Thread: Damed (graphic in nature and in language)

He woke up that morning, just like every morning, and stayed in bed as long as he could until his mom yelled at him to get up. He ate breakfast alone and prepared himself for the long, silent treck to school. That day the sound leaves cracked and echoed in his head with each step. The wind moaned as it moved through the trees. The sun was trapped behind dark, stormy clouds. He walked up to the towering, meanacing structure of the school and slipped in the front doors and into the hallway. A voice boomed from down the hall, "Hey asswipe", the six foot neanderthal to which the voice belonged to stormed down the hallway and grabbed him by the shirt. "You look a little thirsty. How 'bout we go get you a drink." This caveman dragged him down the hallway and into the bathroom. The brute grabbed the boy's head, shoved it into the toilet and held him under. He flushed the toilet, forcing the cold, filthy water up the boy's nose, nearly drowning him. The boy flailed his arms, trying to get free but that monster held his head down. The boy could hear his bellowing laughter as he screamed, "How's that drink twerp?" After what seemed like an eternity the brute left and the boy gasped for air. Soaking wet, half drowned, he slumped out of the bathroom and out into the hallway. Seeing what had been done the kids pointed and laughed at him. Then Kristen Summers, the girl he'd been in love with since he was five, walked over. His eyes brightened and a hint of a smile appeared on his face. She looked at him with her beautiful ice blue eyes and said, "Get the hell out of my way twerp." She pushed past him and went to her boyfriend, the brute. The halls seemed to echo with the sound of his breaking heart. On the long walk home his eyes burned from the tears streaming down his face. He came up to his house and saw his father drunk on the porch. Through slurred speech the boy could make out, "What are you doing here you worthless piece of shit? Get the fuck out of my sight." He fumbled with the lock as his father screamed at him for being worthless. He finally managed to open the door. He walked up the stairs to the bathroom. He took a long look in the mirror. He despised the tear stained face that looked back at him. Voices resounded in his brain like a choir from hell, "Asswipe" "Twerp" "Worthless". He began to shake with rage as the voices grew louder, "Useless" "Pathetic" "Stupid". These words ate away at his soul. He believed every single one of them. He looked down and saw his father's straight razor. It gleamed in the light, smiling at him like a long lost friend. He brought the razor to his skin and dragged it across. He felt the long, stinging kiss of the blade on his wrists. His warm blood flowed over his fingers and left small pools on the floor. He stared into the sick, deformed face in the mirror. In his eyes he could see the fire inside of him. His eyes burned with the unending hatred that consumed his soul and left him empty inside. He died that day and the last thing that boy ever heard was the choir of the damned screaming, "Useless" "Pathetic" "Worthless", worthless.

I take it you actually mean damned. I counted 24 uses of "he", I think you need to address this.

There's a few things I like about this. One, I like the repeated phrases that go through his mind. "Useless." "Pathetic." etc. etc. I think that consistency is good. However, I think you use too many synonyms in here. Of course, caveman, brute, Neanderthal all give me a good impression of what this really big kid looks like, but after awhile it gets a little repetitive. For what you have, it's good, but I think your writing could use a bit of tweaking.

I think a problem you may want to work on is the paragraph structure, something like,

He woke up that morning, just like every morning, and stayed in bed as long as he could until his mom yelled at him to get up. He ate breakfast alone and prepared himself for the long, silent treck to school. That day the sound leaves cracked and echoed in his head with each step. The wind moaned as it moved through the trees. The sun was trapped behind dark, stormy clouds. He walked up to the towering, meanacing structure of the school and slipped in the front doors and into the hallway.

A voice boomed from down the hall, "Hey asswipe", the six foot neanderthal to which the voice belonged to stormed down the hallway and grabbed him by the shirt. "You look a little thirsty. How 'bout we go get you a drink." This caveman dragged him down the hallway and into the bathroom. The brute grabbed the boy's head, shoved it into the toilet and held him under. He flushed the toilet, forcing the cold, filthy water up the boy's nose, nearly drowning him. The boy flailed his arms, trying to get free but that monster held his head down. The boy could hear his bellowing laughter as he screamed, "How's that drink twerp?" After what seemed like an eternity the brute left and the boy gasped for air. Soaking wet, half drowned, he slumped out of the bathroom and out into the hallway. Seeing what had been done the kids pointed and laughed at him. Then Kristen Summers, the girl he'd been in love with since he was five, walked over.

His eyes brightened and a hint of a smile appeared on his face. She looked at him with her beautiful ice blue eyes and said, "Get the hell out of my way twerp." She pushed past him and went to her boyfriend, the brute. The halls seemed to echo with the sound of his breaking heart. On the long walk home his eyes burned from the tears streaming down his face. He came up to his house and saw his father drunk on the porch. Through slurred speech the boy could make out, "What are you doing here you worthless piece of shit? Get the fuck out of my sight." He fumbled with the lock as his father screamed at him for being worthless.

He finally managed to open the door. He walked up the stairs to the bathroom. He took a long look in the mirror. He despised the tear stained face that looked back at him. Voices resounded in his brain like a choir from hell, "Asswipe" "Twerp" "Worthless". He began to shake with rage as the voices grew louder, "Useless" "Pathetic" "Stupid". These words ate away at his soul. He believed every single one of them. He looked down and saw his father's straight razor. It gleamed in the light, smiling at him like a long lost friend. He brought the razor to his skin and dragged it across. He felt the long, stinging kiss of the blade on his wrists. His warm blood flowed over his fingers and left small pools on the floor. He stared into the sick, deformed face in the mirror. In his eyes he could see the fire inside of him. His eyes burned with the unending hatred that consumed his soul and left him empty inside. He died that day and the last thing that boy ever heard was the choir of the damned screaming, "Useless" "Pathetic" "Worthless", worthless.

I personally find the story a bit sad, very depressing, but your style is good. You may want to work on sentence structure as well, avoiding some excessive repetition I've been seeing.