Thread: Frolic in the Darkness

One word, wow. That was a really great start! The dialog i found to be confusing at times. It reminded me a little reading Shakespeare except it was actually interesting. It had an aura of suspense that held the readers interest. Great job, can't wait for more!

Originally Posted by Die Oldhaetunde

You have a very complex piece, Neutrality. The phrasing that you use comes out of left field. I understand that you wished to create a very surreal and dreamlike effect, so your intention was very noble. And I admire your attempt. Overall, it's a good first start. Something you might not know, however, is that even the best surrealist works use clear, simple phrasing and language in their writing style.

The reason for this is simple. The reader will exhaust himself very quickly if he has to wade through complex sentences page after page after page. Furthermore, writing is about communication. Any attempt to hinder that communication, or obscure it, does not do justice to the author and annoys the reader.

For example, alice in wonderland, by lewis carol, is filled with nonsense. But if you analyze it carefully, it is all very much understandable nonsense, in the sense that the narrative never gets confused by the reader. Try to aim for something like that. Other than that, I didn't understand very much of this piece. Very little in fact.

Criticism noted. Thank you very much for it! Criticism has helped me grow a lot as a writer in the past few months, so thank you! I'll try to finish reworking this piece but school and life in general is currently restricting the time I can use for a hobby.

Once again, thank you!

Originally Posted by Higurro

It's heavy going, but it's a good sort of heavy going, at least for a couple of dozen lines. I agree with the suggestion of a reworking, focussing more on readability, so the ideas and metaphors enter the brain without having to be read three times first.

Yeah, I understand . This piece in particular was an exercise and/or challenge to myself to see how well I could compress a story (from 10 pages to a couple dozen lines, so I feel accomplished) and, as a result, I made it shorter but thicker and denser, perhaps too much so.

Though, its just another step in a long process.

Thank you for the critique.

Originally Posted by Blaze Shadowthorn

One word, wow. That was a really great start! The dialog i found to be confusing at times. It reminded me a little reading Shakespeare except it was actually interesting. It had an aura of suspense that held the readers interest. Great job, can't wait for more!

I wouldn't call it Shakespeare worthy xD Far, far from it. But thank you very much for the kind words and don't worry, my mid-terms in a week, I'll probably be on here more than I should.

Once again, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it!

Just a couple of things I noticed:

-You constantly change tenses unnecessarily and it confuses the reader.
-There are some simple structural errors scattered throughout the piece. "I watch, body rippling with an anticipation unremarkable" is a good example of this. You need to clarify whose body it is (just add 'my'
before it). 'with an anticipation unremarkable', if you're sure you want to keep that, should be written 'with unremarkable anticipation". But to me this sounds strange. How can anticipation be unremarkable? If there's a reason for it, clarify.

Your writing is also rife with antiquation. Unless if this is what you're going for, try reading some more contemporary fiction to get a better idea of how modern prose is.

Wow,

I'm really impressed! I have usually enjoyed writing that takes a little effort to understand, as it comes off more valuable to me.

I really liked how you had an antiquated feel (if that's what you were going for, ) and kept it consistent throughout.
Just a note, when you say something's "for not," the "not" is actually spelled "naught," especially in antiquated times.

Also, you speak in the negative form more often than not. It propels an unnecessarily negative theme about these ideas, so maybe look at how often you say "not," "no," etc. It will make your work stronger and emphasize the points that you actually use the negative structure, making them stick out (subliminally) to the reader.

Your metaphors are very abstract, and I love it. Nice work! I tend to write in a similar manner, and most of the time people tell me they're not sure what I am talking about. For me, this was truly enjoyable!