Thread: Fear is Pain. (Excerpt from my novella

This is an excerpt from the novella that I have been working on for around a year. Critique if you like.

“Samantha, wake up honey; it’s time for school.”
Samantha is sixteen, five-foot-four, black haired, green-eyed and a tomboy with attitude. Her skinny frame held the potential provided by a massive imagination. Her voice is like a girl given an adult voice too early. What of her breasts? They're almost nonexistent, everybody says she has the smallest cup size, but she knows better, she has a flat chest. Nobody looks at her anyways; who wants to hit on a girl that’s mean to every boy she meets. No boy will dare.

Samantha has names given to her, demon child,and the common name given to every female with an attitude. Bitch. Her green eyes have that look of pure evil, and nothing good came from looking at them. Most people want to say she is a straight up rebel, that’s what the old people say anyways, but that’s not who she is. She could be good if she wanted, not that she wanted to, because being bad was her thing. and it felt good. She wanted to feel loved but nobody had time to give her the love she needed, her mother worked most of the day, and her father hated her guts. When Samantha was younger, she would make up imaginary friends that loved her more than anyone ever did, but that was just her wanting love. She soon started back talking people, and making fun of kids, her mother had no time to teach her the proper manners or anything for a matter of a fact.

The sun flooded in Samantha’s room as the curtains open, and the blinds rise.

Samantha is a sixteen year old, five-foot-four, black hair, green-eyed female, with the looks of a tomboy. She has the attitude to prove that.

I know this is not the actual beginning, but it is as near as, and in my opinion needs to be tighter. Try:-

Samantha is sixteen, five-foot-four, black haired, green-eyed and a tomboy with attitude.

She is thin, but she has potential, her imagination is twice the size of any kid in her school.

Here is where I would start to expand, potential for what? To get fat? No you have switched to her imagination
'Her skinny frame held the potential provided by a massive imagination", unite the elements.

In the next paragraph you have issues with tense changes,
Samantha has names given to her, present
Her green eyes had that look, past
not a lick of good could come from looking at them, future
Most people want to say she is a ... rebel, present
that’s not who she was all the time. past

Try knocking out spare words
The drinking was alright at first, but when he started drinking and watching other women strip for him, drove her to the breaking point.
The drinking was alright, drinking and watching women strip, drove her to breaking point.

If you find it then needs more you can add more relevant stuff

The drinking was alright in moderation, but the thought of him drinking and watching women strip, drove her to breaking point, and the drinking became obbsessive.

alright-all right or all-right.

Hope this helps

Thank you for helping me! I'm not very good with proofreading and what-not...

I Think I fixed it. Maybe.

Originally Posted by CaptainWilliam

This is an excerpt from the novella that I have been working on for around a year. Critique if you like.

“Samantha, wake up honey; it’s time for school.”
Samantha is sixteen, five-foot-four, black haired, green-eyed and a tomboy with attitude. Her skinny frame held the potential provided by a massive imagination. Her voice is like a girl given an adult voice too early. What of her breasts? They're almost nonexistent, everybody says she has the smallest cup size, but she knows better, she has a flat chest. Nobody looks at her anyways; who wants to hit on a girl that’s mean to every boy she meets? No boy will dare.

Samantha has names given to her, demon child,and the common name given to every female with an attitude. Bitch. Her green eyes have that look of pure evil, and nothing good came from looking at them. Most people want to say she is a straight up rebel, that’s what the old people say anyways, but that’s not who she is. She could be good if she wanted, not that she wanted to, because being bad was her thing. and it felt good. She wanted to feel loved but nobody had time to give her the love she needed, her mother worked most of the day, and her father hated her guts. When Samantha was younger, she would make up imaginary friends that loved her more than anyone ever did, but that was just her wanting love. She soon started back talking people, and making fun of kids, her mother had no time to teach her the proper manners or anything for a matter of a fact.

The sun flooded in Samantha’s room as the curtains open, and the blinds rise.

I'm intrigued with where you go with this character, and the development that I assume with ensue. I'm also interested about who the speaker is here; at first it seemed like a father-figure, but 'he' later says "her father hated her guts". You have me wondering, which is good. This seems a lot like the beginning of your novel - did you choose it for that, or is it just accidentally like a beginning?

I've highlighted some areas that need cleaning grammatically. The purple areas are tense issues. I think present tense works well for this, but you have to stick to present or past. There's a section before you go on to say "When Samantha was younger" that has a lot of unnecessary past tense, and I'm wondering if this is a deliberate tense-shift (are you talking about her as a young child?). Either way, you need to either change it to present or make it clear that you're talking about the past.

The red is just punctuation issues. I've pointed out a sentence, and I think that it needs some cleaning up. It's mainly your use of commas that can often jump onto what seems like a new sentence, with what the reader would assume is a large break, but only separated by a comma. Try putting in some other punctuation in some places too; I've highlighted 'demon child'. It's an example of a name she's called, but the way the commas are used it seems like the narrator is making a short quip and calling her 'demon child'. I've added a question mark, and highlighted it red too, in once place (so don't confuse that as a question mark you need to change), since it was needed.

I agree with Olly on knocking out unnecessary words. You achieve a relatively relaxed, colloquial voice with the narrator, and having sentences that reflect that outside of the dialogue shows the reader that you're comfortable with this character, and that in turn relaxes the reader to this voice.

An interesting excerpt, CaptainWilliam. I look forward to seeing more from this novella, if you decide to show it.

I will post another piece soon.

This is another excerpt from my novella. I wasn't too sure if I was supposed to start a new thread or not.

Samantha rolled over and pulled the covers over her head. “Mom, please don’t call me honey, I’m sixteen for god’s sakes. And please close the curtains, you’re blinding me.” Samantha rubbed her eyes and looked at her mother, who is wearing her normal black striped sweater with her red sweat pants, and those green slippers that matched with nothing she owned.

There was a time when her mother was normal, but those days disappeared, and her husband was the cause of this disaster; he started drinking every night, and going out with the guys to strip clubs. The drinking was all right, drinking and watching women strip, drove her to breaking point. She couldn’t divorce him; he was the big supporter in her life, and she would go nowhere without him.

Samantha used to love her father, they went to the park and spent real-time together, father-daughter time together, but after the day he came home drunk, she started to lose touch with him, and it only got worse over the years, she was ten when he came home that night, she could recall the smell of something foul in the air, the smell was pungent, like something rotten. She knew drinking was bad business, and it would cause problems for her in the future, but she never thought it would get as bad as it did. He would go out every night and drive home drunk, and more than likely get lost. The good times are over now, and the father that Samantha loved was gone, he is hardly even a shadow in the man who lives with her.

Samantha sat up and looked at the picture on her wall, the only picture with her, and her best-friend.

Samantha holds a special place for that memory. This is when she was twelve and adventurous. The trip was like none other, and she knew something like this would never happen again. She had no need to ask her parents for permission, her father just told her to leave. Samantha wished she could move to Florida and be with her friends, but she couldn’t do that without a job or an education. She had so many fond memories with Rita and the gang.

Rita was a risk taker, but when it came to swimming, she couldn’t do it. She was always the friend that Samantha could rely on when things got tough. Samantha could tell her anything, and Rita would try to help her through the problem, big or small. Rita was no doubt the problem solver of the group, and every group of friends needs a problem solver.

Stacy was the friend that painted the problems away, not the kind of friend you need in a harsh time. She had many things go wrong with her life depression, religious related, suicide attempts; and a problem with paints. All of her problems started with her over protecting mother. Stacy was never allowed to leave the house unless someone was nearby to watch her. Nothing like a paint brush, and a blank canvas to take away the pain of living; that’s how Stacy saw her life going. Right down the drain with her dirty water.

The muscle in the group was Pam of course, not a name for a power house? Well Pam would run through a roaring fire to save someone, wearing those pair of All Stars; with her hair blowing in the wind. She was star of the track and field team, two years in a row. Pam had a dream that was to be the fastest person on Earth, and maybe even snatching a few gold medals in the Olympics.

This is another excerpt from my novella. I wasn't too sure if I was supposed to start a new thread or not

no hard and fast rules , but generally good to stick with the original like you have.

"Samantha rolled over and ... looked at her mother, who is wearing"
Past and present tenses clash.


"Samantha holds a special place for that memory" as soon as I read on I realised that it was the memory the picyure evoked, but for a second I thought "What memory, she hasn't mentioned one".