Thread: Cutting the Excess (Story Excerpt)

Mathew leaned forward and ran his hand through my short, black hair; his approach, no matter the intention, felt like a watered-down Sangria instead of a smooth, Crystal Head vodka. His hand caught, and my eyes narrowed in its direction; he pulled, but still, his hand stuck.

“Anne, what is taking you so long?” Mother said, pushing her ear up to the door.

I wrapped my hand around Mathew’s wrist and pulled, but his it remained tangled in my boyish hair. Mathew’s mouth dropped and his eyes blanked; he would be caught and I would be sent back to Russia as punishment. I would be refused my New York City.

“A minute, mama.” I said, and led Mathew quietly to my vanity. With a lightness of step, which I had thoroughly mastered after so many late-night escapes, I opened a drawer of the vanity and produced a pair of scissors. Mathew shifted uneasily as I positioned myself in front of the vanity mirror, angling my head in an attempt to decipher how an advantageous haircut could be made.

“You aren’t seriously going to…” Mathew said, his words fading. “Your hair’s already so short.”

I glanced at his reflection in the mirror and stared until he looked away, then lifted the top layer of my hair away from my face.

“You sound like my mother.” I said faintly, and chopped off the bottom later.

An imaginative scene, but I have some crits;

- I didn't like the use of ;. I think . would be more appropriate in most cases here.
- It seems strange that his hand is so irretrievably stuck if her hair is so short.
- It jumps from first person to third person omniscient to first person.
- repetition of vanity
- Incorrect English: 'but his it remained...' '... bottom later.'

Agree?