Thread: Excerpt from 'MissFire'

"Are you looking for peace..? Or victory..?" The Diviner asked. Marco studied his surroundings. There was nothingness, and more than nothingness, oblivion, in every direction. The blackness, and suddenly not nothingness, was split with sporadic bolts of blue and purple lightning as he stared into the hooded face of The Diviner. "Victory!" Marco yelled above a howling wind. The Diviner produced a long staff from within the extravagant yellow robe he was wearing, and gripped it firmly, his long, spindly fingers almost wrapping twice over. "Then I will advise you as such," he said, raising the staff so that the bottom was even with his chest.
"You must protect yourself."
He gripped it with both hands.
"Or forbid yourself."
He breathed deeply.
"But never be yourself," the final words came loudly, with a gust of His breath. He rammed the staff down into the center of Marco's forehead. Marco screamed in terror as white flooded his vision, and cracks formed through his skull. "And what if I had chosen peace!" he inquired over the winds. The Diviner gave a wicked cackle, as Marco fell to the ground, unconscious.

Marco opened his eyes, and glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. It was rolling past 7:30, and he preemptively switched off the alarm, and got out of bed. His short blond hair was damp with sweat, and stuck to his forehead. He stumbled into the master bathroom of his house, and sighed audibly at the state of it. There were several pill bottles on the counter, and pills scattered across it. A half-glass of amaretto was on the back of the sink, with a cigarette put out in it. He looked in the mirror and brushed his hair to one side, and his pale blue eyes stared back at him. He ran a wet hand over his face, softly washing it, feeling his pointed nose and thin lips. Marco cleaned up the mess of drugs, relieved himself, and walked back into the bedroom, collapsing on the bed.

The nightmares had been happening a little over a week now, and were interfering with his life. They happened in a progression. On the first night, he was in the void for what seemed like centuries before a yellow figured appeared on the horizon. He walked closer, but the object moved further away. He shouted across the miles of emptiness, but the sound came out sounding far off, and rang out for several seconds before echoing off into nothing. The yellow figure was suddenly upon him.

The Diviner, as he introduced himself, had been wandering through this void in perpetuity, waiting for Marco. Marco wondered how The Diviner knew he was coming, and The Diviner scoffed, pointing out that his name is also his title. He had foreseen it at the dawn of time, and before time, and before existence, he said. Marco opened his mouth to ask another question, and The Diviner cut him short, telling him not to inquire so much. He placed a hand gently on Marco's head, whom he towered over, and the next thing Marco knew, he was awake.

On the second night, Marco fell immediately in front of The Diviner. The brilliant yellow robe shrouding his face and body, so that only his lips, chin, and hands were visible. He stood several feet over Marco, and was joined on either side by two other robed figures, one garbed in red, the other in orange. The orange robe stepped forward, and spoke in a loud, echoing, breathy voice that he was The Clairvoyant. The red stepped forward proclaiming himself, in an eloquent, but powerful voice, The Magus. They bowed simultaneously and stepped back. The Diviner proclaimed that they would guide Marco. "Guide me through what?" Marco asked. The Magus chuckled to himself, and bowed his head, and so followed The Clairvoyant and The Diviner. Before he could ask another question, Marco was ripped back to consciousness against his will.

The third night, Marco was again in the void, among The Diviner, The Clairvoyant, and The Magus. They called themselves collectively The Guidance, and told Marco not to ask any questions. He nodded at Them, and they each produced a long staff, and spun them in small circles in front of their bodies. Three windows opened in front of Them. "Our gifts will be your savior," They said in unison. The first in the line was The Clairvoyant, and Marco peered into the window in the void he had produced, and saw a mangled, burned cadaver staring back at him. He cringed, and stepped back, but didn't say anything. "You are my future," remarked The Clairvoyant. Marco's eyes drifted to the window in front of The Diviner, and he saw himself crying, and screaming, and cursing God, and beyond God, existence as a whole. "We are your future," remarked The Diviner, and Marco nodded. The window in front of The Magus was simply a mirror, and Marco stared at himself for a long time. "You are the inescapable result of yourself," said The Magus. "I understand," and he was whisked back to reality.

I'm really not the best at picking out grammatical errors and such, but your story seems very solid in that aspect anyway. So I'm going to focus on some of the things that may make this story read better in general.

For starters, while you don't do this often, you should watch how wordy you're being. One example is here: "... telling him not to inquire so much". It sticks out, and if a reader like me notices something like that, it disrupts the flow of the story ever so slightly. "... telling him to ask no more questions" would have worked better.

If using "ask" and "questions" again concerned you (Which it should have, considering that would disrupt the word flow too), you could then go back and edit the previous sentence. Perhaps change "Marco opened his mouth to ask another question," to "Another question began forming on Marco's lips," as a suggestion. However, it isn't that big of a deal, wordiness isn't a huge problem from what I've seen of this short section.

As a word of advice, I'd set apart the descriptions of the dream sequences. Maybe put them in the beginning, middle, and end of the chapter? Having them clumped together at the end gives the passage a rushed feeling, in my perspective.

- You seem very solid as far as the writing itself goes, these are just minor criticisms as a reader. I wish you luck with writing the rest of this story.

My comments/changes are in blue.

"Are you looking for peace..? Or victory..?" The Diviner asked. Marco studied his surroundings. There was nothingness, and more than nothingness, oblivion, in every direction. The blackness was split withsporadic bolts of blue and purple lightning (did they just appear? nothingness/oblivion means there is nothing, just an endless black void, but there is something, so maybe indicate it was a new thing rather than just a dription, also, i don't understand how he can see both the face of the diviner and the void behind him) as he stared into the face of The Diviner. "Victory!" Marco yelled above a howling wind. The Diviner produced a long staff from within the extravagant yellow robe he was wearing, and gripped it firmly, his long, spindly fingersalmost wrapping twice over. (that's not physically possible, does he have a weird double jointedness?) "Then I will advise you as such," he said, raising the staff so that the bottom was even with his chest. (how long are his arms/chest, from the descriptions you have, and from where he held it, this would not seem possible, I know he is tall, but maybe have it that he is gripping it midway or near the base?)
"You must protect yourself."
He gripped it with both hands.
"Or forbid yourself."
He breathed deeply.
"But never be yourself," the final words came loudly, with a gust of His breath. He rammed the staff down into the center of Marco's forehead. Marco screamed in terror as white flooded his vision, and cracks formed through his skull. "And what if I had chosen peace!" he inquired over the winds. The Diviner gave a wicked cackle, as Marco fell to the ground, unconscious.

Marco opened his eyes, and glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. It was rolling past 7:30, and he preemptively switched off the alarm, and got out of bed. His short blond hair was damp with sweat, and stuck to his forehead. He stumbled into the master bathroom of his house, and sighed audibly at the state of it. There were several pill bottles on the counter, and pills scattered across it. A half-glass of amaretto was on the back of the sink, with a cigarette put out in it. (no need to mention the cigarette is out, maybe just say a cigarette butt floating in the wine?) He looked in the mirror and brushed his hair to one side, and his pale blue eyes stared back at him above his pointed nose and thin lips. (I know you want to describe him, but its extranous description and is distracting, we know where his eyes are and it is not necessary to mention it unless it is unusual, maybe say he scanned his face, pausing at his...) Marco cleaned up the mess of drugs, relieved himself, and walked back into the bedroom, collapsing on the bed.

The nightmares had been happeningfor a little over a week now, and were interfering with his life. They happened in a progression (as each one happened, the events progressed? they happened in a progression does not make sense, you need to rearrange the sentence). On the first night, he was in the void for what seemed like centuries before a yellow figured appeared on the horizon. He walked closer, but the object (is it a person or something inanimate? figure suggests person, object suggests inanimate. maybe say the figure then the person or something along those lines)moved further away. He shouted across the miles of emptiness, but the sound came out sounding far off, and rang out for several seconds before echoing off into nothing. The yellow figure was suddenly upon him.

The Diviner, as he introduced himself, had been wandering through this void for in perpetuity (sounds wrong, maybe take out for), waiting for Marco. Marco wondered how The Diviner knew he was coming, and The Diviner scoffed, pointing out that his name is also his title. He had foreseen it at the dawn of time, and before time, and before existence, he said (redundant as we know who is speaking). Marco opened his mouth to ask another question, and The Diviner cut him short, telling him not to inquire so much. He placed a hand gently on Marco's head, whom he towered over, and the next thing he knew (who knew? you refer to the diviner as a hear just after marco. it is usally assumed that He refers to the last person mentioned.), he was awake.

On the second night, Marco fell immediately in front of The Diviner. The brilliant yellow robe shrouding his face and body, so that only his lips, chin, and hands were visible. He stood several feet over Marco, and was joined on either side by two other robed figures, one garbed in red, the other in orange. The orange robe stepped forward, and spoke in a loud, echoing whisper, (whisper cannot be loud, is it quiet, but maybe he has a rasping voice? or mention the contradiction, he whispered but it was loud/seemed to carry etc) that he was The Clairvoyant. The red stepped forward proclaiming himself, in an eloquent, but powerful voice, The Magus. They bowed simultaneously and stepped back. The Diviner proclaimed that they would guide Marco. "Guide me through what?" Marco asked. The Magus chuckled to himself, and bowed his head, and so followed The Clairvoyant and The Diviner. Before he could ask another question, Marco was ripped back to consciousness against his will. (how? did someone wake him? his alarm?)

The third night, Marco was again in the void, among The Diviner, The Clairvoyant, and The Magus. They called themselves collectively The Guidance, and told Marco not to ask any questions. He nodded at Them, and they each produced a long staff, and spun them in small circles in front of their bodies. Three windows opened in front of Them. "Our gifts will be your savior," They said in unison. The first in the line was The Clairvoyant, and Marco peered into the window in the void he had produced, and saw a mangled, burned cadaver staring back at him. He cringed, and stepped back, but didn't say anything. "You are my future," remarked The Clairvoyant. Marco's eyes drifted to the window in front of The Diviner, and he saw himself crying, and screaming, and cursing God, and beyond God, existence as a whole. "We are your future," remarked The Diviner, and Marco nodded. The window in front of The Magus was simply a mirror, and Marco stared at himself for a long time. "You are the inescapable result of yourself," said The Magus. "I understand," and he was whisked back to reality.

I ignored commas and the like because there are a lot of them that are unnecessary, for example, a comma can be used before 'and' sometimes for an added pause, but it is not necessary every time. A good way to hear the rythm that commas produce in your work is to read it aloud, that way you know where the pauses are wrong and where they work.

I did like it overall, it's interesting and I want to know what happens to Marco, who he is, what he does, why is he so special?

Thanks for the input guys. Most of the mistakes I made were due to tiredness, but I can see a few that were unintentional, and that bothers me. Station, hold on for a while, and the story starts to pan out. Also, about the things you claimed 'were impossible' and things like that, (I know this answer seems like a cheap cop-out) but it IS a dream, and I kind of wanted to put some imagery in the readers mind to sort of reinforce that.

You're welcome
I do get what you mean but the image of the hands wrapping around almost twice just threw me, it is a good image though, very creepy!

It is interesting and I do want to know more, everyone makes mistakes so don't feel to bad about it, just scanning over my critique to see what i highlighted as impossible, noticed I accidently highlighted drugs, >.< sorry about that.

How does one proceed through the void? How does something appear in oblivion?

Nothing is not something, it is not at all. One cannot be in nothing, for one is in something. There cannot be time or space or thought or bodies.

I understand you mean a murky black plane with perhaps some creepy fog rolling through it; but that is still something. I think this could be a lot more interesting if you would contemplate what it would be to occupy nothing.