Thread: The dancers

A one hundred word scene. I find the discipline of limited words helps produce interesting work. Do you like this?

Moving in unison, the dancers hands slowly described arcs across their young silk-clad bodies. Hips swaying, they stepped toward each other, eyes locked. Men leered over tables of drinks, drooling with the promise of their fantasies. Rhythm, dancers, faster. Sweat and smoke filled the room. The music peaked, the men leaned in, willing them on. Circling close, spinning, the girls bodies became one. With tease calculated perfection it ended. The girls scurried from view. A moments silence, then cheers and a rattle of coins hitting the floor. The owner smiled and sent boys to collect his wealth.

I am hesitant to review such a short work of fiction. You say that limiting yourself to 100 words produces interesting results, and that's true. But writing micro-fiction such as this is extremely difficult to do successfully or interestingly. What's more... the temptation to dash off a 100 words piece of fiction and post it for review is very great. And the returns upon recieving review after such a piece of fiction is written are very little...

I'm not sure there is anything to be gained from reviewing a piece such as this, other than an ego stroking. I apologize if this offends. I do not mean to do so.

However, to comply with your request of review, the story seems to try to tantalize with description of scantily clad girls. There's no character description. And no plot. It seems more like a scene description rather than a story. And if you are going to write a piece of micro-fiction, it still has to have all the elements of a story, all the elements you would normally place in a novel, but compressed into the space of 100 words.

Like I said, extremely difficult. And very little gain, other than the satisfaction of being able to write one.

Thanks for reading. Lol

Originally Posted by tunnel

Moving in unison, the dancers hands...

I liked it, but I think anything so short should have correct punctuation. "Dancer's" possessive. That made me think it was really amateur from the start although it redeemed itself.

Actually, Misterchris, since there are multiple girls, the correct form is dancers' ... with apostrophe after the S.

Tunnel, I don't see why folks are being so hard on your effort. You did exactly what you set out to do, and I think you did it well. It is what it is, and doesn't claim to be anything else. You said at the outset you were posting a "scene." I saw it in my mind, so I think you succeeded. I saw the men eagerly ogling the dancers, as they would, saw the girls scurrying off, as they usually do, and was mildly amused at the owner being anxious to collect a small amount of money, as he would. Worked fine for me, though the punctuation could use improvement here and there.

I really like this phrase: drooling with the promise of their fantasies

Originally Posted by Phyllis

Actually, Misterchris, since there are multiple girls, the correct form is dancers' ... with apostrophe after the S.

Ah, thank you.

Hi Tunnel,

It doesn't read like a complete scene to me. With the distant point of view, generic description, and lack of tension, it reads more like a paragraph within a scene, but is mostly description. Perhaps seeing it in context would help.

Originally Posted by tunnel

Thanks for reading. Lol

I'm impressed.

I have a much better opinion of you now, tunnel.

Though I am a bit uncomfortable with depictions of scantily clad girls, the scene, I feel, is a scene. So I guess you got what you wanted with this. I am interested in seeing how you would handle a longer piece.

I enjoyed it. You set out what you were trying to accomplish and you did it well. I felt like I was a part of the scene and I enjoyed the ride it brought me on, however short it may have been.

I think this is an interesting idea. I once set myself a task. On my computer I have a folder of pictures called 'Inspiration' and I decided to start at the beginning and make a story of one A5 page (2-300 words) for each. I got as far as four, but the experience was valuable and I might do more some time. One way this may be made more useful is to take a little longer, say 300 words, and try to include enough elements for it to be considered a true story. That said, I did enjoy this little vignette, one or two punctuation issues aside.

As has been pointed out, this is a short piece. Short or not, it's well written and lyrical. It looks like a publisher's excerpt, viz. it feels professional. String enough sentences like this together, make it meaningful, and it's publishable.