Thread: Fear of Russians excerpt 5 (end of ch 1--phew--and very short) from Paranoid Wasp

Hi everybody,
I'm going to go ahead and post excerpt 5--it's the last excerpt from chapter 1 (phew) and very short... probably if you haven't looked at any of it yet you need to read excerpt 4 to make sense of it.
Looking forward to your comments!!
best,
Roughin


Chapter 1: Fear of Russians excerpt 5 (from Paranoid Wasp)


Suzie-Q was late.

Her father creaked meticulously from the living room, “What time is it?” Suzie-Q jumped. Suzie-Q tried nonchalantly to pour forth emotion with her story. Suzie-Q’s nervousness was palpable.

“You’re not being convincing. You would really lie to me like this?” asked her father. He felt betrayed. Her father used that dull mechanical tone he reserved for feeling betrayed.

Suzie-Q was innocent. Her voice went up several notches. She protested. But Suzie-Q felt guilty too. She knew secretly she had already been late before being captured. Suzie-Q couldn’t tell a lie.

“It’s true!” squeaked Suzie-Q. “I was already five-minutes late leaving Alice’s. I lost track of time and only looked at my watch at 10:22. I tried to leave right away, but Alice's sentences are so long! So finally I had to leave while she was still in mid-sentence, and I’m sure I would have been home at 10:34 if it hadn’t been for the Russian man, but then there were all those planes and I had to escape and I lost consciousness and I really was put in a cell by a Russian man who kept asking where the weapons were, but I refused to tell him anything about you or your secret Bible compartments. . .” Suzie-Q stopped to breathe. Her father’s face had the stupid look of rippled stone like when he was offended by falsehood, and Suzie-Q felt embarrassed for him, but Suzie-Q was too polite to realize she was thinking this so she felt embarrassed for herself instead. She began to whisper. “Truly it was a miracle, Daddy, and I didn’t give up anything, honestly, I didn’t tell them anything at all.”

Suzie-Q did not know how to interpret the long silence that followed, or the expression of utter confusion and suffering on her father’s face. Finally, he spoke.

“Are you finished?”

“Yes.”

“I cannot tell you how much this pains me. Suzie-Q, I don’t think you have ever lied to me before.”

“But I’m not lying!”

“Suzie-Q, look at me!” Suzie-Q looked at him. “Suzie-Q, it’s 10:42. You walked in 3 minutes ago. You’re not even being convincing.”

Suzie-Q gasped. Then it started all over again. The short breath, the cold fingers, the paralysis. The fever covering over the cold, the sweat on every inch of her body, and finally the chill upon her wet skin. She stared at him, unable to believe that her eyes which could melt the cruelty of a Russian soldier could not convince her own father of sincerity. His coldness made her shiver again. She turned away, afraid.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to come with me. You know what has to happen now.”

Suzie-Q said nothing. Silent and angry, melting behind the steel her eyes had become, Suzie-Q followed her father to the cellar. Her ankle throbbed.

Suzie-Q’s father picked up a two-by-four.

“Bend over,” said her father. Suzie-Q bent over. “Pull your pants down,” said her father. Suzie-Q pulled her pants down. Her father began to hit her bottom with the two-by-four. One for each minute she was late. Then fifteen for each minute she had argued with him about being late. 62 blows.

Once, Suzie-Q tried to twist around and catch her father’s eye.

“Face down!” cried her father, without looking.

From what I can gather, you have a very compelling story (only read excerpt 4 and 5). The bit(s) about the weapons really creates a good deal of interest. The fact that Suzie-Q's father resorted to spanking really makes you wonder why they are so important. Further more, Suzie-Q seems like a very convincing, innocent girl.

One thing you should consider though:
You use 'Suzie-Q' quite a few times. It seems to me that it would flow a bit better if you used 'she' in the place of 'Suzie-Q' more often. For instance:

Suzie-Q stopped to breathe. Her father’s face had the stupid look of rippled stone like when he was offended by falsehood, and Suzie-Q felt embarrassed for him, but Suzie-Q was too polite to realize she was thinking this so she felt embarrassed for herself instead

If you replaced the underlined part with 'she'...

Hi zippo,
Thanks so much for your feedback!!! Sorry it's taken some time to respond, I've been off-line... as I replied to legendhunter (excerpt 4) I'm writing a frame for the story which I hope will put some things in context, so when I've finished I'll post the letters that will open the story and the ones to be placed between chapters 1 and 2...
Regarding the monotonuos repetition of Suzie-Q's name (and the pronouns), I keep trying to explain my stylistic intention here but it remains to be seen if anyone will find it effective!! I have had some positive reactions to it, so I'm not giving up yet, but waiting for the jury to be out! This element is meant to focus on Suzie-Q's circular thinking in the beginning of the story, a kind of self-referential boredom. It's relieved in many parts of the novel, but also returns when she gets stuck in it again. Since this character is also a kind of social stand-in for American society (yes, a heavy criticism!) it can be read as going beyond personality... and the novel tries to trace her exit from being what the social forces wanted to make her...
I'll try to get back to the site as soon as I can, but a little constrained for time now... thanks again for the comments!!
cheers,
Roughin