Thread: Second scene of a short story - Ai Yon

Hi. Thanks for all your helpful replies on scene 1 of this story. I have done some editing on scene 1 since then, and have decided to upload scene 2. Please let me know your thoughts and observations; they were very helpful last time.

Thanks.

Bangkok, June 9, 1895, 5:30 a.m.
The jangle of the jailer’s keys cut through the darkness, breaking the perpetual silence of the prison cell. Ai Yon flicked his head, responding to some deeply-ingrained instinct, then dropped his head between his shoulders, remembering where he was. The guard thrust the key into the lock and turned it with a decisive twist, springing open the barred door. Two guards entered the cell, placing their hands under Ai Yon’s arms, and lifted him off the floor.

He was pushed through the door into a long dark corridor, with occasional slits in the walls to allow a small amount of sunlight to filter in. Two guards stood on either side of Ai Yon, holding him by his arms and dragging him along, his feet trailing in the dirt. They came to a large wooden door. One guard stepped forward and opened it with an iron key. The door swung open with a rusty creak; light poured into the dark corridor, dazzling Ai Yon. He hadn’t been outside in two years.

Outside the jail, a crowd had gathered to witness the removal of Ai Yon. A number of people in the crowd taunted and jeered at him, but most of them just looked on in silence. He seemed oblivious to their presence, and stared at the floor. His ragged clothes and blackened skin added to his roguish appearance. He was taken along a dirt path, past the crowd of onlookers, heavy shackles clinking as he walked wearily between the two powerfully-built guards.

After a short walk they arrived at a small pier, where a longboat sat waiting. Government officials stood around looking tired and bothered at being awake so early for the execution of an insignificant middle-ranking nobleman. The guards exchanged brief words with the officials then the procession boarded the boat. They pulled away from the pier and headed for Wat Samrong; the place where Ai Yon was to be executed.

Originally Posted by yarn

Bangkok, June 9, 1895, 5:30 a.m.

Hey, just quoting this piece to save space.

A few things I picked up whilst reading and although I don't consider my self that knowledgable wit this I think you could benefit from me pointing them out.

The main thing is there are a few ideas that confuse the logic of the scene.
- Inititially he had to be dragged out of his cell and along the corridoor. I assume this is either because he is too weak to walk or just refuses to help the gaurds. However when he gets outside he is quite happy to walk. ' Walked wearily between ' is what im talking about. Why is it that he is dragged then and yet now he is fine to walk? Although possible, this made me wander why he was walking now when I read it.
- He hasn't seen the outside for two years. That indicates he has been jailed for those two years correct ? So why now are they just getting round to executing him ? Might have been court process and whatever but to me being jailed for 2 entire years before getting round to the execution seemed strange. I think the time he spent in jail prior logically should be less. I know nothing about the death penalty though..so I could just be wrong.

Outside of those issues which I may just lack knowledge about, this particular sentance seems out of context.
'His ragged clothes and blackened skin added to his roguish appearance.'
The description is useful as it adds to distinguish his poor condition but I think these sorts of things should have been worked in earlier on, when he was in the cell or being dragged along the corridoor. In that way I think the reader would be able to imagine how weak Ai Yon is when being dragged. Just seems an odd place to throw in the sentance unless you can tie it in to the crowd and there reaction to him.

I hope I have helped you in some way. I read the first scene but did not post on it but am enjoying seeing the fate of Ai Yon unravel.

Hi scarletlight,

first of all, thank you for taking the time to read and critique this. The points you made are very well-received.

The fact that he was jailed for two years is based on a real-life account of execution in Siam of old. I discovered a few execution stories in old newspaper articles on the Web and one of them talked about how the poor guy was jailed for so long before being executed. Still, that's a good point and I might want to allude to the laid-back court procedures, or something of the like, so that the reader doesn't feel equally confused by this.

The other two points definitely help to point out flaws in the logic of the sequence of events.

Thanks again