Thread: My Own Worst Enemy - Novel excerpt

Originally Posted by Milhouse2011

This is an excerpt from a story I've been working on casually for a while now. It's called "My Own Worst Enemy" and it's an excerpt from Chapter one. I decided to put it up for everyone to (hopefully) enjoy. Cheers

My Own Worst Enemy
A relationship in progress
It had been a long day for Erin Kemper; as she was getting ready to turn in for the night. Working at an office wasn't how she wanted her life to turn out, but it was giving her the funds she needed for her dream of becoming an author. Erin tried falling asleep, but couldn't. Staring at the ceiling, Erin knew something was niggling at her but she knew if she addressed it, her plans for a good nights sleep would be dashed yet again. As Erin struggled with her dilemma, she slowly fell asleep.

"I'VE GOT IT!" a voice thundered throughout the bedroom.

Erin looked across from her to see Chuck Magnum, the main character from her novel lying next to her. Ever since Erin started her novel, "Deadline to murder" Chuck Magnum had become a helpful, although somewhat annoying presence in her life. It was a relationship in progress. Erin quickly learned Chuck would come out of nowhere, pestering her about the story when she didn't have the time or desire to write. At the same time, when Erin did write, Chuck was never around.

"You know, I'm not entirely sold on the idea of a mysterious woman coming to my office offering me the case. Don't you think that's a bit old hat?" Chuck asked while drinking from a flask.
"Chuck, I really need some sleep. Can we talk about this tomorrow morning?" Erin begged him, turning to her side and putting a pillow over her head.
"All I'm saying is that you could come up with something different. Maybe an orphan turns up at my place with a letter. Or the cops approach me about a delirious woman they found on the street and the only thing she had in her possession was an envelope full of cash and a note that says "Chuck Magnum" Chuck continued to converse, one-sidedley.

Erin lifted the pillow over her head. "Are you doing this because I put you in a small office in the backstreets of the city?" Erin asked.
"I'm glad you asked me that" Chuck cheerfully replied "If I'm some famous detective who gets the cases the police can't solve, I think I deserve something a little better. Perhaps a corporate office in a high rise building" Chuck casually stated. Once you say "Chuck replied etc..." you don't have to later let us know it's still Chuck replying, stating...
"Because if you had a corporate office, everyone would know you're a famous detective. This would make solving cases harder for you because you'd have a public profile!" Erin replied through gritted teeth.
"You could always give me a secret....." Erin knew where Chuck was going with this.
"I am not giving you a secret identity" Erin angrily interrupted Chuck "We've already talked about this. Batman cornered that market. You need to deal with that. Now if you don't mind, it's 11.45 at night and I'm getting some sleep" With that, Erin turned around, closing her eyes. Erin hoped felt that if she did this, Chuck would get the hint.
"I could whoop Batman's ass any day" Chuck sarcastically commented.
With that comment, Erin got up.

"That's it!" Erin stated, storming out of the bedroom and going to her computer. "I'm going to have you shot in the first chapter"
Chuck raced out of the room, getting on her knees at Erin's side???.
"Erin, I'm sorry. All I want is a different way to start the case. If you can do that, I promise not to complain about the office." Chuck begged Erin.
"And will you stop bugging me about a secret identity?" Erin bargained.
Chuck sighed "I promise"
Erin had put up with a lot of Chuck's complaining about her novel. Erin also She wondered if J.K Rowling had Sirius Black hounding her about being killed off.
With a deep breath, Erin started to rewrite the beginning. While Erin she was doing this, Chuck was wandered around her kitchen. Finding a glass, Chuck He poured out some whisky from his hip flask into a glass.
"Do you have any coke?" Chuck asked Erin. Assume your readers are smart enough to know who is talking to whom. Dialogue between only two people, can go pages without identifying who is speaking.
"It's in the fridge" Erin replied.
Chuck went to the fridge. Finding the coke, he was also amused at some of the other contents he found.
"I think that Ravioli you made on Monday's going bad" Chuck observed. "Speaking of which, aren't you supposed to be on a diet?" I really loving the contrast in characters here, btw. Great dynamic.
"And I suppose you'd like to be shot in the backside?" Erin dryly replied to Chuck's comment. Chuck took the hint and kept quiet.
Pulling up a chair, Chuck looked on as Erin changed the opening chapter of "Deadline to murder" As Erin made the final touches, Chuck was happy. Unfortunately, Erin didn't see this happiness due to falling as she'd fallen asleep at the computer. Again. For the third time that week.

PART TWO
Erin was no stranger to waking up at 7 in the morning front of her computer. Writing a novel was one of those things that dictated when it wanted your attention. Erin would have normally panicked at waking up around this time, but it was Saturday. Erin She looked across to see Chuck reading a newspaper and drinking a coffee.
"Chuck" Erin tiredly mumbled "I think I'll have today off from the novel. I need clothes for work"
"That's cool" Chuck said "By the way, Travis Norton's at Borders today signing copies of his new book" Chuck knew how much Erin liked Travis Norton.
"I guess clothes can wait" Erin decided.

After the usual morning ritual of a shower, picking an outfit and buying a breakfast muffin and coffee, Erin was on the train to see Travis Norton. Chuck was sitting next to her, playing a game on his mobile phone, while Erin read Travis Norton's latest book "Otaku Dude".
Chuck looked at Erin. Erin knew when Chuck had something to say in public, gave Erin "the look" that meant he wanted to talk in public, so she pulled out her mobile and pretended to answer a phone call, lest anyone see she was talking to herself.
"I don't know why you like Travis Norton" Chuck started.
"He's a popular author. You're just jealous that I created you instead of him" Erin replied.
"I'm jealous? Ok, I'm jealous because you created me instead of an anti-social drunk who is pissed off at the world for being a writer? He doesn't deserve it." Chuck argued.
"He's just misunderstood" Erin countered.
"They said the same thing about Charles Manson" Chuck sarcastically replied. Erin ignored this comment, put away the mobile phone and went back to reading "Otaku dude".
Chuck knew he'd hit a nerve, so he kept quiet for the rest of the train trip.

I like this idea. I'd love it if she got caught up in something in real life and he saves her bacon. How many words do you have into this now?

I really enjoyed your writing. I think that the connection between the two characters is quite brilliant.

I would however caution using all the "replying, sarcastically commented, asked". For me personally, it breaks the flow and we know who is talking to whom and we can infer from what they are saying what their emotions are at the time.

I like it. It's very different from most books. The one thing I didn't grasp and this could just be me but I didn't get a sense of what the book was going to be about. I always feel that the first chapter should start to lay out some background info about the people in it and start to explain the plot. Hope this helps

Jacob

Wow! That was awesome! I loved the line about killing him off in the first chapter. The whole premise of an imaginary detective knowing what he really wants and making Erin question her own reasoning for making the choices a writer has to make is both hilarious and well thought out. I found it to be very original. I didn't run through on the grammar yet because I was so absorbed in the content. I would definitely read this entire novel. I wish that my characters were real. I've not yet had them going through my fridge, but it shows a strong connection between the writer and the characters when they can. I'd be repeating myself if I continued any further. Once again, I love this piece.

I liked it a lot. Love the dialogue and the interplay between the characters. I look forward to the next serial (please???)

I liked the idea alot, but I had difficulty with understanding the characters

nice dialogue.

The dialogue was great. Although there is Superman and Wonder Woman who did the same thing.