Thread: Sinterklaas and Pink Piet

This is a short story that I have written that I would like you to have a look at and critique. It was a writing assigment where I had to write three difference sections from three different points of view with three different styles to match those three points of view. 200 - 600 words per section. Togother they had to form one story.

Before I let you read it though I have to explain a few things as the story is referring to a Dutch festivity that you guys probably don't know. Sinterklaas is like a saint, he is roughly similar to Santa Clause, and the black Piet's are his helpers. He comes to our country bringing gifts to the children (similar to what Santa Claus does). The two Dutch lines that are in the story ('Hij komt hij komt die goede lieve sint' and 'wat brengt hij hier bij mij') are lines from a traditional Dutch song that children sing when he arrives in our country. It made no sense to translate them in the story but the first means 'He's comming, he's comming, that good sweet saint' and the second 'what will he bring to me'. Sinterklaas looks like this: http://www.sinterklaasopinternet.nl/...interklaas.jpg and Black Piet like this: http://www.huureenzwartepiet.nl/img/...eten_groep.jpg (in case anyone wonders, them being black is not a racial thing, it's because they keep going up and down chimney's and the sooth is said to color them like that).

I hope that explains enough, let me know what you think. It looses something in translation, but hopefully you guys will get the general idea.

Sinterklaas and Pink Piet

“It’s almost time, children. We will practice one more time.”

Ella sits next to her best friend, Eva, in the circle. Softly she pinches Eva’s hand and giggles. Eva does too.

“Eva! Ella!” Miss Margret calls out.

She sounds just like mama did, on the day Ella had drawn on the floor. A very pretty butterfly, but mama wasn’t pleased. When they both look at the teacher again, she smiles. She’s not angry, but teachers never get angry. Mama’s do.

The children have practiced the song every day and even three times today. It’s very important. The teacher has explained in over and over again. In a few minutes the mama’s and papa’s will come and will take them to city hall. It’s that big building down town that looks like a castle. There will be lots of people there, because it’s a party. Black Piet’s will come and take them to Sinterklaas. The teacher always tells them not to go anywhere with strangers, but with these Piet’s it’s allowed.

Yesterday a Black Piet came to school. A very special one, as he was wearing black and pink. There aren’t that many Pink Piet’s, and pink is Ella’s favorite color. For a moment Eva cried, and Ella didn’t understand, but when she got candy it soon passed. Magical candy, just like the candy her dad uses to fix a sore knee. If only all Piet’s would be pink, but the teacher says it wouldn’t be fair. Some children like red Piet’s and other’s blue ones. Ella thinks that’s strange, there’s nothing better than pink.

“Hij komt, hij komt, die lieve goede sint…”

The teacher sings. Her voice sounds just like Tweety, nana’s bird, but Tweety’s dead. Ella joins in loudly. Yesterday she sang loud too. Pink Piet listened carefully, as Piet’s always do. Just like Sinterklaas. He smiled and told them that they had sung beautifully. Ella had sung the loudest and he made her his helper. He gave her a pink cap. Tommy took that from her this morning. That was mean. The teacher made him give it back. Ella told him that he could wear it for a while. He did and then he put it back on her head. He looked at her as seriously as Pink Piet had done and they both laughed so hard.

“… wat brengt hij hier bij mij.”

It’s silent. Everyone looks at the teacher. It takes a long time, a very long time, just like on her birthday. Nobody was allowed to eat cake until everyone had a piece. The teacher smiles. You have all sung very well, she says, Sinterklaas will be pleased.

All the children laugh and Ella straightens her cap. She will be the best helper.

“Daddy, daddy, daddy,” Eva calls out and jumps up. She runs to the window and so do some of the other children. The teacher tells them to wait until their mama’s and papa’s come to get them. Ella stares at the window. Eva’s papa, Johan’s mama and even Anthony’s sister, but not her papa. Slowly she walks up to the window. He is late. He will come, she tells the teacher and she nods. He’s been late before, as he’s very busy, but he always comes. Papa promised. He will never forget her, like mama did. That’s why Ella’s not scared. Papa’s never lie.



“ In the Waranda, a nature resort and park, in Helmond the police have found the remains of a young girl…”

Annoyed Ferry turns of the radio. He’s not in the mood for it. The statement requesting a Care Order for Gideon and Rianne must be given to the admin by two p.m, so it can be send to court today. The radio is just a distraction and he needs to focus. He must leave on time. Ella is waiting for him and he’s been late twice this week. Ferry rolls his eyes; what a guy. Guardian for abused children; he confronts the parents with their behavior, engages them with compassion, positions the child by pointing out the consequences, but for his Ella he can’t even show up on time. The Guardian as a juggler, but sometimes he drops one and too often that’s Ella. It’s how it works, in the end the children are the ones that pay the price. He sighs and refocuses on the statement. “In December 2009 the parents made the decision to continue their relationship. In January 2010 the mother left rehab prematurely where she had been admitted voluntarily.”

Linda’s admission had not been voluntary. Ferry had insisted, he had used all his professional arguments, and even some that he would have considered inappropriate as a professional. He had emphasized the consequences for her health; the damage to her kidneys and liver… her life. So what, was all she said. He had used her guilt, Ella. How confusing this was to her, how she cried when her mum ‘forgot’ her, how she waited for hours, how she hid behind the sofa during Linda’s outburst and how her voice had trembled when she had phoned and told him that she couldn’t wake mama up. Linda had cried bitter tears, until he suggested that they should talk to an alcohol councilor. She gave him one more angry glare before she locked herself into her room. Eventually he threatened that she would never see Ella again. She blew up! She smashed up the house and him along with it. She wouldn’t go and that was it. He should have carried out his threat, but he couldn’t. Eventually a judge ordered her to go to rehab after she had been arrested for drunk driving.

Ferry looks at the clock and moans, a quarter passed two. Fuck! He finishes his last sentence and sends the statement by email to the admin with his humble apologies and the urgent request to process it today anyway. They will, of course they will. Ever since they know Linda is in rehab the ladies of the admin will do anything for him. The statement isn’t half as good as he would like it to be, as they expect of him, but that is what his life is now; half. Half a Guardian, half a dad and sometimes even half a mum, but never good enough. Always one step behind, always too late, and always that nagging sense of what should have been. His beautiful Ella deserves so much more. And she is the one who looks at him with big eyes and tells him he is the best daddy in the whole world. Quickly he shuts down the computer. He jumps up, grabs his coat and runs out of the room. A second later he returns. He forgot the colorful Sinterklaas gift; bought by the admin Lies to whom he has given Ella’s wish list. He hasn’t read it.



Alone in my lodge I gaze into the ancient mirror and see his eyes, they reflect mine just like mine reflect his. An endless reflection between him and me; seductive and hypnotizing. I know what he wants, what he desires, always without questions, as I desire it too. I know his request and I will meet his demands, like I always have. Staring into his eyes I put on my uniform and apply make up until I reach perfection. In the mirror the Black Piet of yesterday arises; a smooth complexion, black like a domain without light, red lips like those of a woman and that same pink suit. That is how I leave the house, ready for what this day must bring.

Despite the crowd the child stands out to me like a rotting corpse in a flower meadow. It wears a white garment with a red ribbon and a pink spotted pattern, faked innocence. It holds the hand of the father as if it’s sucked onto him and pulls. Apparently it wants to move to be closer to Sinterklaas, but the father is preoccupied with an, obviously important, phone all. Like a true leach it allows him no peace, it wants his attention, it wants to move forward… it wants, it wants, it wants. Not for a second does it considers what he does or doesn’t want. It confirms what the man in the mirror has known all along, he has picked the right child. Like an etiologist he has observed and analyzed her for weeks, and has seen the same behavior every time. First the mother, who was drained completely by the child, and now the father, who will suffer the same faith. The father needs to be protected.

“Did you practice the song well, little helper?” I ask the child and show a smile. Like with the children before this one it works as it smiles back. All around us Piet’s collect children to take them to sing for Sinterklaas. I hold out my hand, but the child looks at the father. “It’s okay, darling,” he says, “go on!” and the child accepts my hand. I walk through the crowd, which shelters us from the searching eyes of the father, to the edge of the marketplace and I feel the hand hesitating. I turn around. “We’ll just walk to the other side as it’s less crowded there,” I say and the hand gives in. Children are so stupid and so damn innocent, an innocence that can’t be, that could never be. Around the corner my van awaits, with all my equipment, and I notice that the street is empty. They have all gone to the marketplace, just like they should. I am an exterminator, nothing more and nothing less, a simple man who offers his services to society. One exterminates ants, the other wasps, but I… I exterminate leaches.

The last perspective really held my interest, like it was some intense mission. The others weren't as interestingly crafted

i agree with helium.

Thanks for responding I did enjoy writing the last most.

The Nature of the story is fragmented, though I suppose that is to be expected given the reading assignment. I felt myself kind of interested in the story, enough to continue wading into it. Please understand, however, that the last section is not very good. I felt like the character was just thrown in there to amp up a shock value. The real story, and conflict, is between Ella and her father and her mother. The Pink Piet, however, seems like some random guy who suddenly knows everything. It just doesn't fit within the parameters of the story. Really, it's just shock value. And though the prose was a little confusing at times, I am much more interested in the relationship between the father and the daughter. The pink piet is too much of a cop out.

Speaking of which, Sinterklaus and Pink Piet: I understand why you used this title, but like I mentioned before, pink piet is a deus ex machina, and Sinterklaus... well, it's used with a smug irony that doesn't really fit the story. I get how you wanted to relate the father to Sinterklaus, but it doesn't work. I don't see him as sinterklaus. I see him as a flawed man that has to resolve the issue with his daughter. Also, the innocent viewpoint of the child doesn't add much to the conflict.

Really, the story is about the father's difficulty with his daughter. Most of the meat is held in the second part. I would prefer it if the second part were the sole story. But again, given the circumstances of the assignment, understandable.