Thread: Winter by the Sound (1300 words)

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Hey all,

Once more I dabble in the prose section. Unfamiliar territory for me. So I ask that you please humor me as I post this story looking for some strong criticism. I'd like to know if I'm successful here. Prose is difficult for me because I become so anxious about each word. But this story just needed to be told. It was building in me for some time, and I hope you all can help me fine tune it.

Thanks so much in advance.

-Glass

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Winter by the Sound

We didn’t move, and I didn’t want to. It felt like warm bread, just out of the oven; grasp it too hard and it sinks – leave it to get cold, and it’ll harden up.

Great line! I enjoyed this little story, even though it left me feeling a bit sad myself. Your description of the girl is great. Earlier, though, I think there's a bit too much description of the setting, the snow, and so on, which might work fine in a poem, but here it keeps us waiting for you to get to the point. Minor things, like those two capital S's in the first paragraph that should be lower case, are easy to fix, and you'll want to scan the piece for other such small errors as you decide which lines you can do without in the opening narrative.

I hope you will change this phrase, since it put a horrific image in my mind that I wish I'd not seen. A sad yet sweet piece like this is no place to shock the reader with gruesomeness. Surely there's a nicer creative way to say this: "the grace of a limbless lion in the ocean"

This left me with questions about the girl's fate and about your relationship with your dad, which seems not to have improved much, since you don't want to talk to him. That's the saddest part of the whole story to me.

Well I was going to, but this editor seems to randomly ignore its own rules, obeying some of the formatting instructions and not others, just leaving them as text on the page, so I give up...

There are a lot of beautifully poetic lines in here, but I tend to agree with Phyllis about the beginning- and the ending. I think it's fine to sum up that your relationship with him still isn't good, but it leaves a big, unanswered 'why' in my mind. Well done though, it's a moving piece and it leaves me wanting to read more.

*huurrrrrrmmhh*

There are many things I want to say about this. The sudden intimacy between the main character and a girl who is so quickly introduced is highly unrealistic when you explain in the text that she looks at him in confusion, indicating that she doesn't know him very well. The lack of an explanation for the intimacy is also very confusing. I could not tell whether she was comforting him, or whether he was comforting her.

The little said about the mother is unrealistic. I would think that there would be some mention of the mother. And the father, who seems to be integral to the storyline, has very little to actually do in the story. And then there is the sudden shift between the two parts, where the main character is at home, and then with the girl. If you want to show intimacy between two characters, show intimacy. If you want to show enmity between the main character and his dad, show that. However, the story briefly touches on one, and then confusingly shows the other, and leaves a gap that doesn't explain why.

Then there were the long paragraphs of description at the beginning. Be careful with description. In poetry, many details are good. But in prose, one or two pertinent details are really all one needs to set up a scene.

Overall, I felt the work was jerky, confusing, and unpolished, with an emphasis on beautiful language over clear structure and characterization. That's not to say that it can shine with work, but it'll need to be a bit longer than it is.

Please note, that this is not an attack on you in any way.

I will review these comments and edit when I get some time. Thank you all so much - hopefully a revised version soon!

I have reworked this piece some, and I hope I have done well by all of your suggestions. I really tried to work on tying the two stories together a little better. I hope that came through. All suggestions are most welcome.


Thanks!

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Winter by the Sound

very moving story.