Thread: Melima meets

Melima walks around the ring of fire, her skin painful at the sudden change in temperature, from the cold rain outside the cave to this hot fire inside. Still dripping from the downpour, she continues around until she gets to the gap in the fire. Eyeing the orb she hesitates, uncertain of what to do.

"Was it an egg of some type, possibly even someone’s dinner, but the ring of fire was several feet from the egg on all sides."She reasons to herself, and moves up to the egg reluctantly, the heat is not unbearable; hot enough to make her sweat, but not enough to burn her. She reaches out to touch the egg but suddenly something moves behind her, something large. She turns and looks up, a yelp escapes her, as her legs give out and she collapses falling back against the egg, she feels it shift but does not tip over. She stares up at a giant horned head with shiny sky blue skin glaring down at her as it emits a soft growl. Standing high on its hind legs, head almost hitting the ceiling. Melima moves her hand to sit try to sit up. The head snaps to watch her hand, its mouth open slightly, showing sharp carnivorous teeth. The fire in its cold black eyes seems more than a reflection.

She slips back and up to a sitting position, pushing nervously against the egg, staring into the eyes of the dragon. She notices the front claw flexing against the ground, scraping deeply into the dirt.

Just a short scene from the book I am currently working on.

This is the first write with a quick edit.

oh, yea. For those at home keeping score, this is Blu's grandmother.

It might be personal preference but I don't find the very separate nature of the narrative appealing. Whereas you would write, and excuses for the bland beyond bland examples, ' She is still still wet. She continues along to the bus shelter. She looks over and reads the timetable, she hesitates,not knowing which bus to take home', I would aim for a more flowing style, such as, 'She is still wet, continuing along to the bus shelter. She looks over and reads the timetable, hesitating, not knowing which bus to take home.' Again I'm not saying one is better than the other; your compartmentalising style, seems to me, very idiosyncratic and unique but I don't see the benefits it creates over something more traditional.

The repetition of behind also bugged me, it's a small thing and again it's probably more personal preference than anything else but the two clauses are very similar.

I made some changes. Better?

To me that is a lot better, the prose flows much more and it is a much more natural read. I enjoyed reading this version a lot more than your first draft. I think additionally a lot of what your narrator is doing is relaying what your protagonist is doing. What I would do is, unless you want to bring attention to something, let the narrator describe the scene. For example, in the last sentence if the claw is digging deeply into the ground it is probably likely that she has noticed. Buuuut, if you want to draw attention to the fact she has noticed then I have no problem with it.

I think on the last sentence, it works better that she notices rather then just infering that she notices.
The dragon is being intimidating so she should notice. Maybe I need to have her react to it though...
(Maybe I do in the next sentence, this is one scene of the book.)

I noticed the robotic writing in another story too. She moves here. Then looks there. She sits down. Like the disjointed moves of a robot.