Thread: When was the last time you two spoke? (Language)

Just part of something I wrote up today. It may become a full short story depending on it's success. Please tell me what you think, any input at all is appreciated.
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“Why are you looking at me like that?” asked Carmine, seventeen years old, his blue sleeves wrinkled as he lifted his hands to his chest, confused.

“Because you’re despicable.” responded Leo, also seventeen, in an aggravated manner.

“Despicable?”

“Yeah… despicable!” yelled Leo, Carmine jumped at the surprise of his friend’s raised voice. Even Leo shocked himself.

“How so?” asked Carmine.

“How many times did I ask you not to do it? How many times?”

“Twice, but…”

“Twice, but you know what? I could have said it a million, trillion times and it wouldn’t have made a difference to you.” Leo stated putting his hands in his blue jacket’s pockets.

“I couldn’t help it.” They stayed silent for a moment. Leo’s anger slowly rising.

“Couldn’t help it. Un-fucking-believable! You know what’s gonna happen to me when the warden finds out? Solitary, that’s what! You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because he’s my roommate. He has no connection with you what-so-ever, and you’re gonna just go ahead and pull this shit! Especially after what happened last week, as if it couldn’t get any hotter.”

“I’m only human.” Leo laughed as these words left Carmine’s mouth. ‘He’s only human’, thought Leo. Its funny that people only say that when they fuck up real bad, he thought, you never hear someone say it when they win an election, save an orphan, or break a world record. They want to be treated like Superman after accomplishing something, but when you mess up, they’re just human, he laughed. Unreal.

Leo gave himself some time to cool down and breathe the anger out of his lungs. One more month, he thought, one more month and I’m gone. Don’t screw up, Leo, he thought, just one more month.

“Did he see you when it happened?” asked Leo.

“No.” responded Carmine.

“Did he say anything?”

“I don’t know.”

“What?”

“I don’t know, I get confused sometimes.”

“Don’t kid me, Car. Did he say anything?” Carmine took a deep breath.

“He kept screaming, ‘Stop it, Leo. Please stop it. Leo please.’”

Intriguing... want to read more! He screams Leo's name, not Carmine's. Would love to hear what comes next!

Thank you.

Agreed, you've got a nice style and now I'm hooked- what happens next? What happened before? More please...

This is some nice dialogue, but I would be careful of how I think prison inmates sound and speak. I was quite amazed at how proper the words were that came out of their mouths. This is good, meaning that you have a good grasp on grammar and language, but be careful that you don't use your grasp of grammar when it comes to dialogue.

For example, most individuals do not speak with perfect standard english in day to day communication, particularly when angry. Also, you can tighten and improve on the redundancy of the language with a little tweaking. For example(and this is just my take. Do as you wish)

"Disgusting."

"What now?"

"You! Motherfucker! Gonna listen next time I tell you? Tell you not to do something so--fucking stupid. Disgusting."

"Hey! I'm human! I'm not gonna--He was you're fucking roommate! You were gonna get in trouble--"

"I fucking know what I was gonna get into! Don't you fucking know what I was--?!" ... "Fuck it... Just fuck it. Fuck! Solitary Man! Goddamn Solitary! FUCK YOU!"

"I'm only human."

"I know."

* * *

Please note the colloquialisms, the broken sentences, the repetition of phrases. The shorter sentences, the run on sentences. All of them are more indicative of real speech. A good practice session is to take a notepad into a public place and simple listen to how people express themselves. That'll give you ideas. (Also, I apologize for the language.)

Originally Posted by Nicholas.

“I’m only human.” Leo laughed as these words left Carmine’s mouth. ‘He’s only human’, thought Leo. Its funny that people only say that when they fuck up real bad, he thought, you never hear someone say it when they win an election, save an orphan, or break a world record. They want to be treated like Superman after accomplishing something, but when you mess up, they’re just human, he laughed. Unreal.

I loved this part. It says a great deal about the human condition IMO. I'm as intrigued as Phyllis to see where this goes =)

Indeed. It has a lot of potential. I'm particularly curious as to what exactly is going on, and what exactly the roommate did.

Thanks a lot Die Oldhaetunde. The dialogue you wrote was awesome by the way. I see what you mean about the whole realistic approach to it too.