Thread: My Own Worst Enemy - Novel excerpt

This is an excerpt from a story I've been working on casually for a while now. It's called "My Own Worst Enemy" and it's an excerpt from Chapter one. I decided to put it up for everyone to (hopefully) enjoy. Cheers

My Own Worst Enemy
A relationship in progress
It had been a long day for Erin Kemper; as she was getting ready to turn in for the night. Working at an office wasn't how she wanted her life to turn out, but it was giving her the funds she needed for her dream of becoming an author. Erin tried falling asleep, but couldn't. Staring at the ceiling, Erin knew something was niggling at her but she knew if she addressed it, her plans for a good nights sleep would be dashed yet again. As Erin struggled with her dilemma, she slowly fell asleep.

"I'VE GOT IT!" a voice thundered throughout the bedroom.

Erin looked across from her to see Chuck Magnum, the main character from her novel lying next to her. Ever since Erin started her novel, "Deadline to murder" Chuck Magnum had become a helpful, although somewhat annoying presence in her life. It was a relationship in progress. Erin quickly learned Chuck would come out of nowhere, pestering her about the story when she didn't have the time or desire to write. At the same time, when Erin did write, Chuck was never around.

"You know, I'm not entirely sold on the idea of a mysterious woman coming to my office offering me the case. Don't you think that's a bit old hat?" Chuck asked while drinking from a flask.
"Chuck, I really need some sleep. Can we talk about this tomorrow morning?" Erin begged him, turning to her side and putting a pillow over her head.
"All I'm saying is that you could come up with something different. Maybe an orphan turns up at my place with a letter. Or the cops approach me about a delirious woman they found on the street and the only thing she had in her possession was an envelope full of cash and a note that says "Chuck Magnum" Chuck continued to converse, one-sidedley.

Erin lifted the pillow over her head. "Are you doing this because I put you in a small office in the backstreets of the city?" Erin asked.
"I'm glad you asked me that" Chuck cheerfully replied "If I'm some famous detective who gets the cases the police can't solve, I think I deserve something a little better. Perhaps a corporate office in a high rise building" Chuck casually stated.
"Because if you had a corporate office, everyone would know you're a famous detective. This would make solving cases harder for you because you'd have a public profile!" Erin replied through gritted teeth.
"You could always give me a secret....." Erin knew where Chuck was going with this.
"I am not giving you a secret identity" Erin angrily interrupted Chuck "We've already talked about this. Batman cornered that market. You need to deal with that. Now if you don't mind, it's 11.45 at night and I'm getting some sleep" With that, Erin turned around, closing her eyes. Erin felt that if she did this, Chuck would get the hint.
"I could whoop Batman's ass any day" Chuck sarcastically commented.
With that comment, Erin got up.

"That's it!" Erin stated, storming out of the bedroom and going to her computer. "I'm going to have you shot in the first chapter"
Chuck raced out of the room, getting on her knees at Erin's side.
"Erin, I'm sorry. All I want is a different way to start the case. If you can do that, I promise not to complain about the office." Chuck begged Erin.
"And will you stop bugging me about a secret identity?" Erin bargained.
Chuck sighed "I promise"
Erin had put up with a lot of Chuck's complaining about her novel. Erin also wondered if J.K Rowling had Sirius Black hounding her about being killed off.
With a deep breath, Erin started to rewrite the beginning. While Erin was doing this, Chuck was wandering around her kitchen. Finding a glass, Chuck poured out some whisky from his hip flask.
"Do you have any coke?" Chuck asked Erin.
"It's in the fridge" Erin replied.
Chuck went to the fridge. Finding the coke, he was also amused at some of the other contents he found.
"I think that Ravioli you made on Monday's going bad" Chuck observed. "Speaking of which, aren't you supposed to be on a diet?"
"And I suppose you'd like to be shot in the backside?" Erin dryly replied to Chuck's comment. Chuck took the hint and kept quiet.
Pulling up a chair, Chuck looked on as Erin changed the opening chapter of "Deadline to murder" As Erin made the final touches, Chuck was happy. Unfortunately, Erin didn't see this happiness due to falling asleep at the computer. Again. For the third time that week.

PART TWO
Erin was no stranger to waking up at 7 in the morning front of her computer. Writing a novel was one of those things that dictated when it wanted your attention. Erin would have normally panicked at waking up around this time, but it was Saturday. Erin looked across to see Chuck reading a newspaper and drinking a coffee.
"Chuck" Erin tiredly mumbled "I think I'll have today off from the novel. I need clothes for work"
"That's cool" Chuck said "By the way, Travis Norton's at Borders today signing copies of his new book" Chuck knew how much Erin liked Travis Norton.
"I guess clothes can wait" Erin decided.

After the usual morning ritual of a shower, picking an outfit and buying a breakfast muffin and coffee, Erin was on the train to see Travis Norton. Chuck was sitting next to her, playing a game on his mobile phone, while Erin read Travis Norton's latest book "Otaku Dude".
Chuck looked at Erin. Erin knew when Chuck had something to say in public, so she pulled out her mobile and pretended to answer a phone call, lest anyone see she was talking to herself.
"I don't know why you like Travis Norton" Chuck started.
"He's a popular author. You're just jealous that I created you instead of him" Erin replied.
"I'm jealous? Ok, I'm jealous because you created me instead of an anti-social drunk who is pissed off at the world for being a writer? He doesn't deserve it." Chuck argued.
"He's just misunderstood" Erin countered.
"They said the same thing about Charles Manson" Chuck sarcastically replied. Erin ignored this comment, put away the mobile phone and went back to reading "Otaku dude".
Chuck knew he'd hit a nerve, so he kept quiet for the rest of the train trip.

I really like the relationship between the characters, very fun to read.

"but it was giving her the funds she needed for her dream of becoming an" sounds a bit off to me, maybe try changing to "but it was providing the funds she needed to pursue her dream of becoming an author."

"Staring at the ceiling, Erin knew something was niggling(what kind of slang is that?) at her but she knew if she addressed it, her plans for a good nights sleep would be dashed yet again." I think it'd sound better like this.
"As she stares at the ceiling, Erin knew something was bothering her. But if she addressed it, her plans for a good nights sleep would be dashed yet again."

"Deadline to murder" capitalize the M in murder

"That's it!" Erin stated, storming out of the bedroom and going to her computer. "I'm going to have you shot in the first chapter" I love this, its really humorous.

"Erin had put up with a lot of Chuck's complaining about her novel. Erin also wondered if J.K Rowling had Sirius Black hounding her about being killed off."
I wouldn't start to connecting sentences with the same first word. Try connecting them instead.
"Erin had put up with a lot of Chuck's complaining about her novel and sometimes wondered if J.K Rowling had Sirius Black hounding her about being killed off."

"Again. For the third time that week." really effective use of sentence structure.

This is a great concept, keep it up.

First off I am a huge J.K. Rowling fan and love the reference and it was used in a wonderful fashion. When you talk about Chuck you mention he is lying beside Erin, then he is drinking from a flask. Perhaps in there you could mention when he sat up and pulled the flask from a pocket or something along those lines. Other than that and the wonderful suggestions mentioned above this has real potential. I also enjoyed the part where she picked up the phone so she didn't appear to be talking to herself, very modern and hilarious. Good work!

This is great! You caught my attention with the clever and believable dialogue. I was eager to read on and felt some disappointment that it came to an end. I would love to read more!

Nerot

It was cool, the idea was ripped straight from the film Paper Man though. I don't know if that's a coincidence or you purposely took it. Either way, I like it.

Seriously? I didn't even know there was a film based on this premise. Oh crap, back to the old drawing board for me

I like this. It is so different from anything I've read before, so unique.

I did, however, notice that you aren't using commas or periods before or after your quotations the majority of the time.

I love this. It is so clever! I dont have any other meaningful feedback, but I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed reading this. It made me smile, kept me interested, and I identified with the whole situation.

This is a terrific idea for a story! And you write it so well! This is a novel I would want to buy!
And don't worry that something like it has been done before. There probably is no idea for story that has not been done, so don't waste time trying to come up with one. Stick with this. It's the way you tell it and what will happen with the characters that will make it unique, not just the premise!

Incredibly infectious. Am I correct in assuming that a romance is brewing between chuck and the main character? If so, that would make things a bit... well--bizarre. Although the romance could easily be solved by writing it into the the novel that the main character is writing, I have a feeling that you are going to take this into a different direction.

There is nothing wrong with the way you write that you can not fix yourself in successive editing sessions. And the premise is a good one. But the psychological implications of the story... Are very interesting. I almost want to write a book myself, just to explore them.

Thanks for the positive feedback on "My own worst enemy" =) I was very nervous posting this at first but now I'm glad I did. I admit the mechanics of what I've written so far need to be hammered out further but what I'm focusing on now is getting the overall story set out first.

No problem, Milhouse. I myself am a bit nervous about my own short story, Die Kaeltierglü. It's one of those things that you'll never know until you get someone else's feedback, I guess.

Hi there,

I really enjoyed this, it was funny, clever and clearly well thought out. I am unfamilar with the 'Paper Man' that somebody had mentioned before so this is an entirely new concept for me!

Two things for me were, you seemed to enjoy mentioning Erin by name which got a little repetitive, particularly at the beginning, don't be afraid to substitute 'Erin' with 'she' at points. It can be difficult to draw a happy medium between using 'she' too much and not using it enough but I am sure you would catch on.

I also wasn't fully understanding of why Chuck would be jealous of the other writer and hoped you could explain that to me?

This was very interesting and I cannot wait to read more!

Originally Posted by Milhouse2011

This is an excerpt from a story I've been working on casually for a while now. It's called "My Own Worst Enemy" and it's an excerpt from Chapter one. I decided to put it up for everyone to (hopefully) enjoy. Cheers

My Own Worst Enemy
A relationship in progress
It had been a long day for Erin Kemper; as she was getting ready to turn in for the night. Working at an office wasn't how she wanted her life to turn out, but it was giving her the funds she needed for paid the bills while she pursued her dream of becoming an author. Erin tried falling asleep, but couldn't sleep. Staring at the ceiling, Erin knew Something was niggling bothering her but she knew if she addressed it, her plans for a good nights sleep would be dashed yet again. As Erin struggled with her dilemma, she slowly fell asleep.

"I'VE GOT IT!" a voice thundered throughout the bedroom.

Erin looked across from her to see Chuck Magnum, the main character from her novel lying next to her. Ever since Erin started her novel, "Deadline to murder" Chuck Magnum had become a helpful, although somewhat annoying presence in her life. It was a relationship in progress. Erin quickly learned Chuck would come out of nowhere, pestering her about the story when she didn't have the time or desire to write. At the same time, when Erin did write, Chuck was never around.

"You know, I'm not entirely sold on the idea of a mysterious woman coming to my office offering me the case. Don't you think that's a bit old hat?" Chuck asked while drinking from a flask.
"Chuck, I really need some sleep. Can we talk about this tomorrow morning?" Erin begged him, turning to her side and putting a pillow over her head.
"All I'm saying is that you could come up with something different. Maybe an orphan turns up at my place with a letter. Or the cops approach me about a delirious woman they found on the street and the only thing she had in her possession was an envelope full of cash and a note that says "Chuck Magnum" Chuck continued to converse, one-sidedley.

Okay, this is really cool. You've got my interest now! Unfortunately, I need to go help coach the tennis team at my daughter's high school! I'll come back to this later when I have some time. For now, I'd just say, tighten it up a bit but you seem to be headed in an interesting direction. Cheers, FS

Erin lifted the pillow over her head. "Are you doing this because I put you in a small office in the backstreets of the city?" Erin asked.
"I'm glad you asked me that" Chuck cheerfully replied "If I'm some famous detective who gets the cases the police can't solve, I think I deserve something a little better. Perhaps a corporate office in a high rise building" Chuck casually stated.
"Because if you had a corporate office, everyone would know you're a famous detective. This would make solving cases harder for you because you'd have a public profile!" Erin replied through gritted teeth.
"You could always give me a secret....." Erin knew where Chuck was going with this.
"I am not giving you a secret identity" Erin angrily interrupted Chuck "We've already talked about this. Batman cornered that market. You need to deal with that. Now if you don't mind, it's 11.45 at night and I'm getting some sleep" With that, Erin turned around, closing her eyes. Erin felt that if she did this, Chuck would get the hint.
"I could whoop Batman's ass any day" Chuck sarcastically commented.
With that comment, Erin got up.

"That's it!" Erin stated, storming out of the bedroom and going to her computer. "I'm going to have you shot in the first chapter"
Chuck raced out of the room, getting on her knees at Erin's side.
"Erin, I'm sorry. All I want is a different way to start the case. If you can do that, I promise not to complain about the office." Chuck begged Erin.
"And will you stop bugging me about a secret identity?" Erin bargained.
Chuck sighed "I promise"
Erin had put up with a lot of Chuck's complaining about her novel. Erin also wondered if J.K Rowling had Sirius Black hounding her about being killed off.
With a deep breath, Erin started to rewrite the beginning. While Erin was doing this, Chuck was wandering around her kitchen. Finding a glass, Chuck poured out some whisky from his hip flask.
"Do you have any coke?" Chuck asked Erin.
"It's in the fridge" Erin replied.
Chuck went to the fridge. Finding the coke, he was also amused at some of the other contents he found.
"I think that Ravioli you made on Monday's going bad" Chuck observed. "Speaking of which, aren't you supposed to be on a diet?"
"And I suppose you'd like to be shot in the backside?" Erin dryly replied to Chuck's comment. Chuck took the hint and kept quiet.
Pulling up a chair, Chuck looked on as Erin changed the opening chapter of "Deadline to murder" As Erin made the final touches, Chuck was happy. Unfortunately, Erin didn't see this happiness due to falling asleep at the computer. Again. For the third time that week.

PART TWO
Erin was no stranger to waking up at 7 in the morning front of her computer. Writing a novel was one of those things that dictated when it wanted your attention. Erin would have normally panicked at waking up around this time, but it was Saturday. Erin looked across to see Chuck reading a newspaper and drinking a coffee.
"Chuck" Erin tiredly mumbled "I think I'll have today off from the novel. I need clothes for work"
"That's cool" Chuck said "By the way, Travis Norton's at Borders today signing copies of his new book" Chuck knew how much Erin liked Travis Norton.
"I guess clothes can wait" Erin decided.

After the usual morning ritual of a shower, picking an outfit and buying a breakfast muffin and coffee, Erin was on the train to see Travis Norton. Chuck was sitting next to her, playing a game on his mobile phone, while Erin read Travis Norton's latest book "Otaku Dude".
Chuck looked at Erin. Erin knew when Chuck had something to say in public, so she pulled out her mobile and pretended to answer a phone call, lest anyone see she was talking to herself.
"I don't know why you like Travis Norton" Chuck started.
"He's a popular author. You're just jealous that I created you instead of him" Erin replied.
"I'm jealous? Ok, I'm jealous because you created me instead of an anti-social drunk who is pissed off at the world for being a writer? He doesn't deserve it." Chuck argued.
"He's just misunderstood" Erin countered.
"They said the same thing about Charles Manson" Chuck sarcastically replied. Erin ignored this comment, put away the mobile phone and went back to reading "Otaku dude".
Chuck knew he'd hit a nerve, so he kept quiet for the rest of the train trip.

See above comments in quote. Nice start.