Thread: In Fragments. An Excerpt.

This is the opening page of something I'm working on, I'm 17, and this is sort of a first attempt. Be gentle, or don't. This seems lighthearted, but the rest is far from it.
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It was a nice place. Beige carpets and cream walls, complimented by beautifully crafted white wood-work. Only in a house like this you’d figure the snobbiest, most cynical people would reside. Though, like most gossip, this couldn’t be farthest from the truth.
- - -

“I’m telling you,” said Donnie, no older than eighteen, “Pierce Brosnan was the best Bond, hands down.”

“Hands down?” repeated Ryan, Donnie’s older brother of thirty years, or as far as Donnie was concerned, his father, “don’t even look in this direction after that comment.”

“What makes you think I even wanna look at you,” joked Donnie, who continued to help his brother fill out birthday invitations. Well actually, Donnie would only say the names and addresses of the guests, while Ryan would hurry to write it all down as quick as he could. It was a cycle.

“Mary Shith,” announced Donnie, “seven-oh-nine Eastern Drive. Or wait, is this a seven or a one?” asked Donnie, who turned the paper toward his brother’s face, an inch away from his nose. He backed away a little bit to put it into focus.

“It’s a one, and it isn’t ‘Shith’ you illiterate,” he laughed, “its ‘Smith‘, learn how to read,” he turned to write it down.

“Maybe you should learn how to write, the ‘M’ looked like an ‘H’,” he chuckled, “Shith, what a dumb name,” he continued to laugh.

“Come on, man, stop joking, we’ve been here for an hour and we’ve done like,” he pointed his finger toward the stack over in the corner, counting them in his head, “like twenty.”

“Shith.” he repeated.

“Come on…,”

“Alright, here we go--- hold on I lost my place--- here. Okay, Abigail Smith. Or Shith, I can’t tell,”

“One more time…,”

17! Oh my goodness. I'm glad you've found a place to share your work and expand on ideas and styles. I loved how you brought the characters to life immediately with conversation and lighthearted fun over the best Bond. Great job! You may wish to add a few lines of narrative here and there to break up the quoted conversations a bit and broaden the readers understanding of the characters background, etc... I do love your detailed writing. The description of the room in subtle but nice detail. Keep it up, I'd love to read more.

Hello, Nicholas. Comments are in Red. I'll correct or comment on anything that seems funny to me. My grammar is far from perfect though, so if I tell you something is wrong in that department, you might do yourself well to double-check my correction. Most of the time, I'm likely right, but it never hurts. Nice to see other young authors around this place, by the way.

Originally Posted by Nicholas.

This is the opening page of something I'm working on, I'm 17, and this is sort of a first attempt. Be gentle, or don't I call 'em like I see 'em.. This seems lighthearted, but the rest is far from it.
____
It was a nice place. Beige carpets and cream walls, complimented by beautifully crafted white wood-work. Only in a house like this you’d figure the snobbiest, most cynical people would reside Slightly confusing wording. I think what you're trying to get across is, "You'd figure only the snobbiest, most cynical people would reside in a house like this." It's not that hard to puzzle out, but if the prose is distracting from getting the point across, then something's wrong.. Though, like most gossip, this couldn’t be farthest further from the truth. I'm not sure it's gossip, really. Just assumption or cliche.
- - -

“I’m telling you,” said Donnie, no older than eighteen, “Pierce Brosnan was the best Bond, hands down.”

“Hands down?” repeated Ryan, Donnie’s older brother of thirty years, or as far as Donnie was concerned, his father, As you put a question mark at the end of the first quote, you're better off placing a stop here and just capitalizing "Don't." “don’t even look in this direction after that comment.”

“What makes you think I even wanna look at you,” joked Donnie, who continued to help his brother fill out birthday invitations. Well actually, Donnie would only say the names and addresses of the guests, while Ryan would hurry to write Scribble, perhaps? it all down as quick as he could. It was a cycle.

“Mary Shith,” announced DonnieStop. Capitalize., “seven-oh-nine Eastern Drive. Or wait, is this a seven or a one?” asked Donnie, who turned Could change to "turning" instead. the paper toward his brother’s face, an inch away from his nose. He Probably should name the acting character here in order to avoid any possible confusion. backed away a little bit to put it into focus.

“It’s a one, and it isn’t ‘Shith’ you illiterate,” he laughed, “its ‘Smith‘, learn how to read, Stop. Capitalize the next word. New sentence.” he turned to write it down.

“Maybe you should learn how to write, the ‘M’ looked like an ‘H’,” he Who? The new paragraph and the fact that this reads like a comeback lead me to think you changed speaker, but this isn't stated. chuckled, “Shith, what a dumb name,Probably place an exclamation mark, and then capitalize the next. Getting the routine?” he continued to laugh.

“Come on, man, stop joking, we’ve been here for an hour and we’ve done like,” he pointed his finger toward the stack over in the corner At this point just going to ask, corner of what? I know you mean room, but you've done no description of what all this place is outside of the blurb at the start; I don't even know if these clowns are working at a table or a desk or on the floor., counting them in his head, “like twenty.”

“Shith.” he Must name characters. repeated.

“Come on…,Scrap the comma, stop. Or combine with the next paragraph if the speaker is the same.”

“Alright, here we go--- hold on I lost my place--- here. Okay, Abigail Smith. Or Shith, I can’t tell,”

“One more time…,Take a wild guess.”

My thoughts?

It's too much of an excerpt. It's not bad- quite good really and you appear to have a knack for dialogue- but the overall lack of scenery as it proceeds is bothersome. As I was once told, you want to story to kind of play like a movie in your head (well, the reader's head; you probably see it all fine in your head- it's the translation of that to the page where the difficulty appears.) What you've got here fails that test, being really just a pair of stick figures trading lines.

Do continue. Try to fill out with description not exclusively of your characters' actions. Good luck.

Originally Posted by Vertigo

Hello, Nicholas. Comments are in Red. I'll correct or comment on anything that seems funny to me. My grammar is far from perfect though, so if I tell you something is wrong in that department, you might do yourself well to double-check my correction. Most of the time, I'm likely right, but it never hurts. Nice to see other young authors around this place, by the way.



My thoughts?

It's too much of an excerpt. It's not bad- quite good really and you appear to have a knack for dialogue- but the overall lack of scenery as it proceeds is bothersome. As I was once told, you want to story to kind of play like a movie in your head (well, the reader's head; you probably see it all fine in your head- it's the translation of that to the page where the difficulty appears.) What you've got here fails that test, being really just a pair of stick figures trading lines.

Do continue. Try to fill out with description not exclusively of your characters' actions. Good luck.

Thanks for the help. I know exactly what you mean. I'll try to re-write it as soon as I can. Oh, and thanks Colden for the kind words. Actually, I'll be 17 in december. I'm really only 16.