Thread: Frolic in the Darkness

I stand there staring out the window into world. It beckoned to me to join it in its splendor and glory.

The fresh air, so clean and sharp, hummed at my throat and steals my breath, pleasurable sparks flying through my skin. The birds chirp and the children sing their merry songs. Couples laced hands, proclaiming love, faux or not.

Trees faced the winds without respite. The grass bowed humbly to its feet.
Flowers that glowed a spirit so comforting, their scent teemed with wit and grace. The pitch white moon and a sky so blue engulfed it all in relentless bliss, hovering in infinite not.

Shamefully volatile and magnificently beautiful I simply watch with a smile.

Though... I still loom there, at the mouth of an epic tower, separated from the frolic and joy. How close I was... and yet...

"No, I must go, I simply need to be with the chilling spring," I whispered, my smile growing as I did.

I stepped onto the raised window, it curved in a symmetrical lust, as if it needed to be whole and simply could not bear to stand beside itself.
I watch, body rippling with an anticipation unremarkable.

A star tore across the sky, more and more awaking to life at it sped by on its mission to oblivion.

My breath escaped me again, my smile grew more still. With an out-stretched hand, garbed in white, I reached for the air.

Sadly, it was for not, my portal to happiness destroyed, an ocean of glass and steel bridged the space from which I fled. The bridge borne from a magic so dark and vehemently evil it stole from my very soul.

My hand, on its own accord, pressed against it, an azure tear befell my face. It fled from my flesh, engulfed in its self-wrought destruction. More tears fell, no life or joy sparkled in the their gleam.

My smile engulfed in non-existence.

"Brother," a honey tipped liar called.

I turned to face the room behind me.

The room floored with black and white, equally divided between the dark and the light. The walls laced in grey sheets, flapping in a false wind.
Above, there was a fathomless lack of anything bright aside from a few warriors of good combating the approaching destruction.

A girl stood in the center of it all, dressed in scantily any clothing, that which she had obsidian black.

I knew not this girl, why did she call me kin?

"Come," she called, much more a demand than a request.

I inched her way, my steps echoing in the empty space.

I approached her, not much on my accord.

Her hand, so sweet and tender, licked at my neck. I shivered in a sudden lust.

"What, not whom, are you?" I asked, my lips swollen with need.

"I am your end and you are my beginning," she sang.

Her lips snatched at me with a speed of a hungry snake and mine followed in an unquenchable thirst. It was not a want, but a sickening need.

We laced each-other in an insufferable heat. My eye's opened for but a moment and found a mirror that was not there a moment before.

My pale skin, dressed in even paler light, laced with her rich dark. My flowing river of blinding hair draped her inciting black.

After awhile, we tore from each-other. I was there, with nothing left, she loomed, wanting even more.

Her arms draped around my neck, far above her head.

The mirror showed me a picture of a shadow of myself. I could no longer breathe, I could no longer stand, I could no longer live.

Soldiers of light died, the grey sheets grew black, the balance tipped.

This girl, my death, her mouth drew in expectation, whispered, "Frolic in the Darkness."

Later still, I gaze up at the black. Nothing was there, but for the briefest instant, I swear I saw a soldier of light.

Though for but an instant.

There are numerous grammatical errors in the first couple paragraphs I read. At the fore front of this are the switch from present to past tense mid story as well as your excessive use of the comma. Set it aside for a day or two and rework it with a red pen.

Forgive me for the poor grammar. I feel that its my second biggest issue in writing.

I'll work on the grammar as best I can and repost it.

Originally Posted by Neutrality

Forgive me for the poor grammar. I feel that its my second biggest issue in writing.

I'll work on the grammar as best I can and repost it.

No worries. The first couple drafts aren't always good. This piece has a surreal quality and has potential to be something better. Keep it up.

Definitely, thanks for being objective!

Since I've started coming to this site, I feel I have grown more as a writer than I have in my entire life, and I thank you guys for that.

Though, would you care to point out areas of concern, aside from grammar? Its always hard for me to see what should go and what should stay unless its painfully obvious.

Thank you again,

-Blake

It's a pretty strange piece.

Some of the language is difficult to navigate.

"What, not whom, are you?" I asked, my lips swollen with need.

really made my head spin. I agree with coinoperated. It feels like I'm trying to decipher the smoking caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland though perhaps that is the intention? Lewis Caroll definitely had a way with weaving confusing anecdotes and paradoxical sentence structure.

Well, if I'm being compared with Lewis Caroll I can't be too far off my mark xD

This piece was meant to have a very surreal quality. I'm sorry if it was difficult to read. I wanted sentences to come out of left field and leave the reader scratching his head, but at the same time, not leave him completely lost.

I did this because I often explain too much.

I hope you enjoyed reading it, if not, I apologize.

-Blake

I love the way you have with words, very original thought here. I do wish the grammar was a bit more on point. It detracts from the image and hinders the credibility of the writer and the piece as a whole. I would love to read this again with some attention to grammar and sentence flow. I am wanting to read it again though, so it is successful even still.

I sincerely apologize for the poor grammar, its one of my weakest points, aside from spelling. Thank God for spell checker.

I'm really glad you enjoyed the story! It helped with the motivational issue a lot.

-Blake

You've got an interesting piece here. It's very dreamlike, and has the potential to be a great way Much as others have said, there are quite a few places where the grammar renders the story difficult to follow, and detracts from the overall feel. It can be good to make people reread passages because they are striking, but you need to make sure everything is clear when you do that. There are a couple tense issues, and more importantly some unnecessary words thrown in - like "What, not whom, are you?" - just take out the "not whom" entirely.

If you can clean this up, you've got a nice little piece here.

You have a wonderfully interesting way with words and I was intriqued by the story. In fact, I have been compelled to read through it several times. There is great potential here with some careful editing. Nice job.

Nerot

Your metaphors are creative, but I do not care for them for the most part, which is a subjective observation and not a criticism. The style is great, but again, not something I personally would enjoy reading for more than ten pages. The plot is good. There are some basic grammatical and syntax flaws. If you refine this or other similiar works and eliminate ALL the basic writing mistakes I think you could sell your work to certain specialized markets.
Thanks

Thank you very much Xwhag, Nerot and Jim. I apologize for the late reply. The reason for it was that I was under the assumption that eliminating any and all distractions would make me a better writer. The delusion is now gone.

Back to the topic. I was definitely going for a dream like aspect and for some reason I believe it WAS a dream as I had gotten the inspiration for it early in the morning. Eh, maybe its the caffeine. Thank you Xhwag

And Nerot, thank you for the encouraging comments, they help a lot with writing.

Finally, I'd like to thank you jim, whilst encouraging comments are greatly appreciated, the likes of yours that both praise and criticise my work are great motivators for writing.

Thank you, all, its good to be back.

You have a very complex piece, Neutrality. The phrasing that you use comes out of left field. I understand that you wished to create a very surreal and dreamlike effect, so your intention was very noble. And I admire your attempt. Overall, it's a good first start. Something you might not know, however, is that even the best surrealist works use clear, simple phrasing and language in their writing style.

The reason for this is simple. The reader will exhaust himself very quickly if he has to wade through complex sentences page after page after page. Furthermore, writing is about communication. Any attempt to hinder that communication, or obscure it, does not do justice to the author and annoys the reader.

For example, alice in wonderland, by lewis carol, is filled with nonsense. But if you analyze it carefully, it is all very much understandable nonsense, in the sense that the narrative never gets confused by the reader. Try to aim for something like that. Other than that, I didn't understand very much of this piece. Very little in fact.

It's heavy going, but it's a good sort of heavy going, at least for a couple of dozen lines. I agree with the suggestion of a reworking, focussing more on readability, so the ideas and metaphors enter the brain without having to be read three times first.