Thread: Big Ben [vignette]

Big Ben paused at the wooden fence surrounding his pasture. The bright westerly sun made him squint as he gazed over the fields to where his cattle were grazing. A few were still lingering at the pond, which shone at dusk like a large round mirror lying golden bright in the grassy field. He thought of his wife and of the times she spent making those final touches to her hair in her hand mirror. She never knew how really beautiful he thought she was. Now she was gone. He waved his hand through a swarm of gnats that had gathered around his eyes. He made certain the pasture gate was secured and then he turned his slow steps toward the house.

He was still not used to the silence that now resided in his home. It greeted him like a spectre when he opened the door. Strange the contrast was between the serene and open farmland outside and the stark grim enclosure where he spent his evenings. He reached out to the radio as to a lifeline. A voice, any voice would do. And tonight it would be "The Detective Hour." Silver Fox, private eye, was on the trail of yet another murder suspect. He stared at his meal of leftover stew there in his bowl slowly growing cold. He abruptly reached to shut off the radio and walked to the window. His strong jaw was clenching and unclenching. The pond reflected the delicate crescent moon in its glassy waters.

He found himself emerging from the interior stifling silence into the soft cool breathings of the night. All the world seemed hushed, but yet not silent. Reaching his ears like music were the night choruses of crickets and toads. He paused to listen, and to remember. He then approached his overturned wooden dory at the water’s edge and righted it. It made an audible splash which seemed to startle the toads into a moment of silence. His bare white feet stepped into the cool water and down into the soft muddy bottom. Bringing the boat behind him he lowered down his hefty frame, which caused the vessel to lunge towards the middle of the pond, heaving waves out ahead which shone white in the scattered moonlight. But Ben settled softly into peaceful repose, lying prone as if in an open casket, hands folded, gazing at the starry spectacle above.

The heavens seemed in motion as he drifted. How beautiful the stars are, he thought. Like sparkling teardrops suspended in the air, refusing to fall. And in such marvelous array. Ben understood how the ancients could see shapes in the stars they beheld every night. He thought of the nighttime faces he saw as a boy, gazing down at him from the smudged ceiling above his bed. Now he fancied he could make out Clara looking down at him with her sparkling eyes. The heavenly lights blended together as tears filled his own aged eyes. Too weary the days seemed now, and too lonely the nights. But there alone, and despite the hard bed he had made, Ben’s eyelids weighed heavy and he slipped away into slumber, nudged in his dreams by little waves through the night.

Excellent. Excellent, I say. But you portray Ben as both big and strong and also as aged and weary, so how old is he? Or did you do that intentionally to illuminate that his physical robustness no longer helps him, and he is aged and weary only because he is emotionally... (for lack of a better word) walloped?
knats -> gnats
Hour". -> Hour."
Details I admire: Mirror-like pond, the radio program (it's such a gloomy one, making his despondency worse), the leftover stew (if Clara were alive, I bet he would not be eating cold leftovers), the overturned boat (to me, overturned seems to represent confusion and heartbreak, which would be very appropriate here), and the casket (does he die in the end? Is slumber just another word for peaceful death?)

Hi toddm

A nice little short in which the sadness comes over well without descending into doom and gloom.

Some things:

The bright westerly sun made him wince

Wouldn't it he squint at the sun, instead of wincing. Try making something like this more active, so it might read like He winced/squinted at the bright westerly sun

He abruptly shut off the radio

Is there any other way to switch a radio off?

Ben found himself emerging from the interior stifling silence into the soft cool breathings of the night. All the world seemed hushed, but yet not silent. Reaching Ben’s ears like music were the night choruses of crickets and toads. Ben paused to listen, and remember

An example of the overuse of Ben's name. For a story with only one named character, there is little need for any repetition of his name other than to introduce him at the beginning.

I'd be interested to see how this read if written in the first person. You have a knack of using description nicely, which I think, if used with care, is a great tool which is not easy to master.

An enjoyable little read.

Scott.

Originally Posted by Trides

Excellent. Excellent, I say. But you portray Ben as both big and strong and also as aged and weary, so how old is he? Or did you do that intentionally to illuminate that his physical robustness no longer helps him, and he is aged and weary only because he is emotionally... (for lack of a better word) walloped?
knats -> gnats
Hour". -> Hour."
Details I admire: Mirror-like pond, the radio program (it's such a gloomy one, making his despondency worse), the leftover stew (if Clara were alive, I bet he would not be eating cold leftovers), the overturned boat (to me, overturned seems to represent confusion and heartbreak, which would be very appropriate here), and the casket (does he die in the end? Is slumber just another word for peaceful death?)

Thanks Trides for your positive feedback - some of the questions, I will have to think about, and get back to you, regarding this character - he is old, and bigger, and yes worn out by life and loss - I will say that I am not trying to allude that he dies at the end, but he is dealing with death, approaching the edge to peer into it - you point out some details, which, when I consider these, gives clues to what happened to his wife, what will he do now etc. I could extend this into a longer piece

thanks for pointing out knat, I -know- it is spelled gnat, how that got through, not sure! also thanks on the punctuation - have made these changes

much appreciated -
---todd

I really liked this. I didn't have quite as morbid a reading as Trides but I'm not saying its not sad. It conveys the pain excellently and unostentatiously and doesn't impose itself or any reading.

However, like Bilston, but for a different reason, the wincing of the sun bothers me a little. There seemed to be a dichotomy of domestic and nature/outside. Its the latter where he finds solace but the wincing at the sun perhaps gives the wrong impression of him being in someway uneasy outside.

I'd also echo the usage of 'Ben' in the third paragraph, 'reaching his ears' may be more fluid.

All in all a very enjoyable read.

Originally Posted by Bilston Blue

A nice little short in which the sadness comes over well without descending into doom and gloom.

thanks, I appreciate this

Some things:

Wouldn't it he squint at the sun, instead of wincing. Try making something like this more active, so it might read like He winced/squinted at the bright westerly sun

interesting observation, and I definitely will take a closer look at it.

Is there any other way to switch a radio off?

ok, this made me laugh, and you are exactly right - there is no gradual turning off of a radio - my point was that he abruptly decided to change the radio, or abruptly reached over and turned it off - I'll figure out a way to adjust, thanks

An example of the overuse of Ben's name. For a story with only one named character, there is little need for any repetition of his name other than to introduce him at the beginning.

Another example of you being exactly right! Goodness, how did I miss all that? I sure do say his name a lot, and there is no need - will go back through this

I'd be interested to see how this read if written in the first person. You have a knack of using description nicely, which I think, if used with care, is a great tool which is not easy to master.

thanks - now if I can move into having a knack for realistic dialogue and plot arcs over a larger work, I'll be happy -

An enjoyable little read.

Again, much appreciated Scott, truly - between you and Trides, I feel I have some independent criticism to learn from and to polish up this piece - thanks!
---todd

Originally Posted by ElDavido

I really liked this. I didn't have quite as morbid a reading as Trides but I'm not saying its not sad. It conveys the pain excellently and unostentatiously and doesn't impose itself or any reading.

However, like Bilston, but for a different reason, the wincing of the sun bothers me a little. There seemed to be a dichotomy of domestic and nature/outside. Its the latter where he finds solace but the wincing at the sun perhaps gives the wrong impression of him being in someway uneasy outside.

I'd also echo the usage of 'Ben' in the third paragraph, 'reaching his ears' may be more fluid.

All in all a very enjoyable read.

oh, thanks so much - I do agree about wince, it does imply a pain which I did not intend - I think I picked it because I like wince better than squint for some reason - I will revise somehow

thanks again for your input! : )
---todd

Originally Posted by ElDavido

I didn't have quite as morbid a reading as Trides

Are you suggesting that I am morbid? :U

I do realize that my signature was, up until a few hours ago, "APOCALYPSE!!!" but that does not necessarily say anything about my character

More that you thought he might have died at the end, i know you only asked if this was the case, whereas it wasnt what i read at all. Nothing personal mate. I hadnt even looked at your signature.

Originally Posted by ElDavido

More that you thought he might have died at the end, i know you only asked if this was the case, whereas it wasnt what i read at all. Nothing personal mate. I hadnt even looked at your signature.

Do you all think the piece is more engaging if he does die, or doesn't?

I think it is effective purely because it is ambigous. Whether it is a death or finding solace is left up to the reader.

I think what is effective is that the sadness shows through. Would the readers' appreciation of his sadness be detracted by his own death? If I wrote this I don't think I'd have him die, I think it works how it is.

thanks guys, I do like the ambiguity too

Originally Posted by ElDavido

More that you thought he might have died at the end, i know you only asked if this was the case, whereas it wasnt what i read at all. Nothing personal mate. I hadnt even looked at your signature.

(I'm joking, I'm joking...)

by the way, what is the proper name for this form? vignette, minifiction, flash fiction, or just a scene, or character sketch, what?