Thread: The opening scene of a short story (Warning: mildly graphic/ violence)

Hello,

I have posted on here for a while so I appreciate that people may not put me on high priority for replies. I'm writing a short story set in Bangkok in the nineteenth century and I could really do with some feedback on my style, tone, clarity etc. Anyway, here is the first scene. Hope you find it interesting reading.
Cheers!

Ai Yon

Bangkok, April 1893

A blanket of rain fell to the earth, bouncing off the leaves of banana plants, pouring from the roofs of teakwood houses, forming waterfalls, cascading to the floor below, creating a percussive spatter on the soft soil. The sky had a yellowish glow to it, and the veil of rain made it impossible to see more than fifty metres ahead in any direction. Ai Yon stood motionless: soaked to the skin; rain running down the contours of his face; hair flat across his head. He didn’t mind being so wet; only one thing mattered to him now: revenge!

He stood amidst the banana trees, intently watching the house where his wife and her lover were taking advantage of the rain to make passionate love. His eyes narrowed as he saw the man caressing his wife’s body, searching with his hands. And oh, how she enjoyed it. Ai Yon tightened his grip on the knife in his right hand; stroking the handle with his thumb. Rivulets of water ran down the cold steel blade. His face contorted like some hideous dragon; lines stretched from the corners of his eyes to the edges of his face. He crouched down and slipped through the foliage, wet banana leaves slapping against his skin as he stealthily approached the house.

At the entrance to the house, he hesitated, listening with gritted teeth to their frolicking. With the quietness of a cat, he pounced upon them, lifting the knife high in the air, screaming a blood-curdling cry. The man – quick and agile – somehow responded and jumped out of a nearby window, running for his life. Only the unfortunate wife remained, on the floor, looking up with a terrified expression on her face. He plunged the knife into her navel, all the colour in her face vanished. He pulled out the blood-stained blade, and stabbed her in the chest; she fell back on the floor; noiseless; staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. Blood trickled down her porcelain-white skin. Ai Yon knelt beside her; breathing heavily; head hung low; drops of rainwater fell from his hair and mixed with the blood that flowed down her chest, like newly-formed rivers, searching for a channel.

Hi,

I’m not the most experience reviewer, but I’ll give it a try. I hope it is helpfull .

I like your writing style and the words you use to describe the scenery. It’s very clear, but I was distracted by the way you used your interpunction. I don’t know whether it is incorrect or not, but you use “;” a lot.

Furthermore, the text focuses on the rain a lot. Some things can probably be left out or replaced by something else.
“Rivulets of water ran down the cold steel blade.”
If you think it is important that the cold steel blade is described, I would try to find another way to describe it. An otherwise, maybe it’s better to just leave it out. And then, maybe you can also check the other sentences that contain rain or water.

The way you describe the murder itself is quite good. Short sentences, that just clearly state what happens work best in my opinion. (Just don’t use “;” too much though). And of course, what is important: the opening scene does make me curious about the rest of the story.

Hi, The first thing I noticed was the enormous amount of present participles (or gerunds - anyway the '...ing' endings).

A blanket of rain fell to the earth, bouncing off the leaves of banana plants, pouring from the roofs of teakwood houses, forming waterfalls, cascading to the floor below, creating a percussive spatter on the soft soil. The sky had a yellowish glow to it, and the veil of rain made it impossible to see more than fifty metres ahead in any direction. Ai Yon stood motionless: soaked to the skin; rain running down the contours of his face; hair flat across his head. He didn’t mind being so wet; only one thing mattered to him now: revenge!

He stood amidst the banana trees, intently watching the house where his wife and her lover were taking advantage of the rain to make passionate love. His eyes narrowed as he saw the man caressing his wife’s body, searching with his hands. And oh, how she enjoyed it. Ai Yon tightened his grip on the knife in his right hand; stroking the handle with his thumb. Rivulets of water ran down the cold steel blade. His face contorted like some hideous dragon; lines stretched from the corners of his eyes to the edges of his face. He crouched down and slipped through the foliage, wet banana leaves slapping against his skin as he stealthily approached the house.

At the entrance to the house, he hesitated, listening with gritted teeth to their frolicking. With the quietness of a cat, he pounced upon them, lifting the knife high in the air, screaming a blood-curdling cry. The man – quick and agile – somehow responded and jumped out of a nearby window, running for his life. Only the unfortunate wife remained, on the floor, looking up with a terrified expression on her face. He plunged the knife into her navel, all the colour in her face vanished. He pulled out the blood-stained blade, and stabbed her in the chest; she fell back on the floor; noiseless; staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. Blood trickled down her porcelain-white skin. Ai Yon knelt beside her; breathing heavily; head hung low; drops of rainwater fell from his hair and mixed with the blood that flowed down her chest, like newly-formed rivers, searching for a channel.

If this is the first chapter and the first sentence of the story, IMO it's too long.

Consider: The rain fell. It poured from the roof of the teakwood house (by making the house singular you are concentrating the attention of the reader on one particular house; also the rain should be described coming off the roof before the banana plant or it would seem the rain was going uphill. In the next sentence you do the same with the rain on the face and then the hair) bouncing ( not a good choice of word - if a waterfall is the end image) and cascaded off the broad leafed banana plants, creating a percussive spatter on the soft soil. (I agree with mx shining, I think that's sufficient on the rain in this paragraph.)

I hope you find this helpful, good luck with it.

The others have covered things well, but left out one thing that bothered me:

At the entrance to the house, he hesitated, listening with gritted teeth to their frolicking.

The way you have these words arranged makes it sound like he listens with his teeth rather than his ears. Try something like this:

At the entrance to the house, he hesitated, listening to their frolicking.

We already know he's angry because you've already stated that he wants revenge, so you don't really need to add that he was grinding his teeth.

Hi mx.shining,

thank you for your very helpful reply. Yes, I was very conscious of the overuse of the ";" symbol, but for some reason I couldn't stop myself! I think you are right, though, and I need to cut it down.

I originally wanted rain (and water/rivers/flowing things) to be a theme throughout the story. I agree with you that I have overdone it, though. Perhaps the "cold steel blade" thing could be left out, I just wanted to make the reader think why is he holding a knife?

I'm surprised that you think the description of the murder is good, I thought that was the weakest part. Perhaps I was wrong.

Anyway, when I've done some work on it, I'll post it again, and I'd like to post the rest later. Hope you'll read it.

Thank you!

Hello qwertyman,

thank you for your very observant points. Yes, I didn't really notice those gerunds, not collectively anyway. I'll consider cutting them down.

I also particularly like the observation regarding the flow of the water.

As I said to mx.shining, I will do some work on it and post the edited version in the near future. Just a quick question: should I post the edited version as a new thread or on here?

Thanks!!

Hello Offeiriad,

that's a very good point. I also don't really like the word "frolicking." Any suggestions for a better word there?

Thanks

I see nothing wrong with the word choice, unless you want to be explicit about what they're doing. We already know the MC's wife is having an affair and what that implies that they're doing. But this is just my opinion.

Okay, I've had a go at editing this based on the suggestions on this thread. Please have a read and let me know your thoughts.

Best

Ray

Bangkok, April 7, 1893

A blanket of rain fell to the earth, pouring from the roof of the teakwood house, forming waterfalls that cascaded to the floor below and created a percussive spatter on the soft soil. The sky had a yellowish glow to it, and the veil of rain made it impossible to see more than fifty metres ahead. Ai Yon stood motionless: soaked to the skin, hair flat across his head, rain running down the contours of his face. He was impervious to the rain. Only one thing mattered to him now: revenge!

He stood amidst the banana trees, hidden by the broad green leaves, watching the house. His eyes narrowed as he saw his wife and her lover in the throes of passion. He tightened his grip on the knife in his right hand; stroking the handle with his thumb. His face contorted like some hideous dragon. Lines stretched from the corners of his eyes to the edges of his face. He crouched down and slipped through the foliage, wet banana leaves slapping against his skin as he stealthily approached the house.

At the entrance, he paused, listening to the sounds of their lovemaking. He crept silently through the doorway on bare feet, then, sprang forward, lifting the knife in the air, screaming a blood-curdling cry. The man – quick and agile – somehow responded, and jumped out of a nearby window. Only the unfortunate wife remained; her face frozen in a terrified expression. With unrestrained rage, he plunged the knife into her navel, pulled out the blade, and stabbed her in the chest; her head fell back against the floor. She stared at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. Blood trickled down her porcelain-white skin. Ai Yon knelt beside her; breathing heavily. Drops of rainwater fell from his hair and mixed with the streams of blood that flowed down her chest, like newly-formed rivers, searching for a channel.

I think your piece improved a lot. It is much easier and exciting to read it now .
(Just one more small comment: I'm was disturbed by the word "plunged", but that may be just me .)

thanks mx.shining,

I will consider ways to improve that. You've got a good point there! When the whole thing is done, I will post it on here. Hope you will read it.

Even with the new edit I find the first sentence to be a bit too long and cumbersome. My mental voice was out of breath before I finished. Lol The description is great but sometimes less is more. "He crouched down and slipped through the foliage, wet banana leaves slapped against his skin as he stealthily approached the house." This can be divided up. With short stories length is a big problem. Why explain with ten words when you get the same point across with half that? Also slapped implies there is a sound accompanied with it. This conflicts with his stealthy approach. Maybe clung would do better? "At the enterance, he paused, listening to the sounds of their lovemaking." This is perfectly creepy. I can relate to this on so many levels. What was his reaction to this though? This is a crucial moment in this scene and it would also give a bit to expound on the reason why he doing this as well as his feelings. Is this one of the first times he's done this? Is he devastated? Has he been methodically planning this out? From what I've read it seems to be a bit of both. Something to research are crimes of passion. Majority of the time they aren't planned. Anyone who has caught their lover with another person won't sit by to let them do it again. What happens next throws off the whole excerpt. It reads very hollow. Why would he creep only to kamikaze attack them? Why bring a knife when a gun is much more efficient? Could he not afford a gun? Why didn't he savor the moment? How did the agile man have the presence of mind to jump out a window? This seems waaaaaay to convenient. In the end, I couldn't find a reason to care about her death or his decision to kill her.

Hi CoinOperatedSpork,

thanks you for this highly revealing critique. You pointed out one or two very obvious flaws of logic and pace here that will really help me to hone this piece up. I think I will have one more edit and then finalize it.

Best

Ray

Dude, you're original edit is way better than the latter. I don't know how these particular suggestions given here, will attain to your future writing in a positive manner -- but, recognition of repetitive technique, maybe?

I'd like to indulge, by saying, your verb choice in the former is grotesque -- as ugly as a beauty can be, without getting confused; intertwining reality to the point of near contradiction forces the mind to paint an unaccustomed picture, gravitating the reader into a circle of your doing, and control.

Sorry, if I sound pretentious...I sound that way when I'm trying to be encouraging.

A blanket of rain fell to the earth, pouring from the roof of the teakwood house, forming waterfalls that cascaded to the floor below and created a percussive spatter on the soft soil.

perhaps you could condense this

A percussive spattering of rain resounded off of the soft soil and the roof of the teakwood house.

If you like the "waterfalls" part that's cool but I'd make that it's own sentence; it messes with the rythym. A few people have critiqued as being too long; I don't think that's a problem. The problem is the rhythm.

I could go in depth likes this ^^^ on every sentence but who has the time? Anyway, I think you first sentence sums up the problem with the entirety of the piece. Lack of rhythm. You make up with this by broadening each sentence, though by quantity rather than quality. I know that might sound severe and I am in no way trying to say this piece lacks quality. What i am saying is that maybe instead of all the commas (which i realize you have corrected to a degree) you should focus on the mood you want to convey behind the image rather than the literal translation. I mean rain, to me, evokes a feeling of misery that is it makes me feel miserable- well, when i'm out in it otherwise it's a different story.

I, like you and every other author wants the reader to see (hear smell etc) everything right up front - especially in a short piece like this where you don't have much spce. However, I think it's key to exercise some focus. In this sense painting and photography are a lot easier because you can crop out, expand the frame.
In writing it's a lot more difficult because that picture isn't readily materialized for the observer so s/he (myself in this case, obviously) has to formulate it themself. And in the first sentence, while I'm picturing a blanket of rain; I am also picturing rain water pouring from the roof which segues into the water now appearing like mini waterfalls and finally I'm imagining hearing the percussive spattering of rain hitting soft soil. All of this in one sentence; it's kinda convoluted, no?

My advice if you like using commas read some Victorian era stuff (I'm not trying to insult your intelligence here I'm just saying). They are uber good at using commas to a profound degree especially Thackeray, he's my favorite. Reading him in particular and studying the rhythm in his sentences (which to many peoples' chagrin are quite long - I don't know why every hates long sentences just for being long) is like brain food for people who love fitting as much as they can into one sentence.