other, and the last man was fishing a tube out from the back of his trousers.
The new man sat at the free space on the bench and took out a packet of cigarettes. He lit one.
''You wouldn't happen to have a spare fag would you?'' asked the man chewing gum.
''I thought y'was quitting?'' he replied.
''I know but one won't harm... I've gone three days without now''
''Aye well give us one aswell then'' said the man with the bottle.
''Aye go on me too then'' said the man with the suppositories
''Well if you're all having one then I might aswell join in'' said the man with the enema.
The man with the cigarettes sighed.



Have not touched writing for a few years now, trying to get back into the swing of it, thought id start with somthing light hearted hahaha.

I am a smoker, i wish i could quit, iv tried, i cant.

Hope this made you chuckle.

"see what they reckon is nicotine is absorbed faster threw the lining of your bowels''

through.

This has the feel of something spoken to me, as though it might make a basis for a stand up rather than a written piece. So much can be implied through tone and timing that has to be explained in writing and the 'story' is to light for much more baggage. I think you achieved a good balance, I could see it coming a mile off, but you kept me entertained and reading to the end, thanks.

Cheers Olly m8,
Funny u should say it has the feel of somthing to be spoken, coz i thought of it as spoken, just saw an advert for them spray things that made me think of it but there was no one around to tell so i wrote it down instead. gave us an excuse to write.
A bit dissapointed u could see it coming, hahaha oh well...

Very funny bit there. It seems more like a long joke rather than a piece of writing, but if you expanded a bit on the scenery, the reactions, the interactions, I think it could be a solid bit of reading. I also agree with the other poster that the ending was rather predictable, but funny nonetheless.

This piece is funny because it's like a satire on all the ways people can quit smoking. I thought it was also amusing how they were using their product based on supposed "Hollywood" success stories, no matter how ridiculous the idea. My only problem was the dialogue was rather long for the moral that was delivered.

Do you mean bane?

I agree with the others. The premise for the story is amusing because so many people do make decisions in their lives - such as which quit smoking aid to use - based on what's happening in Hollywood. However, like the others, I think it should be fleshed out more. Don't chuck it by any means, just add to it.

For the most part "Somkers Bane" is entertaining. As another poster mentioned, it has the characteristics of an extended joke. If this was your intentions, you did a fine job. If you want it to be more of a short story, I'd suggest giving the readers more insight to the characters and/or the setting. Show them more of what you see when writing about these workers taking a nicotine/smoke break. If what you wrote is all that you saw, try expanding more on the little details already present in the piece.

In regards to your efforts in trying to quit cigarettes, you should continue writing about it. As you know, writing is therapeutic and a healer. It's an escape for thoughts and feelings that in many ways we cannot express. Yes, writing has an instant affect and one may feel better, but over an extend period of time it has the tendency to be more effective.

BillyBob, you might just have your solution.

Thank you for sharing and keep writing.