Thread: Intro to a short story

I opened my eyes and stared at my ceiling. On a poster board scribbled in big black marker were the words: You are not dreaming. Relief and exhaustion flooded me and for once I was glad to feel the harsh Utah sun burning me through my window.

My jaw muscles were tense and my head tingled with the familiar onset of a migraine but I was glad I was in control again. I swung my feet over the edge of my bed and reveled in the scratchy generic carpet between toes as I walked to my bathroom.

The reflection staring back at me told me I had fared better than I thought. No blood shot eyes or blood crusted around my nose and mouth. No unexplainable cuts or weird stains. Nothing. The pills had worked. They were on the sink right where I had left them last night. They had worked. They had worked. They had worked.

The thought reverberated in my mind so many times that I found myself whispering it. The whisper became a shout and the shout turned into a full on sprint to my parent's room. I burst through the door.

"It worked," I shouted into the room.

Ever since I was a child I had struggled with a reoccurring dream. Therapy and psychic healing could not change it. Moving to the remote mountains of Utah could not change it. The same dream would plague me every night.

I'm trapped in a house with no exit. There are only a couple empty rooms and a single window looking out on a vast field of grass and pink flowers. In this dream, I wander from room to room as the walls slowly fill with memories of my life. I am content with this detached observation.

As time goes by I can sense that something is very wrong. I rush up to the lone window to witness the meadow surrounding my house turning black and shriveled in the distance. The wave of dying meadow gets exponentially faster until all of the green is replaced with shades of death. I usually wake up after this with a roaring sense of anxiety and fear left from my dream.

Last night was different.

As I stood in front of the window, I braced myself for reality. Nothing happened. Distantly, I could feel my body sleeping but I could no longer reach it. I squeezed my eyes tight and groped for control over my dream. The calming realization that normally preceded lucid dreaming didn't come. It felt like the tenuous thread of a connection that had linked my sleeping mind to my resting body had been severed.

I opened my eyes as the choking sensation of anxiety and fear crescendoed into a quiet doorbell that echoed through the rooms of my house. For a heart beat, I floundered. I had never gotten this far. I stood still hoping whatever it was outside would just go away if I stood still enough. My surroundings blurred and shifted. I found myself staring at the front door with my hand poised ready to answer it. I drew back from the door handle as if I had grasped a piece of molten slag. The doorbell rang again.

"It's just a dream," I said.

I hesitated again but despite my intense fear I wrapped my fingers around the cool brass handle and opened it.

There was a blur of motion and the intense sensation falling. Gravity had suddenly shifted and the doorway became a hole into a dark abyss. Time seemed to crawl and I fell endlessly within the span of a few seconds. The fall ended in a violent seizure that sent my dreaming mind rocketing back towards my sleeping body. I opened my eyes and the night had passed into morning.

"It worked," I said.


Does it hook or does it try too hard? Opinions would be nice.

Originally Posted by CoinOperatedSpork

I've had this reoccurring dream where I'm trapped in a house with no exit.

but what are you trying to say how can you have a house with no exit in one sentence and get the door in the next

Dreams don't make sense. I was trying to capture the essence of that.

Dreams require a bit more lateral prose, no?

This is suspenseful, but slightly hard to follow - the narrative could be tightened up a bit -
I had to read this sentence a few times to get it: "Then next, I found myself staring at the inside portion of a front door with my hand poised ready to answer it."
I thought some more details could make it more "realistic" (although I know it's a dream)
It has potential though, somewhat reminencent of the old Twilight Zone episodes
---todd

Originally Posted by toddm

This is suspenseful, but slightly hard to follow - the narrative could be tightened up a bit - I had to read this sentence a few times to get it: "Then next, I found myself staring at the inside portion of a front door with my hand poised ready to answer it."I thought some more details could make it more "realistic" (although I know it's a dream)It has potential though, somewhat reminencent of the old Twilight Zone episodes---todd

This is extremely helpful. I had a difficult time wording that sentence. After separating myself from the excerpt I can really see how that sentence breaks up the fluidity of the scene. I may have to break it up. Lol I was really trying to get that sense of detatchment that I feel when I dream lucidly. Anyways. If I have to explain it that means I'm not doing it right.

I would add it up that the dream is about a fear of what is going on with the world today, and a fear of all of the nature we need to support us around us dieing on us. It is natural to have nightmares when you do evil every day, it must be remembered that these little plants are one years old or younger, just babys and boys and girl with thoughts and feelings like any other babys. Is it good or evil to kill and eat these babys, ... evil so don't be surprised to have nightmares all the time when doing evil even though you might feel you have no other options what to eat it does not change the fact that it is evil to do, they are living beings and have souls, you will always have nightmares until you do no evil.

I've had this reoccurring dream where I'm trapped in a house with no exit. There are only a couple empty rooms and a single window looking out on a vast field of grass and pink flowers.

Hey there! I sense a lot of potential in this short story! So, here are my suggestions! Your doing a great job at describing the setting to us, but I feel it lacking the description of atmosphere. Like is the aura of the dream isolation, blissful, sanctuary, etc. I chose the above quote to illustrate this because it does a beautiful job in the layout but can be totally improved on in the atmosphere level!

(Just to clarify the above. I can sense the characters anxiety and such, but describe the setting that can also... foreshadow the mood... I hope I'm making some sense with this xD)

Another thing. I feel that you could have broken the paragraph into smaller chunks!

I am content with this detached observation.*As time goes by I can sense that something is very wrong.

(between "Observation" and "As")

I usually wake up after this with a residual whisper of anxiety and fear left from my dream. Last night was different. Standing in front of the window, I braced myself for reality.

(between "my dream" and "last night")

However, I read your comment about how dreams don't make sense, which could imply an unregulated flow of events happening at the same time! To that end, I think you can disregard my previous suggestion, but it is something to consider, yes?

Anyways, I really hope that I gave you useful feedback and give me a heads up when the short story is done!!

My off-the-cuff:

I think two structural changes would increase the readability: 1.) Break it up into paragraphs to keep the eye moving. 2.) I think you immerse the reader into the difficult environment of the dream too quickly; you need to not make the reader work so hard in the early stages and keep interest; I would transition gradually into the dream, or alternate between a concious narration and and dream-speak.

Oh, this definitely hooks me in. I link your diction here, too often it seems like people are "reaching" or trying to sound a certain way to appease us reviewers. I would agree with the others: maybe, you didn't mean for it it be all one block, but, yeah, that block is a deterrent. A simple [aforementioned] change in structure should brighten this up quite a bit -- by brighten I, obviously, mean the prose as I am sure you don't want the story to seem all that bright.

In simpler terms: this shows great potential. Keep at it!

Thanks for all the great feed back. I put this away for a bit and came back with a clearer head. @SteveHolak I can definitely see what you are saying. I felt uninterested when I read it again.

Oh I enjoy flow of this. Makes me curious about those words on the ceiling.
I especially like the part where you repeat "it worked." three times. Gives me a sense for the character. I would love to read more of this.

More opinions on the revised piece would be nice.