Thread: Dark Mysterious Lady: the Origin part 1: Innocence lost

Vampires they are shrouded in mystery and their origins are in myths and legends in so many cultures. vampire blamed for famines, plauges and other disaters but for one unfornate girl she will learn that there is truth to the legends and that vampires and other supernatural creatures are real. Hers is a tale of a life ruined and dreams lost and every tale has a beginning.


During the 1400's in a time of humanity coming out of the dark ages in a village in Wales lived a young girl named Mary she was 17 years of age, she had raven black hair, beautiful blue eyes , and a loving personilty and she lived with her parents and her little brother Martin. Now Mary's village was having a famine and the people were supersitious and thought it was the work of a fariy or a vampire. So one night Mary was on her way home when she saw a woman talking to one of the young men of the village Mary thought " This woman is not of our village?" ,the woman had red hair done up in the classic roman style and her dress was also done in the classic roman style but it was black now what was odd about her was that her skin was unsually pale and her eye were blood red . Mary watched as the woman opened her mouth and bit down on the young man's neck Mary let out a scream and the woman look and saw her and mary ran as fast as she could.

Now as Mary ran she thought, " she is a vampire and that would explain the famine!". Mary ran towards the local church cause if the legends were true a vampire could not enter the house of God. Mary was about to reach the door she felt a hand cold as ice grap her and pushed her to the ground, Mary looked up and saw the vampire looking at her in a cruel way, vampire said " I am afraid i can't let you live you have seen too much" Mary pleaded " please let me live I have a family and I still hav a lot to live for", the vampire replied " So you have a family maybe i should go and have a snack with them " Mary " No please leave them alone, kill me instead!" The vampire replied " Oh i wont' kill you i give you something worst instead besides i need a scapegoat to pin this famine on". Before Mary could move the vampire grapped and bit dow on her neck and mary felt weak then the vampire took out a dagger and slit her hand and then placed it on Mary's mouth, Mary felt the vampire's blood go down her throat. vampire put her down and laughed, " lets see how your family likes you now and the villagers will blame you for the famine!" and with that the vampire turned in to mist and dissappered. Mary thought "What did she mean by that?" ad she drifted off into darkness.

Mary came to and found herself surrounded by the men of her village and her father was yelling at them " my daughter is not a vampire and you have known her since she was little " one of the men replied she is unholy creature she is resbonsible now stand aside or we will kill you along with her" , Mary said " I am a god-fearing woman how i can i be vampire" "No you are a vampire now lets kill her!",
yelled a villager. They pushed aside Mary's father and came at her and started beating her with clubs, pitchforks and any thing they could get their hands on as this was happening Mary felt a rage grow inside her and everything went red. When she came to she looked around and all the villagers looked as if an wild beast tore through them she saw her father dead and she came and held him, she wept " What did this , what kind of monster did this", Mary carried her father and went to her house and saw that her mother and little brother were also dead then it dawn on her and she looked at her hands and they were covered in blood she relized with great sadness " I am that beast and the monster I slaughtered the entire village and I killed my own parents and my little brother in my rage!", . now Mary gave her family a proper buriel and Mary vowed on the grave of her parents "I will find the vampire who turned me and I will kill her with my bare hands", and Mary left walking down the road wondering what to do next she thought "What dose the future hold for me?",. End of part one.

i hope you all enjoyed the first part of the origin of my vampire character Mary so let me know what you think and what do you think should happen in part 2 where she adjustes to life of a vampire will she stay on the right path or will her thirst for vengence lead her down a dark path these are the events leading to the crossover story with my fairy /fae characters.

It was a little hard for me to read. Try to separate the dialogue, and make sure you do something like this. "I'm going to have a slice of pizza for lunch," Erica pumped her fist. The comma is very important in this situation. Other than some grammar issues, and capitalization errors. It was pretty cool.

Thank you Willams i corrected the capitol errors and added the coma. Now this is the first time i actually mentioned Mary's family cause in the firs roughdraft i made no mention of her family so while i was writing this, i think it would be more effective if she had accidently killed her family not just the villagers while in her Blood Rage , she could not control her self but she feels guilty about it and the partly the reason she wants revenge and why she refuses to hurt innocenced people but she has no such conviction on killing evil people so what do you think of her killing her family by accident and what do you think the reader will fill about her at this point.

I'm glad I was able to help. And yes that sounds pretty good to me.

Thanks Willams, now i am going to start part 2 sometime this coming week, but before that as you all now Mary is a vampire now and she is going to need blood to survive now i should i have her feed on animals or wicked people, she will be tempted to feed on innocencet people but because what she did to her family she will try to resist well let me know and be on the look out for part 2 of Dark Mysterious Lady Origins : Temptation of the Blood.

There are a few punctuation matters that need to be sorted further, to help understanding and general reading. Some of the sentences need full-stops, or they run into the next sentence; there are several places where you've misplaced an apostrophe, such as wont' or dont'; it sounds like you've got a nice idea here, a period piece with vampires, but it needs checking over. Check for punctuation, run it through a spell-checker and some of the good things will start to come through. Keep at it!

Originally Posted by Narnian

Vampires they are shrouded in mystery and their origins are in myths and legends in so many cultures. vampire blamed for famines, plauges and other disaters but for one unfornate girl she will learn that there is truth to the legends and that vampires and other supernatural creatures are real. Hers is a tale of a life ruined and dreams lost and every tale has a beginning.

I am not sure if this is part of your story, or just for our sakes. If it is part of your story, remove it. You do not want to tell us what you are going to write about. We have to discover and explore your writing to find that.

Writing is a great way to work on grammar. Your writing needs some work but you have a good idea here. Keep writing and use the resource thread on this forum to help you improve grammar. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask.

Best of luck!

I will begin part 2 soon and hopefully won't make any mistakes that little intro was to for the readers sake but there will not be one in part two which will start a few hours where part one left off and thanks for the encouragement.

i was just finished part 2 but it not showing up what happend l logged backed in and now i am getting a blank page i put a lot of work into it so what happened

Your account doesn't shown any new blog posts. You can ask a moderator but it is probably lost. Always write in a word processor like microsoft work or notepad and then copy what you write onto a thread. That way you have two copies and you won't lose it. Also, it's not good form to write and post without spending some time editing. Save your story to your computer and work on improving it. Then post it.

Sorry you lost your work. Best of luck finding it!