Thread: The Color Red.

He gripped his chest. The pain throbbed and grew. Tears formed in his eyes, he grunted through his teeth. He looked around with bloodshot eyes and saw the horrid scene. He saw his mother, lying on the couch. The residue of a smile was still visible, but it was painted in red. His father was on the floor next to the couch. He lay in a puddle, face plastered with determination, a bat gripped tightly in his right hand. His breathing grew louder, his face reddened, and the tears became a stream. He began to sob, his parents had just been taken away. And then he saw something by the stairs. Soft curly hair was strewn over a young face, but the expression of fear was visible through the jungle. She, like her father lay in a puddle. The sobs racked his body and he let out a low, sorrowful wail. Then she gasped in. He started in shock and ran over to her. Her face was contorted with pain and soft tears slid down her cheeks. He fell to his knees in the puddle of red and took her hand. Her eyes looked up at him and she started to gasp sharply, trying, vainly, to speak.

"Shh, shh. It's alright." He soothed, "You don't have to tell me anything, save your energy. I'l--" He chocked on a sob, "I'll call an ambulance." With his free hand he wiped tears away from his eyes.

He tried to get up but she gripped his hand tightly. She gasped louder and let out a whimper, still trying to tell him something. His vision blurred and, again, he wiped his tears. She trembled slightly, her eyes rolled up, and she stopped breathing. He let his head hang as the sobs racked his body. He blamed himself. If only he had been stronger, if he would have got here on time. But he knew it was just nonsense. Even his father had been killed, and he was a lot stronger. What would he have been able to do? He would just have been killed as well. He opened his eyes and looked down at his sister's lifeless body. His sister, she was only eight. An innocent child, not even old enough to defend herself. Yet she had still been killed in cold blood by a disgusting man. His eyes began to burn and he grunted louder. He began to shake as rage filled his body. He flung his head back and yelled at the top of his lungs. He recovered, got up and looked around for some sort of weapon. If the killer was still here he would definitely know that there was someone still alive in the house. He spotted the bat that his father still clutched. He picked it up and gripped it with two hands. Floor boards creaked near by. He slithered next to the arch and pressed himself against the wall. The floor creaked again, this time just on the other side of the wall. He lifted his bat and waited, crouching. A gun appeared, and then a hand. Barely holding back a cry, he brought the bat down with all of his might. It made contact and he heard the crunch of bone. The man dropped the gun and yelped. He jumped through the archway and brought the bat down upon the man's head. The man crumpled to the floor but he did not let up. He continued to beat the body, even after it stopped twitching. With each swing he let out a scream. Finally he grew exhausted and stopped swinging. He noticed that his arms were covered in red. Not only his arms but his face, body, the bat, and ,especially, the man. Red and blue lights flashed in the window. He dropped the bat and opened the door. A uniformed man looked at him, somewhat shocked. He turned around with his arms behind his back, he felt the cool metal tighten around his wrists. He turned around for one last glamps. Everywhere he looked, he saw red.

How many times have you used 'he' and 'him'? Especially at the start of something.

If the killer was still here he would defiantly know

I think you meant definitely.

Originally Posted by S.M. grimbldoo

He gripped his chest. The pain throbbed and grew. Tears formed in his eyes, he grunted through his teeth. He looked around with bloodshot eyes and saw the horrid scene. He saw his mother, lying on the couch. The residue of a smile was still visible, but is I would use 'it' instead of 'is'...did you even read over your story before posting it? was painted in red. His father was on the floor next to the couch Was he just lying on the floor or was he dead? Pretend I'm an idiot. Maybe, I already am He lay in a puddle, face plastered with determination, a bat gripped tightly in his right hand. His breathing grew louder, Now this is where you lose me. Who? The father or the main character? his face reddened, and the tears became a stream. He began to sob, his parents had just been taken away I thought they died?. And then he saw something by the stairs. Soft curly hair was strewn over a young face, but the expression of fear was visible through the jungle . She, like her father lay in a puddle Why is it raining in their house? Do they not have a roof? If they're outside why is the couch outside and why are there stairs?. The sobs racked his body and he let out a low, sorrowful wail. Then she gasped in. He started in shock and ran over to her. Her face was contorted with pain and soft tears slid down her cheeks. He fell to his knees in the puddle of red What is wrong with just calling it a puddle of blood? and took her hand. Her eyes looked up at him and she started to gasp sharply, trying, vainly, to speak.

"Shh, shh. It's alright." He soothed, "You don't have to tell me anything, save your energy. I'l--" He chocked on a sob, "I'll call an ambulance." With his free hand he wiped tears away from his eyes.

He tried to get up but she gripped his hand tightly. She gasped louder and let out a whimper, still trying to tell him something. His vision blurred and, again, he wiped his tears. She trembled slightly, her eyes rolled up, and stopped breathing Why are her eyes breathing? Eyes aren't supposed to breath. Or at least they're not typically known to breath. Rethink what you're saying in that sentence. Lol. . He let his head hang as the sobs racked his body. He blamed himself. If only he had been stronger, if he would have got here on time. But he knew it was just nonsense. Even his father had been killed, and he was a lot stronger. What would he have been able to do? He would just have been killed as well. He opened his eyes and looked down at his sister's lifeless body. His sister, she was only eight. An innocent being The word 'Being' sort of rolls off the tongue funny, I would go with a different word, not even old enough to defend herself. Yet she had still been killed in cold blood by a disgusting man. He Jesus! Read your writing before submitting it. The 'He' typo could have easily been found just by reading it. That's two errors that could've been stopped just by you reading your work before submitting it. eyes began to burn and he grunted louder. He began to shake as rage filled his body. He flung his head back and yelled at the top of his lungs. He recovered, got up and looked around for some sort of weapon. If the killer was still here he would defiantly Did you mean 'Definitely'? know that there was someone still alive in the house. He spotted the bat that his father still clutched. He picked it up and gripped it with two hands. Floor boards creaked near by. He slithered next to the arch and pressed himself against the wall. The floor creaked again, this time just on the other side of the wall. He lifted his bat and waited, crouching. A gun appeared, and then a hand. Barely holding back a cry 'Tears' would be a more appropriate word, he brought the bat down with all of his might. It made contact and he heard the crunch of bone. The man dropped the gun and yelped. He jumped through the archway and brought the bat down upon the man's head. The man crumpled to the floor but he did not let up. He continued to beat the body, even after it stopped twitching. With each swing he let out a scream. Finally he grew exhausted and stopped swinging. He noticed that his arms were covered in red Covered in red? What is with your aversion to saying blood? When writing it's better to just say what you mean. Averting words like this leads to the confusion of your reader. Not only his arms but his face, body, the bat, and ,especially, the man. Red and blue lights flashed in the window. He dropped the bat and opened the door. A uniformed man Paramedic or Police officer? Or the icecream man down the street who happens to wear a uniform? looked at him, somewhat shocked, and nodded grimly Not an accurate way that a cop would respond. You assumed that the cop would know the situation. The body not related to the family could easily be assumed as a house guest. He would see the corpses and assume the person alive did it. So to be safe, he would probably arrest the one alive to ensure he wasn't the next victim.. He sat on the couch, elbows resting on his knees, head cupped in his hands. He looked around, and everywhere he saw red.

You wrote a lot of big paragraphs. Very hard on the reader's eyes. As a writer you want your writing to be read as easy, and non-confusing for the reader as possible.

EDIT: Sorry if this comes off a harsh review. Reviews are good to learn from provided there's something that can be learned from the critiques, and I don't make a critique unless there's something to be learned.

Thanks Olly, I did.
Thanks a lot Transformation, I did not really look over it after I wrote it all and I missed a lot of those mistakes.

What is wrong with just calling it a puddle of blood?

It fits the title.

Why is it raining in their house? Do they not have a roof? If they're outside why is the couch outside and why are there stairs?

Sorry for the confusion, I assumed you would assume that it was blood.

Tears' would be a more appropriate word

I meant it to be like yelling, a war cry.

Covered in red? What is with your aversion to saying blood? When writing it's better to just say what you mean. Averting words like this leads to the confusion of your reader

Again, I did this because of the title.

Paramedic or Police officer? Or the icecream man down the street who happens to wear a uniform?

Again, I assumed that you would assume that it was a Police Officer.

Not an accurate way that a cop would respond. You assumed that the cop would know the situation. The body not related to the family could easily be assumed as a house guest. He would see the corpses and assume the person alive did it. So to be safe, he would probably arrest the one alive to ensure he wasn't the next victim.

True, I was too lazy to put dialogue, gonna fix this.

A little bit sounded harsh but I know better than to take it as offence. Thanks for the help.

Two things straight off. The title is very catchy, which may seem a bit of a shallow thing to note but is.... a shallow thing to note. But also, the first sentence is very fast paced, in a good way. It makes the reader want to read mroe, instead of a bland, beautifully descriptive but otherwise boring opening. You set the scene well with description, and emotion is conveyed nicely. I mostly like how well you make the story catch someones eye.

Thanks for the complements. They make me feel good about my writing.

Umm...well...hurr...

good job...

A Little hesitation there.

You must, must, must vary the style. This is similar to the 'He' 'Him' crit. I will definitely read and comment more fully if this was corrected.

Originally Posted by tunnel

You must, must, must vary the style. This is similar to the 'He' 'Him' crit. I will definitely read and comment more fully if this was corrected.

Could you be a little more descriptive? I don't really understand what you are trying to say.

He means you should vary the style of your sentence structure. There are many different ways to construct a sentence. I skimmed the first paragraph, and it is clear that you typically place the subject at the beginning. A constant repetition of this style creates a thudding rhythm, for example: See Dick. See Dick and Jane. See Dick and Jane walk up the hill. It is the same rhythm over and over. You must vary the style of your sentence rhythm, and you do that by first studying the different ways a sentence can be constructed.

And it helps to develop an ear and listen to the sound -- the music -- that is coming from your words.

Thanks for explaining that johnMG. I think I'll just let this thread die, so to speak, but I'll keep this advice in mind.

It is what I was pointing out when I asked how many timesyou had used he and him to begin something, it's easy to vary when you realise.

He gripped his chest. The pain throbbed and grew. Tears formed in his eyes, he grunted through his teeth. He looked around with bloodshot eyes and saw the horrid scene. He saw his mother, lying on the couch. The residue of a smile was still visible, but it was painted in red. His father was on the floor next to the couch. He lay in a puddle, face plastered with determination, a bat gripped tightly in his right hand. His breathing grew louder, his face reddened, and the tears became a stream. He began to sob, his parents had just been taken away.

The pain throbbed and grew in his chest as he gripped it, tears formed in his eyes and he grunted through his teeth. Looking around the horrid scene was revealed to his bloodshot eyes. His mother, lying on the couch , the residue of a smile still visible, but painted red. Next to her on the floor, his father, lying in a puddle, his face plastered with determination, a bat gripped tightly in his right hand. His breathing grew louder, face reddened and tears became a stream as he began to sob, his parents had been taken away.

I have used your words as much as possible, apart from tightening it up a little by missing out a couple of redundant ones like 'was' and 'just', but I have rephrased it a bit and put the things that go together into single sentences. You seem to have missed a couple of natural lists for example.

Sometimes when you get the ideas in order like this other possibilities for the actual words start jumping out as well, such as, 'Tears formed in his eyes and he grunted through clenched teeth.' in place of 'his teeth'.

Thank you. Honestly I have not read over my story lately, and like I previously stated, I am just going to let it go, but thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind.

Hello, I think there are some good ideas in your story, but the way it is presented leaves a bit to be desired.

I think that short concise paragraphs would work better here. If the emotion you are trying to convey is something of frantic and fervor then brief paragraphs might be the way to go.

I also don't think that the conversations between the man and the injured woman ring true. The way he becomes panicked, it seems out of character, the dialogue you chose.

I hope this helps.