Thread: future drama 2011

Surprised Caitlin awoke! She stretched her eyes a few inches from the iron chamber which she was incased. Horrified by her predicament, she screamed that was quieted by her unbending vocal chords that were still frozen. Caitlin blinked her eyes shut a few times to adjust them to the bright light.
Caitlin began searching her mind for the reason she was locked in a chamber. She opened her eyes to a vision of her mom placing her in the chamber ever so gently.
“I’m sorry, I must do this or you will die sweet heart.” Said her mom June with tears spilling from here eyes onto Caitlin’s arm. Then she was gone and all Caitlin saw was the chamber door closing shut with her inside.
From her memory she had decided that she just woke up from a thousand year sleep in the iron chamber. Caitlin opened and closed her eyes a couple more times to clear the fluid that thawed out not too long ago. She looked out of the chamber and saw that two figures stood near by.
The first figure looked like a man slightly smaller in height compared to Caitlin but his width was wide. The second figure was a woman who stood three times Caitlin’s height and she looked like she was way too thin inside her lab coat. Both were dressed identically and were trained to treat unfrozen patients.
Caitlin was now unfrozen, her body, which wasn’t clothed as the ice melted away. Then the scientist placed her on an examination table near by and shone some bright lights over her naked form.
The man stuck Caitlin with a huge needle in the right side of her buttock, and then he gave the needle to the woman. With that done he asked for another one. Once done with that needle, he turned the exam over to the woman.
The woman began to probe in between her legs and in her anus. Then the woman moved the probe upwards towards her face and began probing her ears, nose, mouth and eyes. Next the man took a third needle from the woman, which was three times as big as the first two. With that needle he stuck Caitlin on her left side of her butt cheek. Next thing she knew he was probing in the underarms, both sides of her spine and her neck. Then the exam got even more intimate, as they started probing her in the stomach, legs, chest, back, and head. Then the pain became unbearable, so that when they went into her mouth and cleared her throat Caitlin screamed. But before the scream could it maximum, the woman placed a muzzle over her mouth. They did that work had just begun.

The exhaustive examination went on for two full hours. Then they pulled off their gloves off. “Okay.” He said. “Finally one more down. Please have her dress before I vomit.” The man said. The woman led the exam desk into another room smaller than the exam room.
“Get dressed already.” the woman scientist said. She put her hands on her hips and stormed out of the room closing the door behind her. “Oh by the way welcome to the 31^st century.” The woman said.
Slowly Caitlin sat up and hugged herself letting out a sigh as she shivered. She decided to place her hands on her private parts as her eyes began to her eyes began to show her vulnerability.
She jumped off the exam table and searched for under garment but had no luck. Caitlin pulled out a bright orange dress with buttons down the front and as she placed it over head it fell over her skin nicely. Next she walked out the door that said exit. Caitlin the grabbed the bottom of the dress with one hand to keep the dress from flying up and pulled the top of the dress with her other hand to secure it around her breast.
Outside Caitlin walked the streets of Las Vegas. Suddenly something attacked and raped Caitlin. It had blue eyes that were big and beady. The rat had bird claws instead of rat paws. Shortly after it appeared it jumped onto Caitlin and stuck it’s penis into her vagina. She twisted and turned but the rat prevailed. Then the rat let her up and “Thanks bitch and since you have no money go to employment agency.” It said. Since the streets moved Caitlin didn’t have to walk anywhere.
As she made her way to employment agency, Caitlin wondered what will happen next. Caitlin needs a job because she has no place to live. She reached the employment agency, then she saw something that had blue scaly skin, long tentacle arms, it eyes were big, and beady, and finally the biggest shock of all it was wearing a dress. “This is the employment agency.” The alien receptionist said.
The desk was in the center of the room but rose and fell when anyone entered or exited the building. To Caitlin’s left there were some wooden chairs; they floated over her head till she walked over to them, then they came to the ground. To bring Caitlin back to the present the receptionist cleared her throat.
“What is your name and address?” asked Miss Arches Archibald.
“I was just unfrozen.” Caitlin said.
“Please go to the housing authority.” Said Miss Archibald
At the housing authority Caitlin tentatively approached the reception desk and inquired about a cheep apartment. Coral had long coral arms, on her body was all kinds of dials, the head was coral and glowing. The fact she was a robot shocked Caitlin. Coral sat at a desk that floated in mid-air till Caitlin approached the desk. Coral turned in chair “Yes, how can I help you?” she said.
Caitlin was startled for a moment before finding her voice. “I’m in need of a cheap apartment.” She said.
“How much money do you have, my dear.” Coral asked.
“I don’t have any money.” Caitlin said with a sigh.
“Please head to the police station and see if they can help you, dear.” Coral said.
The police station was stationed between two trees. It seemed to tower over the two trees. “My story begins with the fact I was just unfrozen. I have no money and no place to live. The employment agency won’t find me a job unless I have some place to live.” Caitlin said.
“There is a package delivery company that needs help.” The chief of police said.
Caitlin thanked them. Caitlin made her way to the package delivery building once she got there she gasped because the building floated in mid-air. It came to the ground when she approached the building. Timidly Caitlin made her way to the front desk. A man with long fingers, dark purple scales, and around his thick hung a breathing apparatus. Caitlin could hardly believe her eyes a fish-man. He was dressed in a black Donna Claire suit with a blue shirt and a white tie. Caitlin stood staring at him.
“How may I help you?” the fish-man asked.
“Sorry for staring at you. What is your name?” Caitlin said.
“My name is Ryce Rypan Pendragon.” The fish-man said.
“Nice to meet you, Ryce, my name is Caitlin Marie Johnston. I came here to apply for a job.” She said.
He handed her an application as he smiled smugly, and went back to his typing.
As Caitlin filled out the application she noticed questions that seemed weird to her. Her hands began to sweat, her nerves kicked in and she begun to feel faint as she filled out the application. One question that had her freaked was species: (a) human, (b) fish, (c) robot or (d) other. The second question was how many arms do you have (a) 2, (b) 3, (c) 4, (d) 6, and (e) 6 or more. The third question was how many eyes do you have (a) 1, (b) 2, (c) 3, (d) 4 or (e) more than four. Question four was about gender (a) male, (b) female, (c) both male/female, (d) none of the above. The fifth question was what century are you from (a) 1^st, (b) 16^th, (c) 21^st, (d) 31^st, or (e) any other.
Despite her nerves Caitlin managed to fill out the application. Slowly she approached the front desk and handed the application to Ryce. Ryce took the application from her, rolled it up and sent it up in a tube to the personnel office. Caitlin had no where else to go so she went and sat in the lobby.
Hour after hours passed before they called Caitlin in for an interview. At 4 p.m. she was called for an interview. To reach the personnel office Caitlin was shot up a tube. The tube is round and it is shaped adjusted to the type of person, robot, fish-man, etc you are. Next thing she knew she was staring at the interviewer. When he stood up he towered over the floor lamp in his office. His shell was as round as a big beach ball but, much bigger. He had long human arms one on each side. He also had long legs of a horse and cat fingers on his human hands. His name plate said Atelic Brogan Borden. His name and the sight of him made Caitlin shiver.

“Please take a seat Miss Johnston, now Miss Johnston just a few questions.” Atelic said.
“What kind of experience do you have?” he asked.
“In the 21^st century I was secretary by day and a model by night.” Caitlin said.
“In what year were you born?” atelic asked.
“I was born in 1990.” Caitlin replied
“How old are you now?” he asked
“Thrity." She answered.
“What brought you to the future?” atelic asked.
“In the year 2020 my mom had me frozen because I was dying.” Caitlin replied.
Despite the fact she was nervous, Caitlin felt queasy and gross all over having been interviewed by a snail. After Caitlin left the Blue-Collar Bronze Package Delivery Corp, she went back to the housing authority. As she made her way back to the housing authority, she saw how the houses looked. Finally she arrived at the housing authority.
“I got a job.” Caitlin said.
Coral handed her an application for a cheap apartment with a smug smile, which wrapped around her iron frame. Seeing a robot smile spooked Caitlin to bits. A robot shouldn’t smile.
The application was just as weird as the job application. With questions such as species, (a) fish, (b) robot, (c) human and (d) all of the above. How much money do you make, (a) 10 euro per hour, (b) 5 euro per hour, (c) 2 euro per hour, or (d) 1 euro per hour. What kind of house/apartment are you looking for, (a) two bedroom, (b) one bedroom, (c) one bedroom with one demenison, or (d) two bedroom with two demenisons? Are you gay or straight, (a) gay, (b) straight, (c) bisexual, or (d) none of the above?
This application made Caitlin’s head spin. Now that she was done with yet another application, she approached the desk and handed it in. as day one came to a close, Caitlin went to the lobby of the housing authority and sat.
As day two started Caitlin was shaken awake by coral. “You can go to 777 Clingon Avenue, 3^rd floor, 5^th door on your right in downtown Las Vegas, Nevada.” Coral said. This was to be Caitlin’s new home.
Once Caitlin arrived at her new apartment she ran into an old friend of hers.
“I had myself cryogenically frozen in the year 2019 at the age of 38. I only wanted to be frozen for ten years, but the technician made a mistake and froze me for a 1000 years. When I awoke in the year 3019, I was completely shocked.” Roberto James Santo said.
“Why don’t you come in?” Caitlin said.
Once inside he leaned over a tall plastic chair that faced a mirror. He pulled out a comb from his shirt pocket, and ran it through his jet-black hair. He smiled as his hazel/blue eyes shone in the mirror. Caitlin just stared at his well muscled body. Even though, he was eight years older than her, he babysat Caitlin for her parents.
“I had myself frozen because I wanted to be with you Caitlin.” Roberto said.
While in Caitlin’s new apartment they just talked. “So what did you do after you were unfrozen?” Caitlin asked.
“Well first I went through an examination. Then they told me to get dressed in which they provided me with a pair of pants and a shirt, with no undergarments. Then they sent me on my way.” Roberto said.
“How did you find a job?” Caitlin asked.
“Well I was sent all over the place before I finally got a job.” Roberto said.
As they talked, he could see in her eyes the child she was while Caitlin saw the woman she became in his eyes.
“Would you please be mine?” Roberto asked.
“Yes I will.” Caitlin replied
They had their first date on 12-24-3020. They went to a restaurant called The Alchemist.
“Who was your lost love?” Caitlin asked.
“Well it was you Caitlin.” Roberto replied.
“I remember now you used to look at me with so much love when you stopped at my house. Even though I was five at the time I knew you loved me Roberto.” Caitlin said.
“I also remember how you would playfully kiss me on the lips and I would push you away.” Caitlin said.
To bring Caitlin back to the present Roberto cleared his throat.
“So Caitlin why don’t we go dancing at the Snuggle Bean?” he asked
As the name suggested everyone on the dance floor was snuggling his or her dance partner. Then it happened they decided to head back to Caitlin’s apartment.
“Let’s make love.” Roberto suggested.
Both were completely shocked that things were happening so fast.
The next day at work Caitlin saw Roberto.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I work here.” Caitlin replied.
“How is it possible that you’re my boss?” Roberto asked.
“I’m not your boss. I was hired as Atelic’s personal secretary.” Caitlin said.
“I’m just a mailroom clerk so that makes you my boss.” Roberto said.
“When did you start at the Blue-Collar Bronze Package Delivery Corp?” Roberto asked.
“Two days ago” she said
Roberto dropped his jaw in complete shock.
“I was here for a year and never once offered a promotion. You’ve only been here two days and your Atelic’s personal secretary. Caitlin what’s up with that.” He said.
“It was my previous experience.” She said.
“I’m sorry for my outburst.” Roberto said.
“I forgive you Roberto.” Caitlin replied.
On the third day Roberto walked to Caitlin’s apartment and knocked on her door. “Would you like a ride to work Caitlin?” Roberto asked.
“Yes please.” Caitlin replied.
They went to work in his red hover Cadillac.
“Caitlin would you go with me to the Jade’s Day Café for lunch?” Roberto asked
“Yes, I will.” Caitlin said.
They ordered their lunch to go since they only had a half hour for lunch.
“What do you want to do about our future Caitlin? And what do you think of the possibility of marriage?” Roberto asked.
“Roberto I love you, you know but marriage?” Caitlin said
“Yes marriage, Caitlin. We have a history behind us, and I not married Kristen when I did I would have married you. I realized the mistake I made after I had two kids with her. I’ve loved you since you were five years old. I should have told back then when you were fourteen. That’s right Caitlin I’ve known since I was twenty-two that I really loved you, but I’ve always thought that you were way too young for me.” Roberto said.
Caitlin dropped her jaw in shock. “Wow Roberto I wish I knew that back in the 21^st century. I loved you since I was fourteen and I never married in the 21^st century because I knew you were my soul mate.” Caitlin said
“Caitlin lunch is almost over. Now here it goes. Will you marry me Caitlin?” he said.
“Yes, Roberto, I will marry you!” she said.
Just before they leave the cafeteria, they agreed to meet after work for dinner at the Wiggle Jiggle. That night Caitlin was dressed in the most exquisite dress of purple and black chiffon. It was low-cut, sleeveless and strappy. Roberto was dressed in a black and blue Donna Claire suit.
“Um Caitlin I know you already said yes but I have something for you” Roberto said.
“Oh what can it be Roberto?’ Caitlin asked.
He pulled out the ring and went on bended knee. At the Wiggle Jiggle he gave Caitlin the biggest diamond she ever saw.

The thing I liked most about this piece is the idea. The idea of being frozen for a number of years and waking up in another century is an interesting one. I like the events that occur in your story and you certainly make the reader aware, through Caitlyn's journey, that the world has become a very different place.

As a story it doesn't feel like a finished piece - it seems more like you have quickly written down what is in your head, to get it on paper. It now needs a number of edits to make it feel like a story that the reader can connect with, so that it will hold interest.

I'm just going to look at a few things in your opening.

Surprised Caitlin awoke!

I think the adage 'less is more' is a good rule of thumb in writing, as well as 'show don't tell'. I think the word "surprised" is unnecessary here, it is better for us that you show us her surprise rather than tell us.

She stretched her eyes a few inches from the iron chamber which she was incased.

This is a little confusing, it makes me wonder how one actually 'stretches' their eyes, rather than concentrating on your story. Perhaps try "her eyes focussed on her surroundings ... " or something similar.

Horrified by her predicament, she screamed that was quieted by her unbending vocal chords that were still frozen.

The grammar is a little awkward here. Also, perhaps she "tried to scream, but found her unbending vocal cords seemed still and frozen."

Caitlin blinked her eyes shut a few times to adjust them to the bright light.

I think "shut" is unnecessary in this sentence (less is more).

She opened her eyes to a vision of her mom placing her in the chamber ever so gently.

It makes more sense to me to have her 'close' her eyes to have a vision.

Overall as I said I really like the main idea in this story, it is interesting, I think you need to take the time to choose your words carefully, and perhaps one edit could involve a simple cutting out of all unnecessary words. Thanks for sharing BTW is this part of a novel you are writing, or a short story?

it's supposed to be a short story but a friend of mine thinks it's could be a novel

Caitlin awoke! She focused her eyes on her surroundings the iron chamber which she was incased. Horrified by her predicament, she tried to scream but her unbending vocal chords that were still frozen. Caitlin blinked her eyes a few times to adjust them to the bright light.
Caitlin began searching her mind for the reason she was locked in a chamber. She closed her eyes to a vision of her mom placing her in the chamber ever so gently.

does this sound better

The short answer is yes it does sound better

There are still grammatical errors, if you read it back I'm sure you can detect them -

She focused her eyes on her surroundings the iron chamber which she was incased.

This needs a comma at least after surroundings. But she is becoming aware of the place along with the reader, so perhaps it should read-

She focused her eyes on her surroundings. She was incased in some kind of iron chamber.

Horrified by her predicament, she tried to scream but her unbending vocal chords that were still frozen.

This is an unfinished sentence, "her unbending vocal cords that were still frozen ... (did what?)". Or you may want to delete "that", so it reads -

She tried to scream but her unbending vocal chords were still frozen.

This will make more sense.

Other than that it is a clearer picture - having her close her eyes to remember what happens makes more sense, although you might want to review how you put it - having her mum "place" her in the chamber seems a little odd, she must have been a strong mother! Perhaps she escorted her there or something?

Caitlin awoke! She focused her eyes on her surroundings. She was incased in some iron chamber. She tried to scream but her unbending vocal chords were still frozen. Caitlin blinked her eyes a few times to adjust them to the bright light.
Caitlin began searching her mind for the reason she was locked in a chamber. She closed her eyes to a vision of her mom escorted her to the cryogenic lab. Then a scientist placed Caitlin in the chamber ever so gently.

first let me say thanks for your help. next i hope this sounds better

any more comments or sugestions