Thread: Train

[Ed: Based on a dream I had many years ago, that was pretty significant for me. Written in about 20 mins for an Ex gf]

10/7/2010

It was a dream.



Slumped on the faux leopard fur bed. In the velvet suite. On the highspeed private business rail en route from Amsterdam back home to London. In my semi-casual-formal business suit. I loosened my tie.
I had just come back from a meeting with a client about a new contract bid. It sounded good on paper: Assosciate Representative for a large London based construction firm. I loved my job, I hated my job. I convinced the client that our firm could build better, stronger, cheaper. I was a go getter.
Sprawled on the bed. Staring at the circular skylight above me, watching the clouds fly past and remembering that we were traveling over 300 KMH. I loosened my tie, then threw it on the ground. I cried a little. I was a mess.
I clenched the soft velvet bedcover. Hoping that something horrible would happen. A terrorist would hijack the train. A black figure on the skylight, looking down at me as he cut open the window. I just watched emotionless and without worry as he repelled down the hatch, stared at me from behind beedy green goggles, pulled out his pistol. Without hesitation a single silent shot would hit me between the eyes. The rest of the passangers would have no idea. I would be dead.
The blur of white stopped. I felt the rough bump of the brakes. That was my cue until next time. I picked up my tie from the ground, pressed out my shirt, swept the velvet cover once more and left.

-Keaton

Hi, Keaton, and welcome to WritingForums.

For a 20-minute piece, this makes for an interesting read.

Though pieces without any description are often fine, in one this small I think you could really do a little description - not the cliché 'it felt like...', but something that will really captivate a reader. One of the most satisfying things is when you read a piece of writing that's less than 300 words, but after reading it you feel like you've been on a journey with the writer, or you feel like you've emerged from a powerful piece of writing. I'm sure you're familiar with the feeling, maybe after you've finished reading a novel from your favourite author. That same feeling is very achievable in flash fiction, and shows real skill when you pull it off. Pull the reader into your dream with you; make them understand the fear you have as if they, too, are experiencing this worry.

At the moment, you're literally recounting what happened - look at the overuse of 'I...'. It can get dull for a reader, even after a few hundred words.

I know this took you very little time to write, but you've got an interesting premise, and if the dream is real and did have significance to you, then you have an attachment to it already that the reader should be able to feel. Put some time into it and develop it into a really wonderful, short story.

I look forward to seeing what you do with it - if you do develop it - or anything else you have to show us. Good luck!

Hi Keaton. If I haven't said so, welcome to WF.

This is not a bad piece for 20 minutes. I like the way that you introduced the suite in the first paragraph. I might recommend adding some sensory words to your description to make it a bit more immersive.

One thing you might do to improve the piece is cut down on beginning your sentences with 'I'. 13 of your 24 sentences start with it. Some of the repetition, like in the 3-5 sentences of paragraph 2, actually provides some nice emphasis. Overusing this repetition, however, takes away from its effectiveness.

Another note is the grammar. In the first paragraph, I'm assuming you intentionally used the prepositional phrases in place of sentences. Some of the incomplete sentences, like the second sentence of the third paragraph, don't seem to have a purpose. That sentence could begin with "Hopefully something horrible will happen".

On that note I would have written the piece in present tense. It would bring the reader more into the experience.

I enjoyed reading this bit. As Nick said, short pieces can be very effective. That said, I would enjoy seeing this evolve into a longer short story.

Thank for posting.

Alex

The sentence structure, for me, jarred the flow. I think I remember you said something in the introduction thread about using unconventional styles or breaking rules (forgive me if I've got that wrong), but I think whether it works or not comes from your readers, and in honesty it didn't work for me here.

And here

Staring at the circular skylight above me, watching the clouds fly past and remembering that we were traveling over 300 KMH.

In the context of the sentence structure used in the opening two paragraphs, there should be a full stop(period) after the first clause, OR, if you include the comma, then the following sentence (not highlighted here) should be joined to this by a comma also, not separated by a full stop. I guess what I'm saying here is to be consistent.

Not sure whether this style would work in a longer piece, but I suppose that's okay if you're not intending to do that.

I'm not sure if I'm a fan of fiction based on dreams.

Hi Keaton,
Actually, I really like this! As it is. Except for the typo in Associate.
If it were longer I would want to know a lot more about the construction company he works for, who in the world gets to ride private trains with skylights, what is the significance of the word "cue" in the last paragraph. But considering the length, I think it's fair to leave us guessing on all those points.
And your use of comma splices doesn't bother me at all. In fiction, I'm not convinced you have to follow the rules.
Cheers, and thanks for posting!
Roughin

Greetings Keaton,
You know the quote that goes:
"friendship is born at that moment where one person says to another.."what..you too? I thought I was the only one." - C. S. Lewis

Well that is basically what your prose meant to me. It was very relatable, perhaps because of the "cliche" formulas that the other commentators pegged in it. But for me, it just aided the flow. It is one of those girl-next-door pieces that essentially have something very solid at their core.

Thank you for sharing