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So one day there I was sitting dull in my room, waiting for something fun to happen, when there opened up a cosmic rift in one of my walls. I had taken out the garbage that day – a couple of old books and some of my failed sketches – so I had time to kill, so I said why not and stepped through the rift. Out I went into void, on the way bumping into the truth about solipsism and scraping my knee on the innards of quarks. When I stopped – or started? – I was looking at a tree in a sepia colored forest. It was like an old fashion memory of sorts. So the tree being old, was falling, and I got excited since I wasn’t actually physically there, and I’d finally get a straight answer to the wise old philosophical riddle. But as the tree fell and I had my ear outstretched, I lost interest and went on. I came upon a black and white room with a desk, and on it an empty bowl and a pencil and a piece of paper. They were all bitching about something:
“The fucking computer stole my woman again! And to think I forgave him the last time! This is terrible. I mean, he can’t even make a goddamn sentence without needing some kind of program to check the damn spelling and grammar. You think I do that shit? I miss the old days. Shit, where’s my Jack?”
“You think that’s bad? People always take everything from me! First it seems promising – I get food or coins… and then, before you know it, they take away everything, just like that! I remember when they used to give me seashells… they didn’t take those away for months, it was great. Everything is so damn fast these days!”
“You guys think you have it bad, but I have it worst of all. At least you guys have a shot. You don’t know how many of my brothers died because they didn’t look perfect. I have one chance, and if I don’t look promising, they cripple me and I’m forever forgotten. They might even just leave me out for years, never even look in my direction. I have it the worst of all. At least you guys know your fate.”
I left the sad sight and walked into Sadness. It was horrible – the sadness that is. I got this big golf ball stuck in my throat, and it felt like I wanted to let out some tears from my eyes but I couldn’t, so I was sweating instead. But what do you know, after a while it felt great. I felt alive – or dead? – and lingered in limbo, merrily depressed. I thought how the best moments in life are when you feel the worst, because those moments are the ones you feel the most. Happiness just sounded too hokey for me anyway. Unfortunately quantum mechanics rang and said I had no time, so I dropped the clown act and lugubriously trudged out of Sadness.
I came on a Realization. It was a mess.
Then I entered the Arena – I was one of the spectators. Down in the red green blue pit was a man dressed as a bureaucratic zombie. He was in character. I felt so bad I bought him lunch and asked him how this happened. He said he was once king of the world, the smartest man alive. He had everything; women, followers, money, humor, wit, intellect, and even women flowers with a monkey and Hummer and wilt and re-elect. Then someone challenged him to a brawl, and punched him in the stomach. He was wearing – and at this point the poor man burst into tears – he was wearing shorts, and hadn’t gone to the bathroom that day. And when he got punched in the stomach, a slender piece of stool slid down his shorts and on the floor where everyone could see. After that he dropped everything and went to work in the pit. This was too heartbreaking, so I left promptly. I didn’t even pay the bill.
I rode down a field on a rutilant bicycle, and spotted yellow shirted, khaki shorted teens shooting from sawed-off shotguns at wolves and dogs and such. Fortunately, a team of black shirted folk with designer shoes and all beat them with sticks and silenced the animal carnage. One of the black shirts said: "Ugh that guy is wearing Vans!" And all was dark again.
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I will admit I am wrong and say that perhaps expansion is not required.
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