Thread: three paragraph short story "Blood stains in our eyes"

Blood stains in our eyes

“I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” These are the words my mother spoke over me as a child. I speak them now to Jesus and imagine him repeating these words back to me. I am writing this in my last hold out I have from these creatures. To think that just a few months ago I couldn’t even harm my dog Choochoo, and now I hold my fathers shotgun close to repel these demonic entities. I still remember the first one I had to kill. Its eyes were missing, it had a patchy beard with blood stains around the mouth, it made gurgling screams, and its skin was dark purple as if it were dead. I wanted to help this thing at first; it was only when it tackled me to the ground and stabbed me in the leg that I realized it was me who needed help.

The shrieks of the monsters and their relentless thrashes against the fortifications are maddening, but I’m thankful for gods grace and for the wonderful life I have lived. Even if tonight is my last night, I will be happy to finally be with the lord. I hear thunder, like fire crackers on the forth of July, perhaps this is the lord sending his lightning to strike down these wicked things. Lord answer me should I fight back? They have gotten through! Let them have their wicked way? Your will is mine my lord Jesus, let the last words on my lips be “Holly is thy name!” I hear them going through my traps, they will be here any second now. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

This was a letter written by a once thought heartless murderer, but this and many other letters written by the mass murderer lead me to believe that he was hallucinating during his man slaughter. I truly believe he was a god loving man, and that his actions were not done because he wanted to, but because he truly believed he was defending himself against zombie like creatures. When the CIA went into his last hold out to eliminate him, I believe we should have tried to capture and detain him, because obviously this man just needed some help. So please lift the charges on Mr. Glasson, though the murderer used his shotgun to kill over a hundred people, Mr. Glasson had no idea of what his son would do with the family hunting fire arm.

For what it is, its good, albeit the descriptions of the "demonic entities" are a bit cut and dry for my tastes.

It would be nice if you got into the nitty gritty: (Their hollowing anger, their inhumanity incarnate, their flaking skin) and really flesh out the story.

Another problem is that one of the staples of the story is rusty. It's too short and ultimately needs to be fleshed out more.

I was trying to make the story enjoyable with just three paragraphs, I did pretty decent with the three paragraphs. I do know it would be better if I put more detail into it but like I said I was trying to make it shorter so that it could keep the attention of people with shorter reading attention spans. Do you have any suggestions of what I could change in this other than the "demonic entities"? And when you say that one of the staples of the story is rusty are you referring to the zombies that the man see's? How would you suggest that I make them less rusty? I will see if I can make it any better but retain it as short as possible. Thank you for your input.

I was referencing to the shortness of the story, forgive me for not making that clear.

Like you said, you were trying to make it short so it was more of a nice, short read, like those five minute cartoons between shows on television.

It's there, you enjoy it, it gets a lot done in a little amount of time.

Your main issue, I feel, is that it was rushed somewhat. You compacted the story a little too much and as a result you left out a few keys things (like a more detailed description of the "Demons"), I'm not too sure how one would go about fleshing out a story but still keeping it short. Perhaps use thought provoking phrases that really get the reader thinking, use paradoxes, metaphors, similes, hyper-poles, etc, but don't go over-bored, the reader get's a headache after awhile.

At the same time, you want to avoid lack-luster similes like, "fire-crackers during the Fourth of July," one's that are so open like this one would probably be expected in a Literary Appreciation home-work assignment, you might want to use more meaty one's.

Examples:

Pain is a poison tipped rose

My curse whispered sweet lies to my heart (this is personification, but it still applies)

Liquid life, its voice singing a sad song, flowed out of my wound (Once again, personification, but it still applies)

Things like this really make the reader scratch his head and get him involved with the story, but you have to be careful to not depend on devices like this, because then it just leaves the reader flopping.


Another word of advice I'll give you is to show, don't tell.

Readers (usually) get bored if they're told everything.

Example:

Anne had tears streaming down her face, she wondered if John was alright.

The above is telling, it's short, it's clear, it puts the reader to sleep.The way you approached the plot made it difficult to show.

Now here's an example of showing:

Anne, seeing the horrid display of human sin on the screen, curled in on herself, tears streamed her face. Johns name whispered on her lips.

See? It get's the same message across, but by the end of it, the reader is wide-eyed and interested.

Getting back to the story, I want to say this:

The plot is amazing, make it into a fleshed out story, please.

The idea is original (at-least to me, I'm sure there's someone itching to prove me wrong)

Your use of the English language is commendable, but in my opinion, the fire-cracker simile came across as forced somewhat, maybe that's just me. You got the message across well, the story was lucid and entertaining because of it.

Thank you again for your help, I believe I will be able to re-write it now with more show and less tell as you put it. Also I believe an extra one or two paragraphs in the body should make it more fleshed out, maybe even three. When I am finished I will post it, until then thank you again for your help. I hope you enjoyed the ending, I was trying to make it interesting and unexpected.

I felt like I didn't get enough of the narrator to work out his character. He seemed young to start with, then more mature, but that could be because of the experiences he's suffered. There was, if you'll forgive me, an amusing typo in the second paragraph; "Lord Jesus, Let the last words on my lips be 'Holly is thy name'" rather than 'Holy is thy name'.

Oh wait, I've just re-read it; the narrator in the first two paragraphs is someone who's gone insane and hallucinated zombies. It took me a while to work out that the narrator in the third paragraph has been quoting from a letter. May be because it's so early in the morning on a Sunday! I'd definitely make that clearer, though.

Yes I will see if I can make it clearer to the reader that the first part is just a letter, and that the lawyer is reading it some how thank you for bringing that to my attention.

Hi legendhunter,
I enjoyed reading your three paragraphs immensely. I think if you decided to add to them you would have to write a completely different story--could be worthwhile to turn it into longer fiction but a much different project...
I even liked the fire-cracker image, since it's in the mouth of the character the cliché is effective as a reflection of his brain.
comment on holly (which has already been brought up)--I love to imagine this Christmas berry attached to the holy name
Your main character is compelling and believable. It's true that some indication of the shift to the lawyer would smooth out the transition; on the other hand, there is merit to entering the first two paragraphs without knowing where they will take you.
I don't know anything about the rules of flash fiction, but this seems to be it. Maybe there are some tropes for helping the reader get through these shifts without adding a lot of text... would be worth looking into...
best,
Roughin

Actually Roughin that was one of my ideas. Once I get enough short stories of this sort, I am going to write a novel about a lawyer and his crazy court cases that he has to go through, and sometimes how he has to deal with these corrupt police officers who try to get rid of evidence he finds for the court. What do you guys think?