Thread: First Post

Hi,
This is a story I wrote when I was going through a major move and leaving home for the first time and moving 700 miles away. Tell me what you think, I guess. I am not sure exactly how people will view it but I tried to capture all the emotions I was feeling even though I wrote it 3 years after I moved.

Here it is...

Warmth
As he turns his head to the west, the cold November wind dries his eyes out. He looks east and sees nothing but the streetlight, currently red, stopping him from escaping the past. The darkness of night is swallowing up the sky and he knows that it is now or never. He grabs his bag from the damp cement and tosses it into the trunk of his old, beat up Chevy Caprice. He gets in the rusted orange and black car and says goodbye to the past. The only thing waiting for him is the open road and freedom.
The days went so quickly; they almost never happened. He had been waiting for this escape for more than six months now. When she left his world crumbled. He had been in trouble with the police and his family, something he did as a call for attention. He was struggling with the loss of the one person in his life that could hold him up during the low points. Now, this was his lowest point and she was seven hundred miles away. He had to get back to her.
As he turns out of his neighborhood a tear falls slowly down his flush cheek. He is leaving it behind, once and for all. The road is empty, except for the officer hoping to catch one of the local drunks leaving the bar. He drives past memories that shaped his childhood and early adulthood. Soon, he will be racing seventy miles an hour away from everything he has ever stood for.
As he turns the radio up in the Caprice, he takes one last depth breath and looks in the rearview mirror at the city he once called home. As his eyes focus back on the road the sunlight begins to pierce the blackness, and suddenly he feels warm again.

The idea is solid, its described well for the most part and overall it was a nice read.

though I have a few things to point out;

1. Like so many writers, you fall into the trap of describing things that don't really need describing, the Caprice for instance

2. You sacrificed a little bit of detail in areas that would flourish from it, maybe describing your home town a little better.

3. Your symbolism is nice but you have to always remember to show, not tell. I'll delve into this a bit more.

-Telling
Anne was scared for her fiancée's life when she saw the riots erupt on the television. Tears streamed her face as she curled in on herself.
See? It's short, sweet and gets the point across, the problem? The reader falls asleep on the book.

-Showing
Anne, as she saw the carnage that is human sin on the glowing box in front of her, tears streamed her face. John's name whispered on her lips.
Once again, observe how it gets the same point across, but it adds to the dramatic effect and gets the reader involved. Unfortunately, you really need to balance the two out, if your going to show everything, it might as well be a picture book, and more often than not, reader's miss really important aspects of the story if you show everything.



Good luck, and welcome to the forums.

This makes sense, really. The theme summarizes the story in one word. I had no hard time figuring out the things that happened around this character of yours. I also agree with your first reviewer on the points he made. About the car likewise other animate or inanimate things, it's at times interesting not to give the whole detail one sweep. It keeps the reader's mind hooked nicely.
Thanks for the nice work overall.