Thread: Hazy Daze

Disclaimer:

Very adult content below. Read at your own risk and comfort.

Disclaimer:

THIS ALSO NOT A FUCKING VAMPIRE STORY, DAMN IT! =\

The alarm clock buzzed Alexander out of the liquor induced semi-coma. He violently ripped the horrid piece of machinery from his nightstand and threw it against the wall, and smiled at the sound of it splintering (as cheap plastic is prone to do with great force.) He'd lie in bed for several more minutes, letting the haze of last nights drunken lechery fade from his mind...

'Hehe! Alexander! That tickles...' she giggled

He remembered a body, but not a face or a name... Ooh... Such a soft body... Supple breasts, wrapped in pale flesh... Deep crimson lips, dark hair falling down her back... Her warm loins straddling his midsection, concealed by purple and black laced panties.

'Do you like when...' Her voice trailed off as she sank her teeth into his neck, gently at first, but then breaking skin. Pearlescent white teeth became tinted red with his blood as he moaned softly in response. He could feel his cock stiffen inside of his jeans

He wiped his eyes of the rheum, and rolled out of his bed. Cracking his neck, he walked into the bathroom groggily and began running warm water for his shower. He stepped in and immediately felt his muscles relax slightly. On the shelves was such a vast collection of beauty and maintenance products that one might mistake the home as belonging to a Hollywood starlet, as opposed to a 23 year old man. He dumped a small bit of shampoo on his palm, and ran his fingers through his thick, black hair that fell just past his ears. He spent an unnaturally long time shaving his face and jawline, with acute precision, leaving it as smooth and pristine as newborn's bottom. Finally, he applied a heavily scented coconut body wash to a loofah, and scrubbed the abhorrent filth of lust from his body...

His hands slid up her sides and around her back. In one fluid motion he flipper her frame over and rolled on top of her, staring into her eyes. She giggled slightly and bit her lip as she studied him. He trailed the tip of his nose down her abdomen and kissed her waist. He hooked his fingers behind her panties and began to slide them down...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

I'm gonna finish this up tomorrow, because it's 10 AM and I haven't slept yet. Questions/comments/suggestions/proofreading is welcome and appreciated.

I like the dual time narrative, reminds me of Brave New Worlds opening. The protagonist's thoughts interrupting the narrator's voice is also quite interesting. Rather Joycian/Flaubertian, free indirect speech/style indirect libre. Just assure me this isn't another vampire, there's far too many goddamn vampires, and that he's just a bit kinky...

Also, loud noises, such as the destruction of an alarm clock, don't make me smile when I am hungover. Then again he might be more sadistic and alarm clock hating than I.

Finally, the one reasonable thing I have to say, I don't really like the description of his hair, it sounds a bit clumsy next to everything else.

Not a vampire, he's just a freak in the sack. He smiled because, 'hey, no more annoying alarm clock.' And I'll agree with you on the hair thing.

The alarm clock buzzed Alexander out of the liquor induced semi-coma. He violently ripped the horrid piece of machinery from his nightstand and threw it against the wall, and smiled at the sound of it splintering (as cheap plastic is prone to do with great force.) He'd lie in bed for several more minutes, letting the haze of last nights drunken lechery fade from his mind...

my humble suggestion:

An alarm clock buzzed in Alexander's ear, knocking him out of a liquor induced stupor. He threw the clock violently against the wall and grinned smugly at his ability to splinter the cheap plastic into smithereens. He would lie in bed for several minutes to let the haze of last night's drunken lechery fade from his mind.

He wiped his eyes of the rheum, and rolled out of his bed. Cracking his neck, he walked into the bathroom groggily and began running warm water for his shower. He stepped in and immediately felt his muscles relax slightly. On the shelves was such a vast collection of beauty and maintenance products that one might mistake the home as belonging to a Hollywood starlet, as opposed to a 23 year old man. He dumped a small bit of shampoo on his palm, and ran his fingers through his medium-length black hair. Next, he spent an unnaturally long time shaving his face and jawline, with acute precision, leaving it as smooth and pristine as newborn's bottom. Finally, he applied a heavily coconut scented body wash to a loofah, and scrubbed the abhorrent filth of lust from his body...

my humble suggestion: FORGET SHOWER SCENES OR SCENES THAT ARE SO OBVIOUS, THERE IS NO NEED FOR EXPLANATION. IF YOU ARE GOING TO DESCRIBE A PERSON'S SHOWER EXPERIENCE MAKE IT WORTH THE READER'S TIME AND FIT SOME PLOT IN TO THE MIX.

Alex wiped the sleep from his eyes and rolled out of bed. He groggily ventured to the bathroom and began running a warm shower. Under the steaming jet of water, his muscles instantly relaxed. Lining the shelf were bottles of beauty products and lotions: evidence of a long string of female companions that had filtered through his lair and deposited pieces of their vanity before leaving. He dumped a small bit of shampoo on his palm, and ran his fingers through a mop of wet hair. Then he shaved in the shower. Without a mirror the blades moved slowly, but in the end his face was smooth as a baby's bottom...

I had a better suggestion but it got erased by accident. there are so many ways to spin a phrase. if you don't like my suggestion, try fitting the words together yourself. NOW you can see a cleaner, more readable phrasing, cant you?

also drop the last line (AND THE REFERENCE TO HIS APT LOOKING LIKE A HOLLYWOOD STARLET'S PAD)unless you want him to sound EMO, sexually frustrated or morally indignant: ALL are emasculating. keep him a man.

Hahaha... Thanks for, y'know COMPLETELY rewriting my story for me. Couldn't have done it without you, man!
Now that that dripping sarcasm is out of the way, let me write the way I do, and if those suggestions are as humble as you claim, try not to be so abrasive with them.

youre welcome, any more work and i will have to charge though....and dude, this is so emo dracula vampire!!!! word